"These two need a whack in the ass and a slap in the face!"

It's a doggone dirty shame that Bing Crosby and Michael Landon are no longer with us. These guys may have come across as two religious people...Afterall, their TV and movie roles always taught us a moral lesson. Truth is, when the day was over, these two "Holy Rollers" would go home and everyone in the house would be left to walk on eggshells. Why? If one of the kids did something wrong, Bing and Michael would take off the belt and beat the hell out of them. That's what Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan need. They just ended their careers. Call it "Career Suicide" or whatever you want, but the only booking these two are going to get from now on is pornos or performing at State Fairs between the goats, cows, and pigs. What's the deal???

• First up is Britney. Her rather bizarre behavior landed her in rehab once already shortly after she shaved her head bald. After an extended stay in rehab, Britney walked away clean. That is, until she recently sat down with a magazine for an interview and photo shoot and was said to be "out of it". In addition to that, Britney demanded buffalo wings before the photo shoot. Wearing a VERY expensive dress, Britney used it as if it were a napkin wiping hands and face all over the front. The interview was said to be so off the wall, they could only save a little bit. Publishers struggled with deciding to publish this stuff however, they decided to move ahead and release it this Friday saying it is a "cry for help". Back to rehab she goes...
• Now, how about this Lindsay Lohan character? It was only a week ago that she turned 21 and went out for her birthday fresh out of rehab for the 2nd time and wearing an ankle bracelet that detects alcohol. Mysteriously, Lohan's ankle bracelet got lost long enough for a Monday night party of booze, crystal meth, and cocaine. So, Lohan turned "21" and is again entering rehab for the 3rd time. Meanwhile, her parents are confused as to how this happened. Hmmm...Bad parenting? Maybe the whole family ought to go to jail!

"Stuck at the top AND giving the BIG wheel a BIG spin"

St. Louie...My home away from home. The Cardinals stink this year as well as the White Sox, I guess my hopes for a World Series between these guys will have to wait until the 22nd Century. For those hoping to visit the new Busch Stadium to see the Cardinals kick ass, sorry, You are stuck with the Gateway Arch. After 9/11, a visit to the Arch resulted in metal detectors and stopped short of having me strip naked with a rubber glove probing my ass for explosives. After hearing about the antics over the weekend in St. Louis, this is one guy who is tickled to death to have both feet on the ground. One of the elevators broke and trapped a bunch of people at the top for close to four hours! It was either wait for the repair or take a walk down the hot and humid stairway to the bottom. As of a few hours ago, the elevator still wasn't repaired. Let's put it this way...The stairwell smells like pee and liquor. Even though I'm afraid of heights I'd gladly sleep at the top until things are back to normal.

How about this Drew Carey character? I admit, his show was funny for a long time and then it went down the crapper. I'll be so bold to say that ABC made a mistake by letting Drew's show go down the tubes. At least it was a sitcom and not a reality show. Since Drew's show got the axe, as well as "Whose Line is it Anyway" and "Green Screen", ABC/Disney was nothing but trouble. So what's next in line for this guy from Cleveland? For those folks who have been sleeping under a rock, Mr. Carey has been named the replacement for Bob Barker on "The Price is Right". I have no further comment other than hell, anyone is better than Rosie!

"Look Out! Number 5 is Arriving Soon!"

***Season 5 is on the way!"

Send your questions, comments and criticism to the address on the right of your screen, and remember to periodically check in for the latest updates. Think of this place as all the wire services in one place. The only thing is, I'm not kissing anyone's ass!

Tammy Faye's trip to heaven: "All systems Go!"

A Squealing Pig WORLDWIDE 4.0 EXCLUSIVE! Let this be a lesson to those who use religion as a way to collect money for their own benefit. When Jim and Tammy Faye Baker got caught by the nuts pocketing money, he went to prison and Tammy got cancer. Too bad ventriloquist Wayland Flowers passed on years ago. "Madame" was retired from Hollywood Squares and the $25,000 Pyramid in the early 1990's. Tammy Faye and Madame are two broads that could have been twins at birth. "Madame" however, was the better looking of the two. So, what to do when you're knocking on death's door? Pay a visit to Larry King Live on CNN. 65lbs with teeth and hair falling out, Larry still managed to grill her a little more. Hey, If I'm breathing my final breaths in this life, I most certainly would NOT end my Legacy or lack there of, on Larry King. I'd be laying in my friggin' bed waiting to die! At least Larry King got a stiffy from talking to half of the former PTL Network. Jim Baker? Where the hell is he?