"From Imus to high gasoline prices...whatta HELL of a week!"

Just like a Timex, Imus keeps ticking and gets another ass kicking courtesy of Rev. Jackson and Rev. Sharpton! Is Don Imus the new voice of America, or ar Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton just anxious to use their frequent flier incentives before the whole airline industry rolls over and dies? Hmmm... perhaps a little bit of both. Don't blame generations of hardships on this old shock jock from the wild west. He's simply the conduit which relays something back to us that we pretty much figured out already: America is indeed a nation full of racism from every angle. Just take a look at Sen. Obama. Here's a guy that came out of nowhere to earn the top spot as the Democratic nominee for President. If you're on his side or not, this nation made up of red, white, and blue, is more grayscale than anything else. Now that he's winning in the polls for his proposal of America needing a "Change", it's time to get down to business and focus on this African American man running for President. Never mind the colors of the flag...America's real colors are definitely black and white. It doesn't matter who started this argument but, the proof is in the poll results and soundbytes of people on the street and it can't be avoided. Everything that happens next in the race will in fact, come down to race and you're right, it IS a shame! If you want to be mad at Imus, be angry for what he didn't say. He simply agreed with someone's statement about black athletes in trouble with the law. The majority of sports is African American...that's a fact. It's also a fact that the majority of athletes getting charged with something is a fact. That doesn't mean that whites are exempt either. Bottom line is, Imus should have said more than "there you go" when reacting to the news story. Shame on him. Athletes of EVERY race have the notion that they can get away with anything because of who they are. When you get signed to a franchise to make millions immediately out of school, you now have a responsinility. Get your head out of your ass and step up! Don't make goofy excuses for your stupid behavior. A few D.U.I.'s takes the focus off the team and puts the light on you! Quite honestly, these guys have it too good. One strike is enough for me. Too bad you still have to open your wallet even when you let someone go nut hey, he's got a contract and you gotta pay. Leave Imus alone! Remember, with fame comes misfortune. A sour "taste" is still in my mouth from past "Tastes of Chicago" Shish-ka-bobs, fried turkey legs, deep dish pizza by the slice, and Eli's Cheesecake for dessert...NOT! The Taste is about to become a game of scavenger hunting with the old GPS ib hand. In what is becoming a harder find than a Susan B. Anthony dollar, one can only put the blame on our current status in RECESSION. Don't believe what the bloated politicians say on Sunday morning television. It's not "coming down the pike" as they say, it's already here! The Taste was once the place to be around July 4th and this year, you really have to look for it. It's gotta be the pits for people that visit annually. I haven't been for years and the last time I was, five things set me back nearly $40! Add the cost to a hot and humid day shoulder to shoulder bumping into people and a hot ride home on a metra train smelling like boiling urine and cheap malt liquor and call it a good time? No thanks. I'll be damned if I stake out a spot at Grant Park 36 hours before a ten minute fireworks show! "Go See A Movie! The New Pixar Flick Is Decades Before It's Time! " ...Dean Richards, WGN news. What's with this guy? There's at least four or five computer generated movies for kids every year. Why am I supposed to believe that in the past month since Kung Foo Panda was released, that we have suddenly travelled light years into the future with this weekend's opening of Wall-E? What kind of new tricks did Disney Pixar come up with that will "Wow!" me out of my stadium seat? Disney is the proverbial pimp to our kids who pee their pants over the excitement of these films. Walt Disney ought to be ashamed of himself once again. He's the only dead guy I know that still pickpockets money from the living. It's genius! Penn and Teller and David Blaine do this trick at their shows in Vegas. I'll never be surprised at what the different brand names of Disney try to dish out next. You do have a choice though. keep your money to worry how to pay for your next meal or spend it foolishly on Uncle Walt and "Wall-E". Ain't it clever how they worked his name into the film? Now, if Wall0E jumps out of the screen and slaps me in the head, THAT's light years ahead of it's time and chances are, I deserved it. Finally, here's my thought on holiday travel...60 Minutes ran a piece a few weeks ago about fuel, AGAIN! True, people can't afford to go anywhere. Getting to the job is hard enough and planes and trains are becoming those extra perks that go along with being a millionaire. The story started back about ten years ago with some stoned college kids and their "lame brained" idea of converting a car to run on cooking oil. To do so would cost about $3000 however, the "fuel" would be free. Just make sure you're near a fast food place because the manager will be happy to get rid of all the muck in his grease pit to some goofy kids and their project. Here we are ten years later and this crazy idea has become such a welcome alternative to gasoline. Restaurants are paying truckers to haul the stuff away, and now people are grabbing up cooking oil so fast that a semi tanker truck is easily emptied by grease bandits who prey on truckers' idle rigs while they stay the night at a motel or even while they're in the truck sleeping. It's literally like gold! Here's something we can all agree on and it's free to make and use. All we need are a couple stupid college kids and some money to make our automobiles run on pee! Need fuel? Drink your six to eight glasses of water a day and you'll pump this stuff out like crazy. In case of emergency, leave a six pack of Old Style in the trunk to get results quicker. Open up the gas tank and let your boy do it's thang! Ladies may have a problem but not to worry...wherever there's liquid to drink, there's pee to be made! Carry a can in the trunk along with a siphon. They said that by year's end gasoline may crawl to $7.00 a gallon. If that happens, I say, "Piss on it" and I mean it quite literally. Now fellas, let's get this project going. You know one day this is going to happen!

"She's alive, but a little screwed in the head!"

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  Heather Locklear: From the "Casting Couch" to the "Psychiatrists Couch" in a few simple steps (Or, "We knew this was gonna happen one day") When Heather's name is mentioned, men automatically say," Damn! She looks good for her age" while the ladies say, "what a damn good actress!" Me? I say, none of the above. Okay, she DOES look good for her age! Good actress? Nah! While I would normally be sympathetic for someone like her that is seeking help for ddepression, anxiety, and stress, this is a classic case of "karma". You see, all the bad luck she unknowingly inflicted on her peers has come back to her and is driving her crazy! Don't refer to her as being a "lucky charm", think of her more as the idol that Bobby Brady found and wore around his neck while in Hawaii. You'll understand in a minute how Heather Locklear happily signs the death certificate of some of your favorite shows and puts a hundred or so people out of work at the drop of a hat! Take a gander at Heather's resume online. To type all the information as it is would give me Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by the time I was done! She's one of those actors that when you see them turn up on your favorite show, you know it's days are numbered. Her two page resume (which requires a magnifying glass to view) is filled with a smorgasboard of movie and tv roles long forgotten. I'll bet you didn't know that Heather popped up in the final few episodes of the following:
• CHiPs
• The New Beverly Hillbillies (1981)
• Dynasty
• Battle of the Network Stars
• Blood Sport
• Texas Justice
• Spin City
• Scrubs
• The Fall Guy
• *Hannah Montana
• *Hanna Montana The Movie (2009)
• * Boston Legal
  

"*" Denotes still in production or completed

So, what do you get when you mix all this bad luck with squabbling Ex's, friends and lovers like Richie Sambora, Tommy Lee, Pam Anderson, Denise Richards, and Charlie Sheen? PROZAC or REHAB! I say, let the woman take her meds and let Dr. Phil pick her brain a little bit. Afterall, she already tried killing herself once, so they say. Remember when Boston Legal was red hot? After awhile, the audience grew tired seeing a bloated William Shatner and James Spader sitting in their office and sipping Cognac and smoking cigars. Heather moved herself in as a fresh face and now the once "top ten" rated show airs at various times on various days of the week as a "filler" kind of like According to Jim. With Heather away getting her head on straight, Boston Legal may suffer a slow, painful death. ABC better call in another of Heather's Ex's, David Spade. He'll shut down production in no time. Meanwhile, don't let that gal say we never warned her this would happen. Get well soon Heather!

"To Serve and Protect" ...If it's OK with you

"FREEZE SCUMBAG! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! Now, before I read your Miranda Rights, let me call my Captain and attorney to make sure I did this according to protocol!" One of America's toughest jobs is getting tougher every single day. All the stereotypes of cops spending half of their shifts at Dunkin Donuts is quickly becoming reality... sad, isn't it? It's not very often that I take sides with a policeman, but in this case, I am because being a cop has turned out to be a career that no one in particular wants anymore. Remember the good old days when you would see a cop in your rearview mirror with his lightbar flashing blue and red? It always got me worked up into a frenzy for no reason at all. I'd be on pins and needles for the two minutes he stepped back into his car to run my plates and license through. I had no reason to be nervous but I was. Maybe it was because this guy was an "Authority Figure"? Who knows? I'd get a warning or a speeding ticket and be on my way taking it easy the rest of the trip to where I was headed and that was the end of it. In 2008, the standard practice of stopping someone on the street for whatever reason has turned into a game of cat and mouse. It only gets worse. Now, I'll bet you didn't know that such big cities like New York, Los Angeles and Chicago are hiding a conspiracy. While statistics show such places at the top of the list for criminal activity, a few minutes spent inside these places paint a differen't picture. The police they say, are targeting the innocent and stirring up the pot of an otherwise peaceful community. You know what I'm talking about. Police get called to a robbery in progress and the alleged criminal runs out the door firing a handgun towards the officers. They shoot him. Next thing you know, the whole neighborhood is seen on tv defending the criminal and even suggesting he either had no weapon or it was a squirt gun or my favorite being, the cops planted it on the guy. The result? Cops doing their job and at the same time getting susprnded while the controversey gets bigger and bigger. Before you know it, a Jesse Jackson and an Al Sharpton are coming to town to get the heads of these nasty cops! This happens every day and has turned "The Law" into a joke. These men and women are expected to show up at work and not do their job because they're afraid of losing their job, getting hit with a lawsuit, or getting killed themselves! Maybe they should do away with the police and make drugs and guns legal. It would be a lot better than it is now. It's like a second grade teacher sending the troublsome kid to "timeout" for ten minutes. Yes, there's a good chance that ten minutes after that the kid will do the same thing again. However, prison has made "timeout" easier for lawbreakers. While you're in "the Joint", you now have access to all kinds of legal information and can now learn the "ins and outs" of the law amd how to beat the system. Everything from a loud car stereo to a homicide has so many loopholes that it can make a cop crazy and give up. The cops are afraid and it's not their fault. It's sad but true, in this day and age the crooks have outsmarted the cops. Maybe it's time we all go back to school ...with an AK-47 in hand of course.

Remembering George Carlin...

Note: I spent four years at a University to earn a B.A. in Radio and Television. This included a few years of Broadcast Law where George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" . His comedy routine is still used to this day as the foundation for over the air broadcasting in radio and television. I will never forget my final exam in Law where one of the questions required us to write the seven dirty words in any order, on the test. Oh yes, we had to memorize the words and give them back to instructor Michael Starr. The only class I ever had where profanity was encouraged. Here is the script of Carlin's comedy act which ended up in Supreme Court...

The big seven words you weren't allowed to broadcast were: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.




Here is the original Carlin comedy routine that caused the Fracas.
"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.
We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.
And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.
Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.
Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list...like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.
And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. But forget about that. A little accidental humor there. Piss and Cunt. The reason Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago certain ladies said 'Those are the two I am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit, but P and C are out. P and C are out.' Which led to such stupid sentences as 'OK, you fuckers, I am going to tinkle now.'
And of course the word Fuck. The word Fuck, I don't really...well, this is some more accidental humor, but I don't really want to get into that now. Because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I mean, I think the word fuck is an important word. It's the beginning of life, and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other, quite often. And uh, people much wiser than I have said, I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one other. And I of course agree. I wish I know who said it first, and I agree with that. But I would like to take it a step further. I would like to substitute the word fuck, for the word kill in all those movie cliches we grew up with. 'Okay Sheriff, we're gonna fuck ya now. But we're gonna fuck ya slow.' So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' rap on that word. I hope so.
Uh, there are two-way words, but those are the seven you can never say on television. Under any circumstances you just can not say them ever, ever ever, not even clinically. You can not weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget those seven, they're out.
But, there are some two-way words. There are double-meaning words. Remember the ones your giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed three times.''Hey, the cock the cock crowed three times. It's in the bible.' There are some Two-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy [mis-spelled in original transcription. -ed.] to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.' But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them. He must have hurt them by God.' And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick. No, no."