Three out of a million gripes"

"Hey Bob, how do I fix this mess?" And the headlines should have read, "Bob Barker turns Chicago upside down"! The former Price is Right host came to Chicago yesterday to give his two cents worth on the one big problem on Earth that worries all of us: The exploding pet population. Well, I guess Chicago is as good a place as any to kick off a travelling awareness program. Mr. Barker says that Chicago is one of the worst places for unwanted pets. Ahh yes, it must be nice to be retired with nothing to do but worry about petty stuff like this. Now, maybe if Bob came to Chicago to talk about gangbanger shootings, crime, and drugs, someone would actually pay attention! Obviously, Mr. Barker has made the pets thing a number one priority, so maybe we should just sweep all the other crap under the rug??!! If Bob Barker is tired of retirement already with an "itch" to get back to work like Brett Favre, maybe he should rescue Drew Carey from that train that's headed on a collicion course with extinction. When Bob called it quits, so did 99% of the audience. Maybe Bob thinks that digging deeper into his philosophy of preventing the birth of unwanted animmmals is a good thing by coming here to yell at Mayor Daley but, we already have enough to worry about! Besides, I'd like to help out however, I'm not sure if my pets "Izzy" and "Floppy" need to be spayed or neutered.

This could be the "Big One" Elizabeth! California residents were a bit rattled yesterday by the rattling under their feet as one of those common earthquakes shook things up. This time was no different than any other, except for the fact that this time around, the media has managed to turn this natural event into the coming of "The Apocolypse". You don't really need a needle zig-zagging on a giant roll of paper to realize that California is already on borrowed time however, yesterday's quake came with the same "aftershocks" that accompanied Orson Welles' War Of The Worlds radio broadcast. Sure, people are on edge already as it is but, yesterday's quake drove people to contemplate jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge miles away from the quake's actual epicenter. In Los Angeles where it was felt the most, most people went about their business unmoved while others thought for sure that they were experiencing a Hollywood sequel to 9/11. Within the heart of Hollywood itself, several productions were halted until the "all clear" was given. One "Super Trooper" named, Judge Judy Scheindlin was temporarily sidelined under her desk for a half an hour while her studio audience ran for the hills. When the quake ended, Judy didn't miss a beat... she was back pounding her gavel and awarding the case to the plaintiff who got run over by the stray shopping cart with the wobbly wheel at Cosco. All Judy said was, "A quake ain't gonna stop me!" however, thanks to a lone camera left running, we later saw on YouTube that Judy actually does have emotions like a real human as she stared into the eyes of death for just a minute. When "The Big One" really comes to California, the state will split drom the rest of the West Coast and float as an island for the next three million years until it finally circles the globe and re-connects to the East Coast somewhere around New Jersey.

Satellite radio merges to create "Sirius" pay to listen crap! They knew this would happen all along however, they never thought it would take so darn long to finally merge two competing satellite radio networks into one giant conglomerate. XM and Sirius are now two names brought together although no one seems to be sure if the "XM" will be at the front or at the back. I do know this...radio was meant to be free. Nothing on the dial gets me so wound up to make me willing to pay $29.99 a month. Not Oprah, Martha Stewart, Howard Stern, or Bob Dylan spinning his favorites from his own personal record collection is worth the price. And yes, there's a lot of that kind of nonsense out there. Satellite radio is a platform where any dimwit can speak his or her mind for four hours a day or more. Anyone can get their own show. Bruce Springsteen's roadie gets for hours a day to play his favorite Springsteen songs and Richard Simmons gets four hours to talk about fat kids. There used to be a name for people like this when it came to television. They were the Steve Lawrence's and Bill Cosby's that used to "fill in" for the vacationing Johnny Carson for a night. Does anyone really care to listen to what former Styxx lead singer, Dennis DeYoung's favorite show tunes are? There's already enough crap to choose from on the radio...and it's free. Remember HDTV? Here we are 30 years later and we're finally going to get it, NEXT FEBRUARY.

Odds and Ends

"Hey Lady!!! I've gotta gun type thing here in my hands and maybe I'll shoot actually!" Jerry Lewis came "thisclose" to being arrested today at the Las Vegas airport for gun posession. This isn't an actual photo of Mr. Lewis, nor is it a shot of the Las

Vegas airport. A matter of fact, it's not even the correct gun. The truth is, the comedian/ host of the annual MDA telethon is already fine tuning his big Labor Day extravaganza when he simply forgot he had a weapon in his suitcase while passing through security at the airport. A silly mistake that could happen to anyone, right? Ever since making the film The King of Comedy in 1980 with DeNiro and Scorsese. (a movie in which Jerry Lewis gets stalked by a young comedian) Mr. Lewis has been a little

bit on edge. Now, anyone else would be drawing hash marks in chalk in a jail cell right now however, when you're a big shot like Jerry you merely get a slap on the wrist, sign an autograph, and pose for a picture. Good thing the gun was discovered now before good pal Ed McMahon joins him in late August on TV. The poor man has enough trouble already.

Erin Go Broke? YES! Bennigan's files Chapter 7. In yet another sign of our troubled times, Everyone's "Famous corner bar and grill" surprised lunchtime crowds that approached the eatery by displaying "out of business" signs on the front doors today. Let's be honest... contrary to what they say, the restaurant never was a diamond in the rough. The menu is a Xerox copy of Applebee's, Chili's and TGI Fridays. Oh yeah, it had an Irish atmosphere too however, ironically never was the place to be on St. Patty's Day. Management and other employees all the way down the list were called at 3 AM and told the bad news that their workplace was closed and that they wouldn't receive a paycheck for the last few weeks either. Keeping with the Irish spirit, many employees got dressed and headed out the door in the middle of the night to get drunk. Now, you might ask why I mention this latest tragedy... let's see what impact this has on our economy primarily, on Michigan Avenue in Chicago where the chains highest grossing bar and grill would regularly have a line out the door at noon. ...a line made up mostly of thirsty runners from the nearby Chicago Board of Trade. Cotton mouth indeed.

Please don't lick that cheese residue off your fingers That is, unless you're a Heathon. In the always bizzaro world of eBay auctions, add another item to the list of "things you can't live without"... a six pack of Natural Light, a joint, and the munchies was all it took to convince one woman that her bag of Cheeto's was a sign from God. Look close at the photo of the Cheeto and see the image of Jesus. Television stations picked up this story to insert as a "kicker" to the end of the nightly news however, this story shouldn't just be brushed off. Like much of the unexplained, observers tend to draw their own conclusions of what they see from deep within. Some people see Jesus on a grilled cheese sandwich while others see him at church on Sunday. If there was anything to be learned before the woman stuck the Cheeto in her mouth, it was that although the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways, he's probably not holding out hope that any normal person will see him on a puffed corn snack with artificial cheese flavoring and lots of chemicals that you can't pronounce. This lady got the message though. She put the Cheeto to the side and was so moved by it that she refused to sell it or put it on public display. That is, until the Las Vegas casino that has the tree and grilled cheese in their collection and on display phoned. Now the lady is casting religion aside putting a high price on this morsel. The irony here is that yes, everyone does have a price, money is the root of all evil, and the devil himself works for eBay. At last glance, the current bid was $20. Amen.

"Strange but true" and "Are you smarter than a weatherman?"

"Now see what you made me do?" Those were the last words that 57 year old Robert Kowalski of Wisconsin said to his wife as police slapped the handcuffs on him and escorted him to the squad car. Bob was still coming off a bender from the previous night when his wife called him a drunk and scolded him for being lazy with the chores and Bob, who was still in a stuper, stumbled outside to mow the lawn. Unfortunately, the lawn mower failed to start. Bob kicked and cursed and finally had enough as he went inside and got a pistol and returned to the front yard to "teach that dang lawn cutter a lesson" by firing several shots at it. No, the lawn mower still didn't start however, just suffered a transmission fluid leak. Meanwhile, Bob's wife was indoors peeking through the blinds while dialing 911. When police finally arrived and asked Bob what was going on, an irate Bob snapped back at them, "It's my lawn mower and I can shoot it if I want to!" From there, he was placed under arrest and faces several charges along with a fine of $1000 and possibly six months in jail. I don't think Bob's wife will be doing any bitching at him in the near future. By the way, the lawn mower is expected to make a full recovery.

Finally, The Weather Channel gets something right! Fresh off the heels of the Meteorologist controversey of several months ago when an "on-air" talent was booted off the set for sexually harrassing a female co-worker, TWC is going back to good old fashioned "family friendly" programming, and kicking things off with a new contest that will perhaps have Al Roker terrified of his future: Let your kid predict the weather. It's easy and you can upload your videos at their website. They'll play the clips on the air and the kid that nails the forecast closest will be invited to Atlanta to take a tour of the their studios. Hey, this is a good thing. I studied meteorology for a few years and while there's a lot of technical terms and jargon thrown around like doppler and NEXRAD weather radar, the truth is, forecasting is really basic stuff and you don't need a million dollars worth of electronics and computers to do it either. Pick a few major cities to the West of you and check on their weather conditions froma few hours ago, do some simple math, and you can pretty much tell what's going to happen where you live. If a middle aged man or woman can do it, why not your little one? Although I welcome the idea of a toddler standing in front of a green screen, is this the best prize TWC can come up with? How many kids out there are putting the pressure on their parents to go to Atlanta for vacation?! When TWC first began on badic cable, all that you got was a satellite map and a weather forecast scrolling the bottom of the screen. In 2008, TWC has evolved into a spitting image of FOX News Channel where three people sit on a couch in the morning, sip coffee, tell silly jokes, and yes, talk about the weather. It's turned into a sick business and resembles The Today Show. It would be quite a hoot to see a little kid making a doodie in his pants while pointing out the next hurricane.

"Two sides to this Berlin story" and "Half a buck"

"Will that be paper, or plastic?" As we check in on what our two candidates for President have been up to, let's just say that John McCain has had a rough week. The Senator was seemingly left behind by all the media here in the U.S. whil Obama took his show to the road. The two, with all their differences aside, had agreed to visit Berlin. While McCain made the trip to Berlin, PA, Obama opted for the real deal in Berlin, Germany. You may not be an expert in politics however, as you probably know, there's a rule in television that mandates equal time for both political parties to present their views. Well, someone dropped the ball here and forgot to remind all the major news networks that McCain lost his boarding pass and got "lost" like a Gucci suitcase in an airport luggage rack. Turning lemons into lemonade, McCain wiggled his way through the busy streets of the Pennslyvania town to greet the common folk and do a little grocery shopping at the local A&P. "Americans aren't just getting taken to the cleaners at the gas station" he says, "it's no picnic shopping for the essentials either." The crowd in the store agreed as McCain was quick to point out the price decrease of approximately three cents a gallon for gas and suggested "President Bush deserves all the credit for the price drop!" Keep in mind that if you can find two extra pennies in your pocket, add that to the three cents you saved and perhaps you can stick that nickel in a gumball machine! McCain walked up and down the aisles with shoppers spreading his good cheer throughout his visit by sneaking some of his favorites like Mott's applesauce and Honey Nut Clusters of Oats into unsuspecting customers shopping carts and pulling the old, "I left my wallet in my other pants pocket" routine at the checkout counter. He did accomplish one thing however, and that was he got to meet people from other parts of the world all under one roof without going on a plane ride!

"Sorry Senator Obama... the peanuts are now $4.00 a bag and a can of Coke Classic is $3.00!" Yes, there was a time when a trip to the other side of the world on a big airline would guarantee you'd at least feast like a king with prime rib, baked potato and a tall glass of wine with baked Alaska for dessert. Obama found out the hard way that he was only wearing the President of the United States' shoes just to see how they fit and not for keeps...yet. From the Middle Eadt to Europe, Obama has been making all the important stops and meeting all the important people along the way. The people in Israel loved him despite the fact that he criticized that Jeruselum wasn't exactly how it is portrayed in The Bible. He also seemed a little confused with some more important milestones in 20th Century history while in Berlin after addressing a large crowd that was lured to see him by American propiganda promising Madonna would be there. "It is time for us to tear down this wall in Berlin!" he shouted out. Obviously forgetting that President Reagan said the same thing back in the 1980's. Nobody in the packed crowd blinked twice.

"Nothing on Taco Bell's value menu is Fifty Cents or less...except for the hot sauce" Now here's a nifty idea: Seems as though the promotions and advertising people working for Taco Bell are a day late and a dollar short when it comes to new ideas. The little doggie was killed off years ago from the commercials at the prime of the little guy's career, and then it's been sownhill from there ever since. By the way, the dog was never chpped up into hamburger meat for the Chalupa...he's living in seclusion somewhere in America reaping the benefits of his hard work. And along comes Detroit's Fifty Cents to the rescue. The famous rapper who incidentally, is most famous for being the target of "drive-bys" on the street is already bowing down to "the man" for the opportunity to pitch Vitamin Water. Yeah, Fifty Cent quenching his thirst with water is about as honest as Amy Whitehouse staying in detox for more than thirty minutes. Taco Bell made him an offer that he couldn't refuse: to promote their value menu for just one day, the gangsta rapper would change his name to 79, 89, or 99 Cent. Clever eh? He'd get paid a bunch of money for the silly ad and have to live with a silly name like that for a WHOLE day! As if his name isn't silly enough already! "It's not appropriate for my client's good name" his attorney wrote to Taco Bell execs, and the offer was quickly rejected. Once Taco Bell gave up asking for his permission, plans moved ahead to go with the promotion regardless of Fifty Cents' participation or not. Now the thug is biting back at The Bell and nipping them right where it hurts, in the wallet! It's good to know that even after all his rhymes about pimpin', dopin', and stealin' that he still does have some scruples left and his name escapes intact without a scratch.