"It's all about the Benjamins!"

...Don't look now, all "Holy Hell" is about to break loose! The best way to cover up a train wreck is to give away a million clams. Hell, if Howie Mandel can do it, so can World Wrestling Entertainment. Enter Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the Barnum and Bailey of sports entertainment. A new contest will quickly divert your attention from his estranged relations with Hulk Hogan, plummeting ratings on the USA Network, and The Return of a Warrior". McMahon says these are the best of times for the NYSE corporation...I SAY, nothing could be farther from the truth!

• Let's start with sometimes wrestler/ host of American Gladiators/ VH1 reality tv star, Terry Bullea A.K.A. Hollywood Hogan... What's with this dude, BROTHER?! Vince McMahon and Hogan have in recent years, had an "on again, off again" relationship. Needless to say, at the moment this relationship has been put on the back burner. The biggest fish that needs to be fried first is the Hulksters son Nick who is now confined to a Florida jail cell for the homicide of a fellow motorist whom he was racing with on a stretch of highway. Oddly enough, the Hogan family has pretty much taken Nick's side despite the fact that underage Nick had open liquor in the car. Recent visits to the jail have Hulkster and son scheming to cash in on the misfortune by making a new reality show based on Nick's time in jail. The two have even poked fun at the guy that Nick killed saying that, "the guy was a loser, scumbag anyway" and "good for the guy...he had it coming!" That's a good thing to whisper to obe another behind plexiglass. It shows the big hearts the Hogan's have. McMahon doesn't need that baggage right now so, USA Network, a subsidiary of NBC picks up the remainder of Hogan's commitmrnt and lets him restart Gladiators. Hogan currently has no ties with the WWE
• The return of The Warrior. Why is this 80's icon putting back on the facepaint and shaking the ring ropes again?? Jim Helwig A.K.A. began his career with Steve Borden before he switched promotions and went to the WWE as The Ultimate Warrior and rose to the top. Despite rumors of Helwig's death nine times over due to drug and steroid abuse, he milked the cow dry for all of McMahon's money before being sent packing. Don't ask who is more nuts in the head because Helwig legally changed his name to Warrior a few years ago. Still talking in lots of rants, babble, and his philosophy of life, he returns to the ring thhis month after a long hiatus to rid the world of people who did him wrong in the first place, In the crosshairs are Hogan, Sting, and Vince McMahon. Looks like this time around, he'll be in TNA. He can still get on the mic and slander WWE all he wants, like he does on his website however, does he realize that he'll be sharing the locker room with Steve "Sting" Borden? This is not a storyline. It could blow sky high real fast. McMahon didn't think the drana in real life was worth it.
• Poor ratings only get worse...here comes the money. True, WWE helped USA Network get on the map but now, ratings are at an all time low. To make you suffer through all the crap, the WWE is gonna give some lucky soul a million dollars just for watching on Monday night. The original plan was to give a "money back guarantee" to people who wrote in to say the WWE stole two hours of their life. If that played itself out as originally advertised, I wouldn't want to be captain of that ship for all the tea in China.

Memorial Day

President Bush visits the tomb of the Unknown Soldier for his last term in office this Memorial Day. Considering how far science has come in the 21st Century, why is the soldier still "Unknown"? Let's open up the tomb and use something called "DNA" to end this mystery

The Kennedy Conspiracy

Mr. Kennedy is Alive and Well! But that all depends on how you look at things. As we re-visit a photo from Novenber of 2002, rumors were flying that JFK was up and around and trying to be discreet as he sipped a latte at the original Starbucks store in Seattle. A patron who was also in the restaurant snapped a quick photo of Kennedy reading the morning paper. From this photo, The Weekly World News made the conclusion that JFK's murder was full of more questions than answers. An article was included with the picture suggesting that the horrible day in Dallas was staged and JFK addictted to pain medication, was whisked away for rehab and a new life deep in the Islands of Samoa. The photograph shows a rather young looking Kennedy who seems healthy and happy and must be a regular at the local CVS drug store purchasing Just For Men hair dye. Is he alive? YOU decide before taking a gander at the newest photo to surface just two weeks ago. Photo #2 was taken at a Kennedy Family Honors event. When Kennedy's name was announced, three men made their way to the podium to address the crowd: Mr. Kennedy, wrestler on WWE's Monday Night Raw, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and off tto the right, JFK! While Sen. Kennedy begins a long process of treatment and therapy today, patrons in his hospital noted that JFK was in a private meeting with the recovering Senator for over two hours before he was released. JFK was said to have been in disguise wearing a pony tail, sunglasses, and baseball cap. As people both Democrats and Republicans, have set aside their differences in order to come together and pray for the Senator's speedy recovery, one thing is for sure... that is, Teddy isn't getting any younger. When he dies, who will take over as captain of the Kennedy ship? Insiders have speculated the job should belong to Kennedy family member by marriage, Arnold Schwartzaneger. With the discovery that JFK is still around, the former President could very well take Ted's post in the senate

"HEY KIDS! "Don't forget to ask mom for this stuff!"

Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Goldmine...In Just a few days we get to see part 4 of the Indiana Jones chronicles. Ir was nearly a 20 year wait. The fourth installment of the franchise was never going to take place. The only thing that saved it was the empty wallet of Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg. Am I supposed to believe that the script got lost all these years? Was it buried in one of the wooden crates stored in the warehouse full of "The Ark of the Covenants"? Just like good pal George Lucas and his Star Wars movies, Spielberg thought this would be the perfect time to bring back Indiana Jones and take advantage of all the new special effects in Lucas Arts Industrial Light and Magic studios. George Lucas told us in 1980 that "Return of the Jedi" was the end of Star Wars and then all of a sudden, by some miracle, three scripts appeared out of thin air and these three films would be prequels to the original trilogy (as a sidenote, Lucas swore again that he was done milking the Star Wars franchise in 2004 yet, rumors are swirling that perhaps another trilogy will be made to take place after "Jedi" ends.) Likewise, Spielberg is toying with the idea of making prequels for "Indy". I guess these would fall in between "Young Indiana Jones" with the late River Phoenix and the "old Indy" that we see on the silver screen today. There's one tale however, that need not be written and turned into a movie...that is, "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Goldmine. Even months before the movie was set to make a splash in theaters, all kinds of product tie-ins were selling like hotcakes. Not too bad for a movie version of Activision's Pitfall Harry, and not so bad for a 65 year old man running down hills and swinging from ropes on trees. Even without Indiana Jones in the picture, taking the kids to the Super Wal-Mart is an adventure by itself. Thank goodness for the product tie-ins with everything from ketchup to pop tarts and soda, Doritos, Oreo's, Ritz crackers, M&M's and more! Yes, these things are strategically placed in displays that line up perfect with a three year olds line of vision. You don't take the kids with you to the store? That's okay too. The kids will tell you all about what's out there on Saturday mornings during commercial breaks. The FCC created the "Safe Harbor" Law which is supposed to designate a time period during the day that children's programs are aired. The law also regulates what ads your kids are supposed to see. Product tie-ins to cartoons and so on are a big "no no". Really? ...Who fell asleep at the switch on this one? Anyway, this brings me close to the end. Junk food related to movies is one thing and TOYS are another thing. One of the most dangerous toys to hit the market in relation to this movie is the "Indiana Jones Whip" A few feet in length, your kid will have the thrill of a lifetime making the whip "snap" and hearing the sound effects along the way. Isn't this a great idea? Kids would NEVER use this toy as a weapon, would they? There's nothing like a nice crack of the whip across the face of a brother or sister. All is fun until someone loses an eye. If it hasn't happened already, someone will. You can blame this on Indiana too!