"Return of The Ailing Pig"!!! ..Let's hope.

Hospital Rules 101

God bless all the Doctors and Nurses at St. Margaret Mercy Hospital who managed to F*%$ UP what I thought was an overnight visit and turn it into an adventure. All I needed was a safari hat. You know, before they do anything to you, they have to shoot you up with lots of dope. Within the next 30 minutes you will be bombarded by all kinds of hospital staffers who will introduce themselves and expect you to remember names. When someone asks, "Who did this to you?" never say that it was an Indian Doctor...You see, that hurts their feelings because Pakistan, Afghanastan and Israel are not geographically related on the map.

Here's one thing you SHOULD do: Whatever may fit into your suitcase, stuff it in. Heck, you paid for it anyway. Soap, shampoo, and all the way down to the bedspread. If the television weren't bolted to the wall, that would be going with me too.

After six weeks literally tied to the bed, I noticed one thing: A hospital is a place much like this planet used to be. Blacks, Whites, Arabs, Indians, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Germans, Hispanics and a few Polish women to get the floors spic and span and clean the crapper. Yeah, there was a lot of backstabbing and talking behind one another's back amongst themselves but hey, in the end everyone got along well. Matter of fact, there was so much love in the air (people that loved their jobs as well as their co-workers) that it's a shame the hospital roof can't open up to let some of the good stuff loose. As for their medical wisdom...that is somewhat of a different story.

"TSP WORLDWIDE Music News: Where you read it last!"

• ...Just back from Chicago's Bud Billikin parade. Who is this character? It's a fictional person A.K.A. Uncle Remus in Disney's "Song of the South". The parade is supposed to get kids all fired up about school. The irony here is that once school starts, 99% of the kids will have their parents call in sick for them.

• Did you or a friend go to Stinkapalooza?
  

Not to worry. Chicago secured the rights for Lalapalooza for several years...Catch it next time around. Pearl Jam was the headliner here and without any rhyme or reason. Hey, these guys were "the shit" in the 90's but, in 2007 as per request, Eddie Vedder and company no longer care about record sales...Dammit, they just love to make music! ...and that they did. While AT&T aired Lalapalooza via Internet, there was a slip of the fingers when a song that grilled George Bush was "accidentaly" edited. Yeah, you'll now have to visit their website to hear the whole thing in it's entirety. I say this: Pearl Jam, you guys ought to thank your lucky stars that you still have a record label!




Coming this Monday is a press conference with members of Van Halen to announce their plans for a world tour and an album. This will be the 3rd attempt to patch things up with David Lee Roth in as many months. Twenty three years is a LONG time. All I can say is that Sammy Hagar has Cabo Wabo, and if this gig ain't going to work, Diamond Dave will be stuck on skid row. Cut the hair Dave. Long hair and a big bald spot on top, you look like Hulk Hogan's skinny brother.

Finally, I send out kudos to Al Jourgenson and Ministry for over twenty years of music. Most people remember "Everyday is Halloween". It's much more than that. This is actually Rob Zombie BEFORE Rob Zombie. Al, you went from dance music to heavy industrial. I know you'll be back.

READ THE DISCLAIMER BELOW BEFORE YOU READ!

This is bad. It's on the news but deserves my two cents. Here's one of my rants that won't make it to the newspapers. Well, you've been warned! I want to send a shout out to three amigos above for once again stirring up a hornets nest of controversey. First up is Jesse Jackson's marches which make their way to Riverdale. I guess the gun shop there is to be held accountable for all the crime in the world. Always standing side by side and hand in hand with Jackson is the wannabe black priest Michael Phleger. He loves to blame gangs, drugs, teen pregnancy, and every other "obstacle" a black teen stumbles over on music released by white operated record labels, liquor ads, and the fact that these kids have nothing to do in the big city of Chicago. It's "one step forward and two steps back" for the blacks. He constantly reminds us that blacks are on the short end of the stick and says that the white community needs to get on their hands and knees and kiss the feet of Chicago's blacks. If not for their hard work and good intentions, tumbleweeds might be blowing down Michigan Ave. To round out this profile, the Catholic priest isn't mincing words when he says that Jesus and everyone mentioned in the bible were black. The blacks were meant to be superior. White folks were pretty much a genetic blooper that messed things up. Not to worry though. In time, the only place to see a white man will be at the wax museum. Burt Reynolds, Liberace, and Michael Jackson. Next up is Al Sharpton who just set up shop last week in Chicago for the purpose of shaking up the Police Department for their nasty habit of racial profiling. These 3 Stooges keep putting their heads together and no matter if it's robbery, DUI, drugs, the cops get involved and it's racial profiling. Here's what I suggest, and it will make these three and all of Chicago happy...if the police need to worry about any of these three who criticize the job they do, let's do away with it all and let everything run amuck. OK, that may be a bit extreme, but lets do away with cops and guns. A stolen car full of crystal meth, heroin, and marijuana with three people inside? Oh officer, give them the dope back and be a good sport and let these guys go home. As for the car, gentlemen, I'm sure that in the morning you'll feel sorry about that. Here's the address of the owner. Go get a Hallmark card to thank them for the use and drop it off with the keys in the mailbox. This is where things are headed. The big three need to be deep sixed.

"Lucy, a Rolling Stone, and there really is a reason to fear!"

• Let's get this business started. Do you know who celebrates a birthday today? Lucille Ball. She would have been 96 today...if she were still alive. That's where I come in. Two television newscasts were talking about Lucy in the present tense as if she's still active and playing Vegas. She died around 1990-91. We rely on TV news for everything. If they don't realize that Lucy has been dead for so many years, it makes me wonder what's going on in Iraq.

Next up in line is a story about lines. A rumor surfaced a few years back about Keith Richards of Rolling Stones fame that suggested a cocaine binge ended on somewhat of a silly note. The story was that Richards sat down with cocaine on one side and his father's ashes on the other side. Over the course of the evening Richards and pals broke open the urn and started snorting dad. This has long been an "urban legend" however, this was confirmed today online by Richards who fessed up and said it's true. Take it for what it's worth.

Finally, I want to thank Disney for f'n up a good thing with Underdog. If you're going to tinker with a classic cartoon like this and you obviously own it now, why in the hell would you make this a "live action" flick? Don't expect to make money or break even from this disaster.