"Texting BFF" and "Bigfoot Update"

Some people get it, and some people just don't want to get it: Texting for your support. This upcoming weekend is supposed to be filled with surprises in the world of politics. As November inches closer by the day, supporters on both sides of the political fence are waiting to finally see the selected running mates of McCain and Obama. We may know the answers to these questions as early as Friday, when Borack Obama is expected to do a campaign "first": Texting his supporters with his choice for a Vice President. The thing is, you have to be a registered Democrat and Obama supporter, and you have to find the Senator's MySpace page and have him add you to the list of his millions of friends. Hey Senator, thanks for the add and don't text me again! There's a lot of potential problems that go along with this idea. All these things sent out at once could cripple the system and shut down your provider however, the worse case scenario is that your personal information will be tied to Obama forever. That means that Sunday night you should be recieving a bundle of unwanted spam in your mailbox. Yes indeed, thanks again Obama! I don't have to worry about the possible fallout from this gimmick. I'm not registered for anything or any one political party and as a matter of fact, November can't come soon enough for me so this nonsense will finally end. Give a "Shout out" to Senator Obama for using texting in an otherwise boring campaign. He's an electronic wizard who appreciates all that Japan has given us which of course, puts him farther ahead of John McCain in that category.

McCain is computer illiterate and isn't gonna try and convince you any different. He knows enough of the basics to get by however, is more eager to pull out the old "Smith and Carona" and a stamp to send a message the old fashioned way rather than electronically. To be honest, McCain could care less about Blackberries and Apples. As far as he's concerned, these two are only good in pies. This could be a good thing for all of us. Remember how Matthew Broderick tried to fool everyone with computer know-how in Wargames? It's been said that Senator McCain's website has "Space Invaders" embedded in it so supporters can take a break and play. McCain says that's one of his favorites! It's been nearly 40 years since the game was created and the guy is just catching on! Imagine that! Nope. Keep this guy AWAY from all the computer mumbo jumbo. He doesn't understand it. It reminds me of when the Grandparents stopped by to visit one day in 1972 and saw "Pong" hooked up to the TV. The look of fright in their eyes will be with me forever. You would have thought aliens came from Mars and left the game behind by mistake. Gramps had to poke it with his cane to make sure it wouldn't explode.

Bigfoot was a big hoax! Of course we all knew that already, didn't we? Well, it's official now. The two pranksters laughed and laughed for "Punk'ng" us and just like the MTV show itself, it backfired. As it turned out, one of the gents involved in the fun had a rather prestigious job with the local police department and also convinced a couple of faux "medical experts" to spin this yarn. As a result, all are under review at their jobs and may be fired. Does it really take someone time to review a person's stupidity? None of their "concrete evidence" ever appeared until the end when the slab of ice was melted down and a gorilla suit was frozen on the inside. Try a little bit harder next time fellas!

"Bigfoot CAPTURED!, Skool Daze, and Eye to the sky"

Sasquatch finally found in redneck duo's "neck of the woods". Two drinkin' buddies get together over a six pack next to the campfire in the woods. One guy says to the other, "You wanna be rich?". The friend nods his head and grins..."You betch your ass I do!" and off went "Dumb and Dumber" to their college instructor to call a press conference and let the world know that one of history's mysteries only second to "Nessie" the Lochness Monster, has been solved. His name is Sasquatch and this person/animal/thing is said to be angry. Afterall, he's been on the run since before biblical times and he's tired. That's close to what their excuse was when they made their announcement and failed to produce any concrete evidence of Bigfoot's capture other than a leather glove (probably the "other" glove of O.J.'s) with contaminated DNA. The monster it seems, is tucked away in a secure spot deep in a mountainside near Roswell, New Mexico and just feet away from the 1947 UFO crash site where aliens are also still held. These two dopes thought someone was gonna believe them without proof? No body, no DNA, no pictures, ...no dice. Shot down again as another hoax and a poorly executed one as well. While all of America snickered at their "discovery" they DID manage to re-affirm one theory: Drinking beer on an empty stomach goes to your head a lot quicker. Enough said.

"Take your Deadbeat Dad/felon/convict to school day" in Chicago? Hard to believe someone actually thought of this idea as school gets set to kick off a new year. ABC 7 Chicago reported on this "heck of an idea" yesterday. The Rev, James Meeks and Rev. Al Sharpton have already caused a near riot with their suggestion of letting the Chicago "underprivelaged" school kids miss the beginning of school because of poor learning conditions. Hey, bussing was already tried once and ran it's course after a few years. To take these kids from the South Side and ship them up to Winnetka for eight hours a day won't solve the problem either. Thank goodness that someone else was listening except their solution isn't to worthy of being put to use either. Someone stood up yesterday and addressed the City of Chicago on a new idea to kill two birds with one stone on the subject of schooling. Since the prison system in Illinois is jam packed and 95% of Chicago kids have a father in jail or no father at all, the best thing to do is give inmates a free pass for a day so these guys can mentor a kid and scare the kid with "You'll end up just like me if you don't go to school" horror stories. The whole thing is way too crazy to believe and sends the wrong message. Is it safe to assume that a kid skipping school, failing, or dropping out will become an ID number in the prison system? Probably not. An earner of minimum wage most definitely, but not necessarily a felon. When grown men don't bother to pay for their children's child support or turn to crime or killing, this isn't a result of bad schooling or going to school in a bad neighborhood. A free pass for a day to accompany a kid to school? I suppose the temptation wouldn't exist to walk off the bus and start running. Conformity and reform are two things that go with jail, while you're in jail. Show any inmate an exit sign and he'll make a run for it no matter what. To the lazy parent "too busy" to keep on eye on the kids, the best education begins at home. Don't blame "the System". It's nobody's fault but your own!

A nice sunny day at the beach with the family? Grab a stick and some posterboard and let's protest ...for anything! Not everyone in Chicago was too content with packing a picnic lunch and enjoying the Air and Water Show. The recovering Bill Murray announced his plans to "fall off the wagon" again after leaping from a plane and asking for a drink. CSI star Gary Sinese and his band played on as aircraft whizzed by overhead and boats glided across Lake Michigan. What a pretty picture it was ..until a swarm of picket signs began swirling in the air, many of the folks eager to protest owever, not really sure what they were protesing for. Oh yeah, it seems that this show was just propaganda for Washington D.C. If you love to watch the jets flip and fling around with their silly stunts, you too can do the same thing if you join the Armed Forces. Seems that someone told someone who told someone else that the show was a recruiting tool to get the high school grads to sign up for Iraq, Afghanistan, and anyplace else. Although the group was rather small in size, they managed to heckle the passerbys and condemn the event and yes, the President too. I saw the print ads and fliers for the Air and Water Show and not once did I see Uncle Sam pointing at me and wanting me to be there. Don't we as Americans know what a good time is anymore, or must we find fault in everything? There's always gonna be one bad apple in the bushel barrel.

"To Russia With Love..."

"Dear Russkies: If you really want Georgia that bad, you can take ours!" George W. Bush may have started to pack away all his momento's from the past eight years, but he's still able to find time to "shake the tree" one last time before leaving Washington. As if an unfinished war in Iraq isn't enough as it is, the President has also left the economy in ruins and on the verge of cannibalism in order to survive. In the midst of all of this mess, Bush has also managed to act like a big police dog making sure Iran, Israel, and Russia all behave nice and get along. Things however, may be quieting down in the Republic of Georgia where Russia has agreed for the time being to back off any attempts to regain control of the Country. So it seems, the citizens in that part of the world are safe for now but, maybe not. Hey, if Russia wants "Georgia" so bad that they were going to start another war. Russkies, put your guns down and gather up all your tanks, planes, and missiles and go home! If you want THAT bad, take ours. We don't need it anyway!

Consider the United States to be like MTV's "The Real Life". All 50 of us friends, each unique, all live under one roof. We are all set in our own ways and get along with some better than others and occasionally, there's one of those "Puck's" that come along to give everyone in the house hell. Just like the roomies do on television, one day it's time to sit down and have a meeting while Georgia is busy doing something else. As everyone sits around and talks about all the good things and all of the bad behind Georgia's back, we finally have to ask Georgia, "What have you done for us lately?" We take a vote and kick the rabble rouser out the door. This is what we need to do. Think about this: Almost every big event in recent history has either started, ended, or passed through Georgia. It's kind of like the "Ellis Island" for the geographically impaired. It's true that much of what we read in the history books about Georgia has left a lifelong impact on all of us one way or another however, at the risk of starting World War III, Russia can just take it! I don't know about the rest of America but, life will still go on for me without some of Georgia's treasures of the 20th Century. The sun WILL come up tomorrow forme if Atlanta's Jeff Foxworthy is missing from the picture. He's proven that any knucklehead can do comedy with his "Redneck" humor, and anyone can host a game show like "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?". His cheesy mustache is more out of place than the new lead singer of Journey. If he were gone tomorrow, I wouldn't be looking for him on the side of a milk carton anytime soon. Another thing I can do without is peaches. Georgia IS the Peachtree State but, when you eat peaches, there's always something left over: the pits! That's something I can live without. How about "America's Team" the Atlanta Braves? Who says? The so-so baseball franchise got the moniker from former media mogul, Ted Turner who raised the team out of the ashes in the 1970's by giving a television deal on a new concept in cable tv: A Superstation. Not only could you have basic cable... now, you can have Superstation TBS and Brave's baseball anywhere you went. Even in a big baseball town like Chicago with it's two teams. Maybe this WAS America's team for a while, but who besides fans in Atlanta, can honestly say they'll forever follow the ups and downs of The Braves? Ted Turner liked the team so much and was so willing to embrace it that he eventually bought it... and sold it. Jane Fonda was more interested in using the money to further extend the property line of their Montana cattle ranch. In the end, Atlanta's wife and hometown saw through him and left him out in the cold. So, we wouldn't miss Georgia from the map. What's 49 states? One less than 50 and that's about it. Please tell Mr. Bush to save a spot on his U-Haul for "The Bulldog State".

"More Olympic fallout, real people, and Kanye's Phat intake"

Another case of "It's okay to change the rules of the game even if you're half way through" : Another Olympic gaffe! ABC News was first to report the story about China breaking the rules during the women's gymnastics events in Beijing. It seems as though the Olympic committee inadvertently skimmed over contestants birth date information which put several Chinese gymnasts years younger than the required age of 16. Oops! This is only the latest in a string of negative publicity generated by the


Beijing games. Some of the paperwork suggest that some of the girls competing are as young as 10 years old! You would think that such a discovery would lead to disqualification however, because of Red China's generous 3 Billion dollar effort to support the games this year, the whole incident is at the moment being overlooked .

"Hello Sandy Allen... Goodbye Sandy Allen" The "World's Largest Living Creature" passed away a few days ago at a nursing home in Indiana. The 53 year old Sandy Allen was listed in Guiness Book's World Records since the mid 1970's. When she was born, medical experts were shocked by her length however, more puzzling to all of them was what the sex of the baby was. Sandy was constantly growing until one day given harmones to stun her rapid growth. Her height while not much of a problem to her, inadvertantly made other things in life that we all take for granted even more trickier. Sandy never married. Her one wish was to one day make "sweet love" to a man unfortunately, Andre the Giant's death over a decade ago shattered that dream. Taking most of life in stride, Sally worked as a secretary for an insurance salesman who often bragged before she

took ill, "My wife has never had to worry a single minute of her life about me fooling around with my assistant". Sandy spent her later years traveling to schools to boost self-esteem for kids who feel they are different than their peers. Sandy also inspired the hit 1982 Split Enz single, "Sandy Allen".

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps' famous 10,000 calorie a day diet makes Richard Simmons see "Red". U.F.O.'s, ghosts and The Bermuda Triangle are only a few things that remain "unexplained". Michael Phelps is another enigma. Phelps sat down with NBC's Bob Costas to discuss a typical day of eating and bragged that his training regimin includes 10,000 calories a day. Almost immediately, excercise guru Richard Simmons chimed in to scold Phelps about the bad example he's making

to all the aspiring young gold medal swimmers out there anxious to put his diet into action. "Impossible!" Simmons quipped. "To eat 10,000 calories is impossible! You'd have to literally eat non stop around the clock!" Well Mr. Simmons, how do you explain all your followers who buy all your excercise crap? Do you think everyone got that way from genetics? The truth is, Mr. Simmons is partially right on this factoid. Such a person would indeed have to eat not only around the clock but, including the clock to consume that number. Who is Phelps crapping when he says a box of Aunt Jemima pancakes, a pound of fried bacon, two pizza's with the works, ice cream, and soda pop BEFORE breakfast is a good idea for anyone? Amazingly, when all is said and done, Phelps sheds it all off in time to win a total of seven gold medals (thus far) without breaking a sweat. Impossible? I think so. That's a hell of a lot of Gatorade and power bars! Not too surprisingly, Phelps is now downplaying his remarks and saying most of what he says is true however, some things were taken out of context. Too late. The horse already left the barn so it's too late to close the door. Tis story was all over television and the tabloids so, who do you believe? When the Olympics are over and Phelps is back on the couch for four years sitting in his speedos and eating Dorito's, at his age, his final jump in the swimming pool will be doing the bellyflop.

Finally, speaking of fat... How's about a giant Phat Burger with a little Kanye on the side? Trying to "up the ante" on Diddy, Kanye West is adding "Short order cook" to his resume as his love for California's famous Phat Burger expands Eastward to include the Chicago area. A Phat Burger is just what the name suggests: a monster sized hamburger so full of fat you can wring it out like a washcloth. Kanye 's big idea to bring the fast food joint to affluent Orland Park, a suburb of Chicago, is an interesting concept as the chain's clientele in California is on average, "lower, middle class". Almost all of the establishments in L.A. are in high crime, high drug trafficking neighborhoods. It is a done deal however, and Orland Park's store will be the first of five planned eateries here owned by the controversial Hip Hop star. So, get ready to belly up to the food counter and get greasy. Phat Burger with it's 1950's motif is certainly one place where "Grease is the word".