The Squealing Pig Worldwide!

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"Help catch this sneaky cat"!

Please note: The usual posting format has been interrupted today as I search for the above missing kitty cat. Missing one month ago today. Last seen an hour ago. Is supposed to answer to "Pumpkin" but doesn't listen.

Pumpkin The Cat has been a part of the family for nearly 10 years and was a good cat who was loving, loyal, and always by my side. One day a month ago, Pumpkin got into trouble as she pulled open the door and went to "the other side" of the basement. An area that is made up of empty boxes, Christmas decorations, old kitchen appliences, and yes, lots of neat places that a cat loves to hide. Since my last visit with Pumpkin, she has gone incognito and only makes a brief appearance every now and then during the day however, does most of her sneaky work in the wee hours of the morning when she comes out to eat her food, drink her water, and make a doodie in her litter box. They say that to catch a bear, one must use honey. If that's the case, how do I catch a cat? This is where you, the reader comes in. Maybe you've had the same thing happen to you. Perhaps you work, or know someone employed with PetSmart or Petco that has a good idea. Please submit your ideas to this site or post your comments at the end of this message. Pumpkin needs your help and quite frankly, so do I.

Three out of a million gripes"

"Hey Bob, how do I fix this mess?" And the headlines should have read, "Bob Barker turns Chicago upside down"! The former Price is Right host came to Chicago yesterday to give his two cents worth on the one big problem on Earth that worries all of us: The exploding pet population. Well, I guess Chicago is as good a place as any to kick off a travelling awareness program. Mr. Barker says that Chicago is one of the worst places for unwanted pets. Ahh yes, it must be nice to be retired with nothing to do but worry about petty stuff like this. Now, maybe if Bob came to Chicago to talk about gangbanger shootings, crime, and drugs, someone would actually pay attention! Obviously, Mr. Barker has made the pets thing a number one priority, so maybe we should just sweep all the other crap under the rug??!! If Bob Barker is tired of retirement already with an "itch" to get back to work like Brett Favre, maybe he should rescue Drew Carey from that train that's headed on a collicion course with extinction. When Bob called it quits, so did 99% of the audience. Maybe Bob thinks that digging deeper into his philosophy of preventing the birth of unwanted animmmals is a good thing by coming here to yell at Mayor Daley but, we already have enough to worry about! Besides, I'd like to help out however, I'm not sure if my pets "Izzy" and "Floppy" need to be spayed or neutered.

This could be the "Big One" Elizabeth! California residents were a bit rattled yesterday by the rattling under their feet as one of those common earthquakes shook things up. This time was no different than any other, except for the fact that this time around, the media has managed to turn this natural event into the coming of "The Apocolypse". You don't really need a needle zig-zagging on a giant roll of paper to realize that California is already on borrowed time however, yesterday's quake came with the same "aftershocks" that accompanied Orson Welles' War Of The Worlds radio broadcast. Sure, people are on edge already as it is but, yesterday's quake drove people to contemplate jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge miles away from the quake's actual epicenter. In Los Angeles where it was felt the most, most people went about their business unmoved while others thought for sure that they were experiencing a Hollywood sequel to 9/11. Within the heart of Hollywood itself, several productions were halted until the "all clear" was given. One "Super Trooper" named, Judge Judy Scheindlin was temporarily sidelined under her desk for a half an hour while her studio audience ran for the hills. When the quake ended, Judy didn't miss a beat... she was back pounding her gavel and awarding the case to the plaintiff who got run over by the stray shopping cart with the wobbly wheel at Cosco. All Judy said was, "A quake ain't gonna stop me!" however, thanks to a lone camera left running, we later saw on YouTube that Judy actually does have emotions like a real human as she stared into the eyes of death for just a minute. When "The Big One" really comes to California, the state will split drom the rest of the West Coast and float as an island for the next three million years until it finally circles the globe and re-connects to the East Coast somewhere around New Jersey.

Satellite radio merges to create "Sirius" pay to listen crap! They knew this would happen all along however, they never thought it would take so darn long to finally merge two competing satellite radio networks into one giant conglomerate. XM and Sirius are now two names brought together although no one seems to be sure if the "XM" will be at the front or at the back. I do know this...radio was meant to be free. Nothing on the dial gets me so wound up to make me willing to pay $29.99 a month. Not Oprah, Martha Stewart, Howard Stern, or Bob Dylan spinning his favorites from his own personal record collection is worth the price. And yes, there's a lot of that kind of nonsense out there. Satellite radio is a platform where any dimwit can speak his or her mind for four hours a day or more. Anyone can get their own show. Bruce Springsteen's roadie gets for hours a day to play his favorite Springsteen songs and Richard Simmons gets four hours to talk about fat kids. There used to be a name for people like this when it came to television. They were the Steve Lawrence's and Bill Cosby's that used to "fill in" for the vacationing Johnny Carson for a night. Does anyone really care to listen to what former Styxx lead singer, Dennis DeYoung's favorite show tunes are? There's already enough crap to choose from on the radio...and it's free. Remember HDTV? Here we are 30 years later and we're finally going to get it, NEXT FEBRUARY.

Odds and Ends

"Hey Lady!!! I've gotta gun type thing here in my hands and maybe I'll shoot actually!" Jerry Lewis came "thisclose" to being arrested today at the Las Vegas airport for gun posession. This isn't an actual photo of Mr. Lewis, nor is it a shot of the Las

Vegas airport. A matter of fact, it's not even the correct gun. The truth is, the comedian/ host of the annual MDA telethon is already fine tuning his big Labor Day extravaganza when he simply forgot he had a weapon in his suitcase while passing through security at the airport. A silly mistake that could happen to anyone, right? Ever since making the film The King of Comedy in 1980 with DeNiro and Scorsese. (a movie in which Jerry Lewis gets stalked by a young comedian) Mr. Lewis has been a little

bit on edge. Now, anyone else would be drawing hash marks in chalk in a jail cell right now however, when you're a big shot like Jerry you merely get a slap on the wrist, sign an autograph, and pose for a picture. Good thing the gun was discovered now before good pal Ed McMahon joins him in late August on TV. The poor man has enough trouble already.

Erin Go Broke? YES! Bennigan's files Chapter 7. In yet another sign of our troubled times, Everyone's "Famous corner bar and grill" surprised lunchtime crowds that approached the eatery by displaying "out of business" signs on the front doors today. Let's be honest... contrary to what they say, the restaurant never was a diamond in the rough. The menu is a Xerox copy of Applebee's, Chili's and TGI Fridays. Oh yeah, it had an Irish atmosphere too however, ironically never was the place to be on St. Patty's Day. Management and other employees all the way down the list were called at 3 AM and told the bad news that their workplace was closed and that they wouldn't receive a paycheck for the last few weeks either. Keeping with the Irish spirit, many employees got dressed and headed out the door in the middle of the night to get drunk. Now, you might ask why I mention this latest tragedy... let's see what impact this has on our economy primarily, on Michigan Avenue in Chicago where the chains highest grossing bar and grill would regularly have a line out the door at noon. ...a line made up mostly of thirsty runners from the nearby Chicago Board of Trade. Cotton mouth indeed.

Please don't lick that cheese residue off your fingers That is, unless you're a Heathon. In the always bizzaro world of eBay auctions, add another item to the list of "things you can't live without"... a six pack of Natural Light, a joint, and the munchies was all it took to convince one woman that her bag of Cheeto's was a sign from God. Look close at the photo of the Cheeto and see the image of Jesus. Television stations picked up this story to insert as a "kicker" to the end of the nightly news however, this story shouldn't just be brushed off. Like much of the unexplained, observers tend to draw their own conclusions of what they see from deep within. Some people see Jesus on a grilled cheese sandwich while others see him at church on Sunday. If there was anything to be learned before the woman stuck the Cheeto in her mouth, it was that although the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways, he's probably not holding out hope that any normal person will see him on a puffed corn snack with artificial cheese flavoring and lots of chemicals that you can't pronounce. This lady got the message though. She put the Cheeto to the side and was so moved by it that she refused to sell it or put it on public display. That is, until the Las Vegas casino that has the tree and grilled cheese in their collection and on display phoned. Now the lady is casting religion aside putting a high price on this morsel. The irony here is that yes, everyone does have a price, money is the root of all evil, and the devil himself works for eBay. At last glance, the current bid was $20. Amen.