"Ready for some cuddling and snuggling"

(AP) Sudan, Africa- A class project went haywire for a British school teacher on assignment at a grade school. The 50+ woman almost got her head chopped of for naming the classroom mascot after Muslim's most holy name of Muhammed. The axe was getting sharpened while the lady and her apologies fell on deaf ears. Finally. by the goodness of the British Parliment and the President of Sudan, she's now off the hook however, was escorted to an airplane to send her back home. Good for her!

This is what makes America such a nifty place to live! Your kids can name their teddy bears after anyone they want BUT, there's knockoffs and imposters this Christmas season that can quite frankly, fool even the most cautious shopper. The biggest scam going involves Tickle Me Elmo TMX. Brain damaged consumers should be aware that after adding $20 to the Muppet, the package reads: Giggle Me Elmo TMX. Not only do the Chinese add lead to every toy they export...they can't even get the packaging right. Keep that in mind when shopping for the Borack Obama teddy bear you accidently pick up the Osama Bin Laden teddy bear. Yes, that's enough to make Teddy Roosevelt spin in his grave!

"A Boatload Full Of Crap"...and then some!

We return today at the beginning of December, and what a screwed up world we live in.

• "My Space" or "Dumb Mistake"? Here's the story of a teenage girl dealing with an eating disorder, a lack of friends, and a desire for attention from a boy. The only problem here is that there was no boy. As it turns out, parents of the girlfriend down the street pretended to be the make-believe boyfriend. At the end, things got nasty and the girl ended up hanging herself in the closet. As of today, no charges have been filed against anyone. In other words, do whatever you want on the Internet...Ain't America THEE PLACE TO BE?


• Up next: The Hulkster. While his family circle falls apart, Terry "Hulk" Bollea seeks tranquility from a case of aluminum cans while recovering from the "piledriver" that his wife gave him. Seems as though the VH-1 reality series Hogan Knows Best didn't take his son Nick into account. What do you give a 17 year old kid who has everything? A carload of Miller Lite and the keys to a Dodge Viper where the kid can smash it up and hit another car. All the while, Nick hung on and no beer was spilled. While the Hulkster awaits charges for contributing to the delinquincy of a minor, Mrs. Hogan cashed in the chips with their marriage and wants to keep the kids away from Dad by moving to California. Hogan promises that his wife won't get a penny in the end. Meanwhile, Hulkster puts his marital problems on the back burner as he focuses...not on "Rasslin" but, on the revival of American Gladiators coming soon to NBC.


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Now, when you leave a doodie in the toilet...a messy one that swirls around and around and doesn't go down, you think of Mr. Whipple from those old TV commercials. He would throw a fit if you squeezed his toilet paper however, he squeezed and squeezed like there was no tommorrow. Mr. Whipple died last week. He was in his 90's. Call me crazy but, as he rests in peace, this gentleman's name will always be associated with shit. The next time you wipe, do it for Mr. Whipple!

Evel Knieval died last week too! This was a guy who did stupid stunts that half the time didn't work as planned. His red, white, and blue jumpsuit was a perfect fit for 1976 Bi-Centenial celebrations. Evel cheated death a number of times and retired a number of times. Climbing into a rocket with hopes of flying over the Grand Canyon wasn't just a big deal...it was downright friggin' NUTS! I knew the guy was gonna be in trouble from when Evel's rocket cycle that I had for a toy, failed to lift off the linoleum kitchen floor. One thing he was good at and never lost was going home, getting drunk, and using his wife as a punching bag. He went through three wives and in his later years, went after Kanye West who used his likeness in a music video. Surviving family members include his son, Robbie.

Give the gift that keeps on squealing...

On Sale Now!

"Turkey Jerky With Raspberries And Peanut Stuffing"

Time once again for another holiday gone haywire: Thanksgiving! I say "good grief!" to PBS for their "up close and personal" look at Peanuts creator, Charles M. Schulz. Funny thing is, they managed to squeeze this in at a time when his cartoons air between Halloween and Christmas on television. I will now refer to Mr. Schulz as "Sparkey" - a nickname that friends gave him early on when he was still scribbling stick figures on dinner napkins.

Sparkey knew that drawing and particularily comics were in his future. Fast forward a bit and Sparkey gets his break with "Peanuts". As is the case with many cartoonists and voice-over artists, the characters portrayed are loosely based on friends and family...or are they so "loose"? With friends and family to generate enough material to cover nearly fifty years, it's no wonder that Sparkey was married a few times, wasn't there for his kids, and locked himself in his office at home to draw. The irony here is, it was an escape from everyday life however, the strip literally fed off his life! While "Peanuts" fame was rising and being syndicated in newspapers, Charlie shunned everyone around him. It comes as no shock to learn that the man even skipped Thanksgiving to draw. Snoopy making toast, popcorn, and jelly-beans for dinner wasn't that far off the mark for a typical Thanksgiving in Charlie's office. According to his kids, the only time they saw him was for a daily whoopin' with Sparkey's belt.

Up to his neck in deadlines, Sparkey bit off more than he could chew when he agreed to put some of his creativity on television. It started out with the Christmas special, "A Charlie Brown Christmas". It almost didn't make it to air on CBS because of the references to religion. Well, it was a hit and several weeks later CBS ordered up more of these half hour specials. "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" came around the next year and was followed by the Thanksgiving special. This is where Sparkey's true colors came out. In a segment that was quickly cut in editing, Charlie Brown is on the phone with his Grandmother. While Snoopy is dishing out candy, soda pop, and toast, to the whole gang, Grandma gets irate with Chuck on the phone wondering how in the hell she's gonna squeeze six more people in at the dinner table and AT THE LAST MINUTE! Immediately, Grandma warns Charlie not to bring his gay friends over and also, leave the colored kid at home...in between the "wa wa wa's", Grandma reminds Charlie that the only breasts she wants to see are on the turkey and that if Franklin thinks he's getting fried chicken and collard greens, he's out of luck. CBS censors deleted the scene and made sure that Schulz "played nice" with the kids on a holiday. NEXT TIME: PART II