Good Science Gone Bad

What started as a scheme to grab the attention of some bored high school chemistry students has taken on a life of it's own by branching out. Everyone who has access to the internet has seen the now world famous "Mentos in the diet Pepsi" routine. Great idea. It only goes to show that it doesn;t take much to get jids motivated and try the experiment in their backyard. The experiment was also proven to show that for reasons such as this, it should come as no surptise that the United States ranks close to the bottom of the list for academics! Just this week some drunk college kids caused an uproar when their video mafe it to YouTube. It was someone's hypothesis that cell phones are so dangerous that placing a handful of popcorn kernals on a table surrounded by cell phones would in fact, pop the corn. Imagine then, what this can do to your head?! Just yesterday, it was revealed that these guys were playing a trick and such a thing never happened. It was then that I decided to "debunk the debunkers" who came up with this theory. They really weren't far off the mark... such invisible microwaves being transmitted from an object in a room full of people will result in some sort of abnormal phenomena. This was the case when color televisions came to be. It was said that leaving a big tv with an old time tube that that had to warm up, will leave a shadow or outline of people sitting in front of the tv on the wall behind where they were sutting, It's radiation. I decided to put a spin on this and bring it up to the 21st Century by using a microwave oven. For my testers, I decided to place a call to my old dorm room down in Carbondale to see who answered the phone. As expected, my phone call was answered by a kid in a room full of noise. I explained to the kid on the phone that I needed help with what I was doing however, it would involve drugs and alcohol and a few helpers to stop by "Old Towne Liquors" on South Illinois Avenue. I chose fortified wine and grain alcohol this time knowing that this would keep the group "well focused". An hour passed and I called back to find the party was well under way so it was time to get started on the testimg. I told them, "you need to get your hands on a baby. I'd prefer if the mother gave her consent, but do what you gotta do. We're only borrowing the kid for a while and we'll return it to it's owner." Luckily, a girl down the hall had a sister visiting with a baby and we used him with her standing alongside. The baby would then be placed directly in front of a microwave oven for a few minutes and when the timer buzzed we'd see if anything happened. Sure enough, another guy picked up the phone to talk. "It's gone. Oh my God, it's gone" he screamed amd I quickly aborted the operation. Thank goodness for dialing *67 first in the phone to prevent a traver on my line. I was worried the next morning so I called back. This time an old man answered and said HE was with the boys the night before. This was like some Bermuda Triangle! Later that night I received a call from the store down in Carbondale from the owner who stated that the old man went back with the boys to their dorm. You see, he was the town's "Otis" and just looking for a place to drink. Still, it's taken a lot out of me to realize that the baby abd his mommy vanished into thin air. Don't EVER try this at home!

In Memory of Tim Russert

The following was originally written back on March 16th, 2008...

Last time I checked, my damn GPS said I'm in the Midwest. I guess I am but, you wonder why this world is so friggin' messed up? It's when big stars in "Tinseltown" and on "The Strip" come through town leaving chaos in their wake. Take for instance, Johnny Depp... Maybe you didn't know that he was in "The Hoosier State" for a few days to film a big new motion picture about John Dillinger, the famous gangster. Now, depending on who you talk to, Johnny is either a nice fella or just another jackass that let the spell of Hollywood turn him into a an angry, bitter man who shooed away photographers and autograph seekers. One person wrote about this in his NWI Times column. Phil Potempa who rubs elbows with such legends like Phyllis Diller, Carol Channing, and Ruth Buzzy jumped at the chance to join the thousands of fools who packed the Indiana town to possibly become a "Hollywood Extra". I don't know if all his kissing up to the film crew got him in or lnot, but the movie moved on to a new location and chances are, Potempa's acting career will end up on the cutting room floor. The "regular Joe's" of Crown Point were somewhat troubled by Johnny "avoiding" them as if he was in town to have supper with them. Cripe's sake! He came to do a job, not add new friends to his buddy list! Many were insulted that they didn't even get a glimpse of the weirdo or snapshot on their cell phone and now, Depp has left a sour taste in their mouths. He's as creepy a character as his role as Willy Wonka! He loves his fans so much that he calls France his home. Think about that the next time you suckers camp overnight for 10 hours in the cold hoping he'll join you for an Egg McMuffin and coffee in the morning!
Another entertainer has besmirched the area. I'm talking about John Caponera. Who's he? The guy who has annoyed you in those AT&T commercials the months of February and March with his way off the mark impression of Harry Carey. I've seen this guy's act in comedy clubs and he's no Rich Little. The ad department at AT&T was smart to put a March 31st expiration date on these commercials. You see, these ads air only in Chicago. Meanwhile, Harry's widow, Dutchie lives in California totally unaware that her late husband's image is being poked fun at all without her consent ...Until now. When Dutchie learned of these ads and was offered a "Director's cut" of all three, her heart sank. Just for the record, she never found any rhyme or reason to watch. Get with it! Harry already was a characiture of himself even before Caponera was in diapers! Go back to Zanie's John, and let the old man ferment away in his beer can aluminum casket!

Occasionally things get mixed up. As a service to you, we bring you a post from the past that for some reason or another, never made it.. This one is from April 5th 2008.

POOR William Wrigley! It seems as though that damn billy goat from The Billy Goat Tavern's curse runs a heck of a lot deeper than we originally thought. The Cubs passed the 100 year mark with no World Series and make it only far enough to have homeplate yanked from under their shoes! Yeah, "Yadda, yadda, yadda", we've heard a lion's share of excuses and numerous cracks at breaking the curse have all but failed. It's like going to Earl Shibe with your '73 Oldsmobile for a new paint job...it's gonna look shiny and nice, but it's still going to be a shitty car underneath. That's what you get when you unwrap the stitching from this Cubs baseball. Let's put their record loss of a century to the side for just a minute and focus on the other oddities abound on this franchise. Take the great Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks. The first strike against him was being a black man in a white ballclub. He overcame that one! So, he makes it to the Hall of Fame and the Cubs decide the guy finally deserves a statue in his honor...that's strike two! Strike three is putting up the statue on public display along with a televised tribute to the former great complete with a missing apostraphe! After a day of finger pointing came up empty as to who was at fault for this, it was fixed this morning and life goes on. Now let me point out that the statue STILL isn't fixed. Does Mr. Banks have copper skin? Oops! Seems like this artist goofed!
Now let's talk about Wrigley Field being named an historic place. What's in a name? Nothing. Chicago based United Airlines could have also bought the rights to the joint and slapped their name on the new United Field. Nope. That wouldn't seem right. How about a name that has true meaning? I think renaming the park as The Field of Dreams is a perfect fit. Don't look for James Earl Jones and Kevin Costner to come strolling out of a cornfield either. This is the type of dream that doesn't just doesn't come to fruition. So, the 2008 season is once again off to a doomed start that will be played under a dark storm cloud. There's really nothing a red faced, pin-striped Lou Panella can do about that but take his nitro glycerin and pray for next year!