"The Fence-Hoppers Guide to the 2009 Chicago Auto Show"

" Here's a new concept for all the automakers: Cancel the next Auto Show!"

This past weekend marked the opening of the "2009 Chicago Auto Show". The annual event celebrates the show's 100th year in business. This thing is still a big deal to someone because, despite having to take out a second mortgage just to get the family in the door, once you're inside you realize that there's no way in hell you could ever afford one of the cars on display anyway! Let me save you the time and the money from attending the event as I take the family and "hop the fennce" to sneak into a show that, with all the troubles the auto industry is facing, should probably end sooner than later...

• The cars we'll never, ever see on the road - The industry calls these vehicles "concept cars". It's some developers crazy "middle-of-the-night" dream where he or she thinks up an idea and scribbles or sketchhes it on a notepad to get back to in the morning. They'll bring the idea up at the next meeting and a small percentage will pass through to the next step while the others will be scrapped. The ones that make it from paper to computer to a slab of clay are then held up in a long waiting line that may take a decade made up of time, money, testing, analysis,model making, and maybe a prototype in full scale. A few million bucks later, a place like GM produces about half a dozen actual cars that end up on display at places like these shows. They will never be mass produced or see the street however, this is the biggest draw of every years show since the beginning. Considering the money wasted on goofy ideas, we are told that automakers use these to pick out odds and ends of the car that will one day be useful or should I say, "practical". With some of the outlandish ideas from the 1950's, we'd be commuting back and forth to the moon to go to work in our "rocket car" in 2009. Take the examples in the photos here from a few different decades and then tell me if any of this technology is common on a car today...By the way, the last time anyone went to the moon was 1971. If NASA can't afford to go there, how are we supposed to go? Sure, some people will argue that inventions like the "air bag" were part of a concept car idea in 1960 that we take for granted today. Truth is, are we ever going to need 12 video cameras on a car instead of windows and mirrors? Well, at least that makes more sense to me than suggesting we need a DVD player and XBox for each passenger in the car!
• The Electric Car - Years to develop and actually mass produced by GM, they tried to force people to buy the ugly looking things but nobody took the bait. In one of the original government bailouts to help automakers, all the cars were part of a package where the government bought them back, ate the loss, and had them melted down. Now that we worry about the future of oil once again, they revamped the idea into what they call a "hybrid" that works on both gas and electric. The big selling point for a vehicle like this besides being eco-friendly is, you can travel a whopping 40 miles before you run out of juice and have to switch over to gas. They say that we'll soon see the cars come with cords that plug into any household outlet. Who will sit around and wait all night for the battery to charge before you can continue on your way? I don't know about you, but my surge protector already "overfloweth" with plugs from the computer, TV, VCR, DVD, Cable Box, Stereo, etc.... the last thing I need to do is plug in the car!
• The Amphicar and The Pontiac Aztec- Two more cars that made it however, ended up D.O.A. The first one was a car that could also float and run as a boat. A good idea that didn't sell. This is an idea however, that should be thought over again primarily for the idiots who travel after a flash flood, see a puddle of water in the road, and conclude they can drive through it. Before being swept away by the currents, you could easily boat back to safety or at least be able to fish from the driver's seat while waiting for help to arrive. Meanwhile, remember the Pontiac Aztec? Considered one of the biggest flops that GM ever produced, it was considered "too ugly" for the road when it debuted in the 90's. While that idea flopped, almost the same exact body style was brought back to life in the form of the Toyota Prius ironically, their best selling model ever with a waiting list for buyers.

Maybe everyone involved in deciding the status of the auto industry the next time they come to Washington for help should remind them of all the money that was flushed down the toilet the last 100 years. Maybe they also need to realize that no matter how much places like Ford and GM "sweetin the deal" while approaching you to purchase a new car, a gasoline powered $17,000 vehicle is a lot more within people's means than a $45,000 hybrid. Save your money this time around by eating the hot dog and chips at home and hop the fence if you just "have to go". You will only miss one great idea that will be reality very soon...

The Illinois Barack Obama license plate. The special vanity plates will cost $30 and be valid for 90 days and can then be renewed. This is the latest attempt to help the struggling economic mess in Illinois. I'm not a fortune teller however I will say the odds of this license plate actually staying on anyone's car for 90 minutes would be a stretch, let alone 90 days! Do yourself a favor and nix the plate just because of what you'll have to go through to report it stolen. If you want to let someone take a $30 collector's item from the car, leave a blank check on the passenger seat of the car while parked at the mall with the door unlocked!

"Cupid's poor eyesight rekindles a Valentine's Heart On for an Ex"

When it comes to romance and being "the ideal mate", the last person you'd consider to fill the shoes would be Drew Peterson. The former cop is now best known for making people vanish without a trace. He's done such a good job that perhaps David Copperfield should get in touch with him for some pointers! As if Drew Peterson's odd behavior isn't enough to make his stories suspicious, through all the pain and agony of losing four wives by accident, Drew still has a special place in his heart for love. The random one-liners and sarcasm that Drew likes to spew out on the local news has given us a glimpse of the "bizzaro" world of romance that can't be found on the inside of any Hallmark card. If you thinks he's a little bit nuts, check out Drew's latest flame. A 23 year old emotional mess who has already been part of the media power struggle however, most recently wiped the slate clean and moved back into Drew's home. While I'm tired of seeing these two on television, when a few days pass without seeing one of these two isiots on "Good Morning America", I have to think the worst. On this Valentine's Day, I remind the couple that arguing around the clock is no foundation for a good relationship. Besides, in the end Drew will always win the argument. If this girl has any brains at all, she needs to go out to the garage and look at the 55 gallon blue drum in the corner to see if her name is painted on it...

"The future of the peanut is still in a jam"

"You put peanut butter in my petrie dish of salmonella!"..."No. You put salmonella in my peanut butter!" This can be debated until the cows come home along with the age old question of the chicken and the egg. In any event, I knew it was just a matter of time that peanuts and salmonella would get linked to Osama Bin Laden and terrorism... and there it was in a video package on CNBC earlier tonight. I guess we're still looking for this guy after all these years?! Nevermind that since 9/11 Third World Countries have gone on to enrich plutonium, create missiles to transport nuclear warheads and other creative forms of killing. Bin Laden is going back to the basics now and giving us Americans a case of "The runs" and stomach cramps! When you dig a little deeper into this story you have to wonder if "peanut terrorism" is only speculation. When I stop to think about it, Planters Peanut mascot, "Mr. Peanut" hasn't been seen in advertising since around 2001. Although his publicity photos are outdated, he's got a rather suspicious smile on his face which is strikingly similar to what he may be thinking..."I'm gonna make your kids choke to death on your next flight with Southwest Airlines!" That's how all this peanut hysteria got started in the first place. While checking in on Mr. Peanut's past, in the 1940's he was "blacklisted" for being a Communist and was shunned by Hollywood and Ad Agencies. If this anger still exists today, perhaps it's quite possible that the guy is spreading Skippy and Smuckers on whole wheat with the crust cut off (because that's how Bin Laden likes it) and poisoning all of us from a distance.

It's a shame when you consider we have GPS and a multitude of computer software to track people down and still can't find the man, or Mr. Peanut for that matter. If there's any connection between these two dummies and George Washington Carver, please keep it to yourself... I've never craved a Reese's peanut butter cup as much as now!

"Bob, Jason, and Brett: The happy trio"

• "Yes we can! -Just as soon as I finish my cup of coffee and sweet roll" In other words, whatever you do, don't ever rush a union worker! Legendary computer generated construction worker, "Bob the Builder" swung through Chicago this week to promote his stage show for the whippersnappers. As soon as Bob got off the plane at O'Hare Airport, the poor "Son of a Bitch" that was stuck wearing the hot costume began an afternoon tour of a "meet and greet" session with fellow construction workers. As the men in flannel shirts, hard hats, and black lunch pails stopped to pose for a picture with the PBS icon, it quickly became obvious that Bob is indeed a "team player" when it comes to enjoying all the perks of being a union member. Before picking up a hammer to lend a hand, the first order of business was locating the nearest Dunkin Donuts. Bob used his better judgement when being confronted by local television reporters about his Dad who by the way, was one of the original ironworkers responsible for the shoddy workmanship in constructing the World Trade Center in the late 1960's. Never trust an anvil with the words, "Acme" on the side. Bob's stageshow may be the baragin of the week for the kids, but parents may choose to stick with "The Blue Man Group" instead.
• "Deja Vu all over again and still an unlucky number - Hollywood has gotten lazy lately when it comes to making movies. If you have a lame script, a pile of cash and just another "Tom, Dick or Harry", you can do virtually anything. Let's be honest here...how many people have spent nearly the last 30 years longing for an update to the original "Friday the 13th"? I guess the one person in particular to lose sleep over this was the one and only Rob Zombie, the rocker that resembles Satan's long lost brother. Rob pulled all his fortunes together a few years back to buy the rights to almost every cheezy horror flick ever made in hopes to add a "21st Century twist" to these old "classics". Remakes of old favorites don't always work ou too well. Take Rob's creative liberty displayed in the remake of , "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" from a few years back! I hate to clump these together however, no matter if it's a cheap scary movie or a big budget masterpiece like "Star Wars", a remake only does one thing: dissapoint. Looking back on the cheap special effects and frightning scenarios of those wacky teens staying at "Camp Crystal Lake", it's obvious that the special effects and makeup were included nothing more than Karo syrup and red food coloring on someone's Kroger list. The original is so corny that it should never be duplicated. This may be the next generation of horror to follow "Psycho" however, after the 25th and 26th sequels where Jason meets Freddy Krueger and The Predator, It's time for Rob Zombie to put this tale to rest. Watch as this flick appears on Netflix just before Easter!
• "Will he or won't he?" One thing about Bret Favre is that when it comes to being undecided, he's always constant. Now, please do us all a favor and go away this time for good. Favre still resembles that bad penny that keeps turning up in your pocket despite all attempts to pass it off on some unsuspecting sucker. Everytime this guy suggests the possibility of retiring, John Madden comes along and lays on his schmooze about what a loss the sport of football would be without him. Madden's passion for Favre is as creepy as a dirty priest stalking an alter boy. We know that Favre's final stop will be in the Football Hall of Fame and yadda, yadda, yadda. The game will go on long after Favre is. Favre is turning this past season with New York into a publicity stunt and he's bitter over the fact that he couldn't push the Jets into a Super Bowl. Do we need to go through this again? Bret returns home to Wisconsin to drive the John Deere around the property a few times and due to boredom, goes on a wild goose chase for a new job? Someone tell Lovie Smith not to get any crazy ideas. The Cubs and Sox are already the final resting spots for retirees. Please Bret, we're not jackasses so, if you want to quit, let's just do it!