"Some Things Are Better Left Unexplained"

More Beatles discovered in Yoko Ono's New York City apartment! Wow! What a housekeeper Yoko is! Someone look her up the number to Merry Maids. In yet another cold case file finally solved after 50 years, still more "lost" artifacts of pre-Beatle's Lennon and McCartney suddenly show up. Let's not get too excited though, remember the two "lost" songs that were found in time for the Anthology series? "Free as a Bird" was not even close to charting Billboard's Hot 100. and for good reason. It amazes me how someone like Yoko Ono who cares so much about John Lennon and the Beatles library can be so darned clumsy to lose things. These things keep coming around out of nowhere almost as often as new recordings emerge from the slain Tupac Shakir. So, this years discovery was an interview reel from the beginning of the Beatles illustrious career. A chat over tea and buscuits with Lennon and McCartney who toss back and forth the possibility of perhaps "throwing a band together for the fun of it all". Indeed. This stuff is priceless. How many millions would pay at auction for this one of a kind thing? Supposedly the reel has never aired anywhere ever however, the reel is said to be in pretty good shape all things considered. How would someone know this? Obviously someone listened to it already to come to that conclusion. Will we ever hear it? Would you ever buy it or fownload it from iTunes? That sounds about right to me because as far as I'm concerned these are damaged goods having been at the bottom of a closet for half a century.

New Waver's Devo looks for the "Golden Arches" at the end of the rainbow...You may or may not be a spud. A spud was considered to be a die-hard fan of 70's group Devo from Idaho (get it?) . Now, some 25 years after they gave us "Whip it", Devo has reunited not to play music, but to file a lawsuit against McDonald's. To make things simple, Devo is specifically targeting your kids Happy Meal. This begs the age old question: Do the kids want the hamburger and fries, or do they want the toy? Save your answer. The new toy needs no explanation here. The two side by side photos say it all, and truth be known, I'm on Devo's side on this one. Their trademark "flower pot" hats are in reality registered trademarks. McDonald's was foolish to allow this to go as far as it has. There's no contest here unfortunately, the characters in McDonald Land are prepared to fight this regardless. This case can be closed in five minutes in Judge Mathis' courtroom. Geez!

Finally, here's a story that John McCain needs to follow... Let's be honest. We all do. Wal-Mart is going to get an "Extreme Makeover" later this year with the signs on their storefronts. They want to make the place easier to find for the confused consumer. Wal-Mart will be dropping the hyphen from the name and will make it into one word. Not that big of a deal however, you can now use this in a game of Scrabble. Their words will appear on a bright colored background to be seen easier from the street. No word yet on whether or not the smiley face stays or goes. Do you see what's going on here? Everyone can admit to stopping in there to purchase something at least once in a lifetime but, the truth is, the Hispanic population shops there the most and most frequently. No speaka da English? Not a problem. Wal-mart has already changed the aisle signs to half Spanish. If you're still confused how many peso's a dozen tube socks will cost, Wal-Mart employees have been encouraged to learn the language of it's clientele (as long as you do it off the clock in your own spare time). This isn't called "racial profiling" by any stretch. As a matter of fact, these changes are aimed to lure more Mexican immigrants into the store. The theory is, they're already here so, make them feel at home and welcome them in. Now, Wal-Mart never came out and said all this directly, but you be the judge. Wal-Mart claims to have all their chips invested in America and then they do this. While the new sign has yet to be shown publicly, all that's missing is Warner Brothers' controversial cartoon rat, "Speedy Gonzales". He's been out of work for years anyway.

"86ing the white and blue"

...As American as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, Chevrolet, and Japan? Oh, you'd better believe it! These things (sans the Japanese flag) are what being an American is all about, especially on a week like the first week in July. It's supposed to be a great time however, one New York hot dog stand has wrecked the whole kit and kaboodle and that place is, Nathan's Red Hots. When Nathan's decided to mass produce these weiners and bring them to our midwest supermarkets, they arrived here with very little fanfare. Draw your own conclusion but, New Yorkers still like to argue over who invented deep dish pizza. Because of that, why should Chicagoans care about some silly hot dogs? Besides, Nathan's is co-owned and operated with Kenny Roger's Roasters, a name that will live on forever thanks to the bright neon sign that forced Kramer to switch apartments with Jerry Seinfeld. I gotta tell you, they're a good hot dog but, that's no excuse for Nathan's Annual Hot Dog Eating Championship, a yearly event that in recent years has litterally "gone to the dogs". Now, you might take it for granted that a 400 lb man nicknamed "Big Earl" would be a shoo in win the trophy for most fogs consumed. This hasn't been the case for nearly a decade! What makes this so extraordinary is that the winners have all come from Asia where the average male is 5' tall and weighs in at 130 lbs! Never mind what you hear about education in America,,, this goes to show that Americans are lazy when it comes to eating too! "Big Earl" ought to be ashamed of himself for letting the Japanese win this contest! I would say that maybe the Japanese are more focused and take competition more seriously than us, even if it's just for a silly belt, trophy, and bragging rights. Some of the other things taken more seriously include pro wrestling. Yeah, over there people really do get hurt when broken glass, thumbtacks, barbed wire, and fire work their way into JPW. Game shows are another fine example. Ever see the one where contestants take turns on a real life set of Donkey Kong? This sure isn't Wheel of Fortune! A few years back in one of my posts here I displayed an actual letter that I wrote to Nathan's about how "un-American" it was to award the prizze to another country. Perhaps my timing wasn't too great considering that 9/11 had happened just the year before but, I never did get any feedback. The contest takes a lot more prep work than skipping breakfast that morning like "Big Earl" did! The Japs condition themselves in such a way that the pint sized winner of it all who just got done eating 50 hot dogs buns and all, needs only an hour rest before hitting one of New York's many steakhouses. Grab some mustard, relish, onions, and a pickle on top for a Chicago style dog and help us win back the belt for the 4th of July!

"Dear Mr. Bill..."

A Tribute to Mr. William Gates

"Dear Mr. William Gates:
I'm writing to wish you the best of luck on your retirement from Microsoft. You worked very hard to become a multi billionaire and you deserve an enormous amount of respect and admiration from the "average Joes" such as myself. You started off a nerdy college student putzing around in your dorm room with Steve Jobs and electronics. At a time when computers were getting started and were large enough for just a single one to fill the space of a warehouse just to add two plus two, you were a visionary and saw that one day in the future a single computer chip could be made as small as the head of a hat pin. This letter is to thank you dear sir, for changing the world to what it is today. You have clearly proven that machines would one day rule the world. It's all because of you and Mr. Case! By the way, I'm sorry the friendship between the both of you ended on such a sour note. The guy just wanted a 50% investment in the company you both created. You stood firm however, and said that the idea was yours and yours alone. He may have moved on to Apple soon after but, Apple will always be second banana to Microsoft...Always! I first of all, want to thank you for making computers so smart. Doggone it, they're just like humans... they work themselves to death and never complain to the boss, have no need for a cigarette break, the half hour lunch, or time to use the bathroom. Just like real people, they get pushed and pushed harder careful not to make mistakes but, on occasion they do. How many times I've put the blame on computer errors for not paying the electric bill and letting my car insurance lapse. Someone has to take the blame, right? I also thank you for the need not to communicate with others. Because of you, spouses don't have to speak to one another, children find middle aged friends to chat with and share McDonald's with, and oh yeah, thank goodness I can call cusromer service anywhere and not have to talk to a person. You made that simple too. I merely have to press "2" if I want the message in English or "0" to connect to a live operator that turns out to be someone's voice mail so I can leave a message. I especially like the latest trick of calls during dinner time where a computer calls me and asks me to "please hold on the line for ten minutes so an operator can speak to you". How about that? The computer calls me and wants ME to HOLD THE LINE and wait. Now, that's a neat trick! Thanks again to you or Al Gore or whoever invented the Internet. I know you created e-mail in the early 1970's but I'll bet you didn't realize that spam would become more than slimey pork in a can, did you? While on the subject, the Internet has brought me closer with family all around the globe. Sadly, most of my family is located in Africa, China, or India and most died in an accident and left money for me even though I never met them. The "password protection" idea was good too. I don't have just one password that covers everything on the Internet, I have a whole list of them! No matter what I choose or how peculiar the word, someone has already picked it before me. If I lost it, no problem...I can re-register on two pages and get a new password via e-mail. If I STILL can't get into a website with my password, I can try and decode a word in a box that looks psychodelic, all bunched together and twisted in a swirl. Sometimes it takes a half an hour to get it right, but it's fun! Thanks for everything Bill. Without you, WINDOWS would just be something we open up to let the sunshine in."

"From Imus to high gasoline prices...whatta HELL of a week!"

Just like a Timex, Imus keeps ticking and gets another ass kicking courtesy of Rev. Jackson and Rev. Sharpton! Is Don Imus the new voice of America, or ar Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton just anxious to use their frequent flier incentives before the whole airline industry rolls over and dies? Hmmm... perhaps a little bit of both. Don't blame generations of hardships on this old shock jock from the wild west. He's simply the conduit which relays something back to us that we pretty much figured out already: America is indeed a nation full of racism from every angle. Just take a look at Sen. Obama. Here's a guy that came out of nowhere to earn the top spot as the Democratic nominee for President. If you're on his side or not, this nation made up of red, white, and blue, is more grayscale than anything else. Now that he's winning in the polls for his proposal of America needing a "Change", it's time to get down to business and focus on this African American man running for President. Never mind the colors of the flag...America's real colors are definitely black and white. It doesn't matter who started this argument but, the proof is in the poll results and soundbytes of people on the street and it can't be avoided. Everything that happens next in the race will in fact, come down to race and you're right, it IS a shame! If you want to be mad at Imus, be angry for what he didn't say. He simply agreed with someone's statement about black athletes in trouble with the law. The majority of sports is African American...that's a fact. It's also a fact that the majority of athletes getting charged with something is a fact. That doesn't mean that whites are exempt either. Bottom line is, Imus should have said more than "there you go" when reacting to the news story. Shame on him. Athletes of EVERY race have the notion that they can get away with anything because of who they are. When you get signed to a franchise to make millions immediately out of school, you now have a responsinility. Get your head out of your ass and step up! Don't make goofy excuses for your stupid behavior. A few D.U.I.'s takes the focus off the team and puts the light on you! Quite honestly, these guys have it too good. One strike is enough for me. Too bad you still have to open your wallet even when you let someone go nut hey, he's got a contract and you gotta pay. Leave Imus alone! Remember, with fame comes misfortune. A sour "taste" is still in my mouth from past "Tastes of Chicago" Shish-ka-bobs, fried turkey legs, deep dish pizza by the slice, and Eli's Cheesecake for dessert...NOT! The Taste is about to become a game of scavenger hunting with the old GPS ib hand. In what is becoming a harder find than a Susan B. Anthony dollar, one can only put the blame on our current status in RECESSION. Don't believe what the bloated politicians say on Sunday morning television. It's not "coming down the pike" as they say, it's already here! The Taste was once the place to be around July 4th and this year, you really have to look for it. It's gotta be the pits for people that visit annually. I haven't been for years and the last time I was, five things set me back nearly $40! Add the cost to a hot and humid day shoulder to shoulder bumping into people and a hot ride home on a metra train smelling like boiling urine and cheap malt liquor and call it a good time? No thanks. I'll be damned if I stake out a spot at Grant Park 36 hours before a ten minute fireworks show! "Go See A Movie! The New Pixar Flick Is Decades Before It's Time! " ...Dean Richards, WGN news. What's with this guy? There's at least four or five computer generated movies for kids every year. Why am I supposed to believe that in the past month since Kung Foo Panda was released, that we have suddenly travelled light years into the future with this weekend's opening of Wall-E? What kind of new tricks did Disney Pixar come up with that will "Wow!" me out of my stadium seat? Disney is the proverbial pimp to our kids who pee their pants over the excitement of these films. Walt Disney ought to be ashamed of himself once again. He's the only dead guy I know that still pickpockets money from the living. It's genius! Penn and Teller and David Blaine do this trick at their shows in Vegas. I'll never be surprised at what the different brand names of Disney try to dish out next. You do have a choice though. keep your money to worry how to pay for your next meal or spend it foolishly on Uncle Walt and "Wall-E". Ain't it clever how they worked his name into the film? Now, if Wall0E jumps out of the screen and slaps me in the head, THAT's light years ahead of it's time and chances are, I deserved it. Finally, here's my thought on holiday travel...60 Minutes ran a piece a few weeks ago about fuel, AGAIN! True, people can't afford to go anywhere. Getting to the job is hard enough and planes and trains are becoming those extra perks that go along with being a millionaire. The story started back about ten years ago with some stoned college kids and their "lame brained" idea of converting a car to run on cooking oil. To do so would cost about $3000 however, the "fuel" would be free. Just make sure you're near a fast food place because the manager will be happy to get rid of all the muck in his grease pit to some goofy kids and their project. Here we are ten years later and this crazy idea has become such a welcome alternative to gasoline. Restaurants are paying truckers to haul the stuff away, and now people are grabbing up cooking oil so fast that a semi tanker truck is easily emptied by grease bandits who prey on truckers' idle rigs while they stay the night at a motel or even while they're in the truck sleeping. It's literally like gold! Here's something we can all agree on and it's free to make and use. All we need are a couple stupid college kids and some money to make our automobiles run on pee! Need fuel? Drink your six to eight glasses of water a day and you'll pump this stuff out like crazy. In case of emergency, leave a six pack of Old Style in the trunk to get results quicker. Open up the gas tank and let your boy do it's thang! Ladies may have a problem but not to worry...wherever there's liquid to drink, there's pee to be made! Carry a can in the trunk along with a siphon. They said that by year's end gasoline may crawl to $7.00 a gallon. If that happens, I say, "Piss on it" and I mean it quite literally. Now fellas, let's get this project going. You know one day this is going to happen!