"What's wrong with gramma Edna??!!"

"What's wrong with gramma Edna Daddy?" If you're a parent of a little one, how do you answer THIS question? Here's the scenario: You say, "You know gramma's friend Martha? That nice old lady thats always visiting gramma's apartment? Yeah, she's the one that always drives gramma to the doctor, the store, and plays bingo with her at the church every Wednesday and Saturday night? Well Billy, the thing is...you now have two grammas. When grampa Hank died last year, Martha took his place you see? Gramma Edna and Martha love one another so much that they went to San Francisco to get married. Not to another man, but to each other!" WOW! What a shocker! Breaking the news like this is the best way to deal with Billy's question, hopefully until he gets a little bit older. You better believe though, that this subject will come up again sometime soon. As for you, how do you take this? Gramma and grampa were married for over 50 years and were so happy, so you thought. Looking back on it though, that Martha woman was always there even when grampa was alive and still working. Was the marriage a sham or was it real? How could that nice lady Martha become a "homewrecker"? That's probably what did grampa in and made him drop dead! Look, there's nothing wrong with being gay, Perhaps you're one of those people that "live on the edge" and like to try new things. Okay. Fine. Don't try this thing when your in your 80's and all your cracks and holes are filled with cobwebs if you're a woman and all you can shoot are puffs of air if you're a man! These are the kind of folks I'd hate to bump into at the Sybaris. The first half an hour would provide lots of laughs however, the rest of the weekend would find me slumped over the toilet throwing up. Thank goodness for all the soundproofing the Sybaris has in their rooms or it could be a lot worse! Gay marriage became legal yesterday in San Francisco and to show that age isn't a deterrent to the whole idea, such people as Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O'Donnell and George (Mr. Sulu of Star Trek) Tekai moved out of the way and parted the waiting line at the courthouse like Moses parted The Red Sea to allow the two nice old ladies get married first. The old hens ought to be ashamed of themselves! The only hole they should be worried about crawling into has a tombstone at the head of it. Yuck!

Tonight was the big night to award people for their superb acting skills. Of course, I speak of the annual TV Land awards. The only award show for people who at this point, forgot they were ever a part of television history in the first place. For many, it's been fifty years since they last appeared. For some, there's no explaination for their being there at all. A few of these shows "Jumped the Shark" after only three or four episodes before getting the axe. Only TV Land believes that getting their hands on these old relics and giving them awards is like capturing lightning in a bottle. I invite you to their website where you can see the whole collection of shows in a nice list. Quite a majority of these air on their cable channel in other parts of the world. This is a great way to teach other countries about America's good taste. Hey, remember the hit early 1980's sitcom Square Pegs? It starred an up and coming teenage girl and was based on the movie Valley Girls. Such a show would be dead and buried for years like it was however, because Sarah Jessica Parker was in it and is now promoting the Sex in the City movie, TV Land dug up the gravesite and stole the tapes. It only makes sense that this sitcom deserve kudos now, some twenty five years after the fact.

Speaking of TV Land, it was a few years ago that Brad Garret of Everybody Loves Raymond put on a tuxedo and entertained the audience as host of the awards show. Right after that, FOX gave him the pitch for a show to call his own instead of playing second fiddle...Til Death emerged and had trouble right out of the gate. The first two episodes aired before it was put on hiatus for a complete overhaul. What happened next? It came back but, FOX has finally taken this disaster off life support before next season... This has left Brad Garrett a complete mess. Not only are his pockets empty but his self esteem has been kicked to the curb. Poor guy can't even find himself a ladyfriend! He's decided to make his situation public and says he's even counting on telephone dating to bring him back to life. The last person to try this as a last resort tried it about five times and ended up divorced five times. Look what it's done for his career! The person is none other than Tom Arnold, the ex of Roseanne. An open plea to Steven Spielberg..."Don't do what I think you're gonna do next. E.T. isn't worth it!" Now that several old films he worked on have been revisited with prequels and sequels, I'm not ready for a warp speed trip back to 1984's E.T. The Extra Terrestrial. I mention this because if you haven'r heard, now that Star Wars and Indiana Jones have come back, he's alreafy answering questions about ET,'s future. I for one, am not one of the folks who wish to see this alien again. Not only was it a hokey idea but that guy was creepy and way too popular! Yeah, Michael Jackson scared the hell out of me then, and the little sidekick of his that peddled those Reese's Pieces wasn't that nice looking either. Besides, Drew Barrymore has done a lot since then and would more than likely be "too busy" to squeeze in a cameo. As for Henry Thomas (Elliott), he's got a lot of time on his hands, He retired after the film and comes back on occasion to do an "Artsy Fartsy" movie that only gets screened at The Cannes Film Festival. He's near 40 now for crying out loud! A pjone call to cast him would really do damage to this one time family film. A middle aged man and E.T. playing in the closet conjures up images of an alien pedophile. If aliens do exist, thank goodness they are only seen in the sky over Roswell, New Mexico. It's a dumb idea Steven. Don't even think about it! ...And oh yes, Debra Winger WAS the person who provided the alien's voice Use that bit of trivia as an icebreaker at your next dinner party.

Good Science Gone Bad

What started as a scheme to grab the attention of some bored high school chemistry students has taken on a life of it's own by branching out. Everyone who has access to the internet has seen the now world famous "Mentos in the diet Pepsi" routine. Great idea. It only goes to show that it doesn;t take much to get jids motivated and try the experiment in their backyard. The experiment was also proven to show that for reasons such as this, it should come as no surptise that the United States ranks close to the bottom of the list for academics! Just this week some drunk college kids caused an uproar when their video mafe it to YouTube. It was someone's hypothesis that cell phones are so dangerous that placing a handful of popcorn kernals on a table surrounded by cell phones would in fact, pop the corn. Imagine then, what this can do to your head?! Just yesterday, it was revealed that these guys were playing a trick and such a thing never happened. It was then that I decided to "debunk the debunkers" who came up with this theory. They really weren't far off the mark... such invisible microwaves being transmitted from an object in a room full of people will result in some sort of abnormal phenomena. This was the case when color televisions came to be. It was said that leaving a big tv with an old time tube that that had to warm up, will leave a shadow or outline of people sitting in front of the tv on the wall behind where they were sutting, It's radiation. I decided to put a spin on this and bring it up to the 21st Century by using a microwave oven. For my testers, I decided to place a call to my old dorm room down in Carbondale to see who answered the phone. As expected, my phone call was answered by a kid in a room full of noise. I explained to the kid on the phone that I needed help with what I was doing however, it would involve drugs and alcohol and a few helpers to stop by "Old Towne Liquors" on South Illinois Avenue. I chose fortified wine and grain alcohol this time knowing that this would keep the group "well focused". An hour passed and I called back to find the party was well under way so it was time to get started on the testimg. I told them, "you need to get your hands on a baby. I'd prefer if the mother gave her consent, but do what you gotta do. We're only borrowing the kid for a while and we'll return it to it's owner." Luckily, a girl down the hall had a sister visiting with a baby and we used him with her standing alongside. The baby would then be placed directly in front of a microwave oven for a few minutes and when the timer buzzed we'd see if anything happened. Sure enough, another guy picked up the phone to talk. "It's gone. Oh my God, it's gone" he screamed amd I quickly aborted the operation. Thank goodness for dialing *67 first in the phone to prevent a traver on my line. I was worried the next morning so I called back. This time an old man answered and said HE was with the boys the night before. This was like some Bermuda Triangle! Later that night I received a call from the store down in Carbondale from the owner who stated that the old man went back with the boys to their dorm. You see, he was the town's "Otis" and just looking for a place to drink. Still, it's taken a lot out of me to realize that the baby abd his mommy vanished into thin air. Don't EVER try this at home!

In Memory of Tim Russert