"Halloween Havoc", "Who's crazier, Madonna or Oprah?", and a bar of Irish Spring for Rush's filthy mouth"

• "Holy Cripes! It's the Great Potato Charlie Brown!" -Here's an interesting little bit of information taken from the news that you can put to good use for bar bets or an ice-breaker with someone you just met at Chili's. The morning news stations like to have their college interns look up trivia questions that they display and then make you wait until the end of the show for the answer (FOX entices viewers to phone in a text message or call a 900 number that's two bucks a pop). The other day the question was asked about the origins of Halloween and what was originally used as decorations other than pumpkins. I had to stick around for the answer just for the heck of it. So they say, Halloween was meant to be a silly day of non-stop shenanigans and pranks and was originated in Ireland before going through a number of changes upon arriving here. For whatever reason you see, pumpkins can't grow there so they used eggplants and potatos. These things can grow in Ireland's soil...why not a pumpkin? What's so special? Anyway, I think the person that looked up this "factoid" was pulling a fast one on the newsteam. Only goes to show you that these people don't read what they're going to say ahead of time before they go on the air. How in the hell does one "carve" a potato or eggplant? If this is possible, I put this story in with the guy that puts passages from The Bible on the head of a pin and send it off to the Ripley's museum.
• Dammit! "She's made up her mind and she's keeping the baby" - In a classic "One hand washes the other" scenario, I guess Madonna owed Oprah a big favor for something for appearing via satellite from Africa a few days this week. Madonna is now a trend setter. Angelina Jolie doesn't count because she's cautious about who she talks to. If you're white and have the bucks, go to a third world country and pick yourself up a little black kid preferably ill or starving to death, and the more diseases the better. HIV is always a guarantee to get the kid off the lot and into your home today. So, Madonna didn't choose to talk about this with a reputable newsperson such as Barbara Walters. Instead she picked the hooting and hollering animals/women that make up Oprah's audience. Madonna doesn't need a baby at 48 years old. She's looking tired and worn out and has that awful British accent which was done better by Mike Meyer's in Austin Powers. So, the kid's pappy didn't know what this was all about. He got hoodwinked. Stepping off her private jet, this guy thought she would take care of the boy, get some meat on his bones, and send him to Harvard one day so he can go back home. He had no idea who Madonna was except for the fact that she had a suitcase full of Euro's. Before carting the kid off she gave the shaken man the entire catalogue of her CD's. He took them and scratched his head in confusion. It was a nice gift for someone who doesn't know what music is, who Madonna is, what a stereo and CD player are, or what a CD is! Hell, this guy hopes for a rainy day so he can put out a bucket to collect rainwater to drink and she thinks he's going to load up her songs into his iPod. She told Oprah that she's going to take good care of the boy and Oprah and her audience yelled, screamed, applauded, and cried like babies because of Madonna's heart of gold. Oprah is always so touched and full of emotion over stories like this that it makes me sick! I want to know why Oprah just wants to sit in her chair and toss softball questions to her guests and then end the show by telling the guest that they're such a big inspiration. If words amounted to anything, Oprah's ass kissing would have her dressing room filled with dozens of hanging Nobel Peace Prizes. I say, Madonna should stay in the UK, and Oprah should quit talking and start doing. Why not Oprah go to Africa and purchase a couple dozen kids with HIV and be Momma to them?
• Finally, Rush Limbaugh should be farting bubbles like The Lawrence Welk Show if only someone had made him wash his filthy mouth out with a bar of Irish Spring. the other day. The supposedly clean and sober ex Oxycontin junkie would make one wonder if he's back on the pills after accusing Michael J. Fox of not taking his medication anymore for his worsening Parkinson's Disease. At question was Fox's appearance in several political ads aimed at stem cell research. Limbaugh said he was skeptical about Fox's current condition because it seemed like good acting. He then suggested if it wasn't an act, Fox must have quit taking his medication weeks in advance of the commercials to make it seem like he was in genuinly bad shape. The ads showed Fox speaking and the whole while through was anxious, twitching, shaking and trembling. I saw one of the ads and unfortunately, his disease has progressed to the point where it's almost painful to watch him as he struggles to keep it together...not an acting job as Limbaugh suggested. He later apologized after a few hundred people called his "EIB Radio Network" to bitch. What a joke! Even Howard Stern wouldn't stoop as low. Rush, you better put down the pills and go back to rehab. You're talking like a junkie again!
  
  

"The year without a Santa Claus","Fun with quarters" and "The Colonel's makeover"

• Sorry Kids...no more Santa. It seems as though while the jolly fat man works hard all year for December 25th, he got himself into a little trouble with the IRS for not paying property taxes on his suburban Chicago home. He's now left town as well as a nearly $200,000 debt. If you haven't heard the news, Santa's Village in East Dundee, IL just had it's "Everything must go!" sale today. Everything from the urinals in the men's room, to the rickety old roller coasters, and even Santa's Fruit of the Looms were put up for auction. One of the roller coasters sold for over $300,000! Hey geniuses...All you had to do is sell that one thing and you'd have your money so you could stay open! It was a tame place that was kid friendly. According to one of the property owners, places such as Six Flags with roller coasters that reach the stratosphere and go around 100 mph are more fun. I say, they're deadly the way they turn you upsidedown and cause you to pass out and poop in your pants as well as coughing up your lunch. Hey, have you ever heard of someone getting killed at Santa's Village? It's impossible considering their tallest roller coaster reached a staggering 7 feet tall and traveled at 3 mph. Well, Wal-Mart has already shown interest in the property. The only ride there will be the parents pushing their kids in the shopping carts. Yes, yours truly popped in for a visit with Santa one summer day in 1970. All I got that day was this picture. All Santa got was a lap full of pee after scaring the b'jesus out of me. Do I remember that day? Nope. The photos however, make it look like a fun place. Oh well, you can never have enough Wal-Marts or Applebee's. Not to worry though...search The Web and you'll discover more than a dozen other Santa's Villages across America. When planning your vacation for next year, watch the kids eyes light up when you tell them no Disney this time...we're going to California to see Santa. Needless to say, much of the history being sold today was snatched up by owners of the other amusement parks. Some things were bought by collectors who will now have happy neighbors once they look out the kitchen window and see a roller coaster.
• "Hey Mom, can I have a quarter to try and win the kid inside the crane game?" Sure, that's how it happened at an undisclosed Wisconsin store over the weekend. Some kids went shopping with Grandma and were being a pain in the ass like most kids are, Grandma gave each of the kids a couple bucks to "get lost for awhile" at the front of the store where all the video games and the infamous crane game sat alongside the wall. Another kid tugged on his Mom's coat to tell her about the kid inside the plexiglass box with the crane. Yup, there he was sitting in a pile of stuffed animals happy as a clam. A call to 911 resulted in the arrival of the police and fire department which didn't do any good. You see, nobody had a key to the lock, and they weren't able to break the glass. Making matters worse, the manufacturer was out in California. The police then slipped the toddler some tools and some handy instructions on how to get himself out. The kid did it. After a few hours he was free and put David Blaine to shame while Grandma clutched her chest and needed oxygen. So what was so important that the youngster had to climb through a one way opening and get trapped? A stuffed Spongebob Squarepants that he had to have. When all the excitement came to a close, the little whippersnapper walked out the door empty handed and with a spanking from Grandma. Grandma wasn't let off the hook either. The kid's Mom told her that because of her carelessness, she would now be "dead to her". Now, those crane games are a ripoff anyway because the hook never picks anything up. What's more, that toy he was after was made in China. Someone should have grabbed that Spongebob and just given it to the kid. Anyone that would get themselves in a dilly of a pickle like that deserves it if only for the effort!
• Remember when KFC changed it's name baxk to Kentucky Fried Chicken last year? That lasted only a little while before they went back to KFC. Now, they're playing around with the Colonel himself...again. The four examples above are some of the images that have appeared on the chicken bucket. Surprisingly, as time goes on, Sanders is getting visably younger. In two or three years we may see the Colonel with a bad dye job, clean shaven, and wearing contacts. Who's in charge of marketing over there? This is like McDonald's retooling Ronald McDonald and dropping the clown thing without the makeup and silly suit. He'd look like "Napolean Dynamite" and that would make me defect to Arby's.

"Goofy" leaves Disney, Mean Mr. Mustard, and No nukes are good nukes.

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You want it? You got it...Another "No Holds Barred" edition of The Pig. Away we go...

• Goofy has worked it's way from Disneyland and Disneyworld to the theme parks that carry the "Six Flags" moniker. All twenty-something of them. In a sign that we're edging closer to the Communism of the old Soviet Union, Six Flags is now going to be in control of the way you dress and the way you talk when visiting one of their parks starting next year. Suppose you dress in a shirt that says "I'm with stupid". They'll make you turn it inside out, go to the car for another shirt, or get kicked out. There are no flip flops or open toe sandals allowed there anymore either. It's too dangerous they say. The bottom line is, when you go to one of their struggling amusement parks in the future, dress as if you're going to church. You may even want to consider carrying a Bible with you too! While Disney is focusing on getting rid of all the junk food at their parks, Six Flags is mad that your shirt says, "F*** You"! Also, before visiting Six Flags, brush your teeth real good and grab a bar of Irish Spring. You'll need that too. Employees are told not to allow profane language. It's a family place now. Is this going to make me rush over to Gurnee? Hell no. First of all, I haven't been there for almost 20 years. In other words, I can live without the place another 20 or more. You heard it here first folks...in a few years Great America will be home to a Wal-Mart, Target and TGI Fridays.
• Sir Paul has got his tits in the wringer with his soon to be Ex-Wife Heather. Seems as though Sir Paul's being knighted a few years ago hasn't slowed down his rowdy lifestyle that first came to light at the end of The Beatles reign on the music charts. What does this legless woman have against Paul other than the fact he's filthy rich and she's not? Finger pointing and plenty of it. She says, allegedly, that Paul is an alcoholic who has beat her, punched holes in the walls, and even attacked her with a half broken wine bottle to the throat. When not in a stuper, Paul was using drugs heavily, and not just smoking pot. She labels Paul as a "physically and verbally abusive mean man". Meanwhile, nobody's grilling this broad who was clueless who The Beatles were when she met Paul. "Did you play bars or something? Are you mad you never got a record deal?" she asked. What followed was justified. She was adding up all of Paul's assets in her head and pretending to be a big dope. It was only fitting that Paul took off her artificial legs and whacked her upside the head to teach her a lesson. Afterall, You'd have to be bound and gagged in a locked closet for 20 years not to know The Beatles. This scam wasn't even worthy of being called "pulling a fast one". Nope. This scam was powered on rocket fuel. Stress? You betcha! All that may be left is Ringo when this is over.
• Here's a question for President Bush and Connie Rice: Since when does testing an alternate power source involve detonating nuclear missiles. We keep hearing from Washington that if North Korea conducts another test, there will be "serious consequences" for that country however, no economic sanctions...Huh? This is where you're supposed to start. This Communist Nation is already in a serious state of turmoil. 80% of workers salaries are taken by the government. People, mainly children and the elderly drop dead in the streets while the hard working citizens of North Korea are spending the majority of their income on military projects. I say to Bush and Rice, quit pussyfooting around and don't even bother to negotiate something. You're only wasting valuable time. Maybe if that whole nation starves to death, they'll realize they've made a big mistake. Otherwise, in another year, the Middle East will meet with an angry North Korea and walk away with nuclear weapons that will most certainly be used against the U.S.

Who's career is still on track?

After a week or so of glitches, The Squealing Pig is back. This is only a test run that will now include audio clips, and in the future will have video clips. This month, I'm using a common theme. I've got photos of ICP, K-Fed and Mr. T. The common thread is that all three are 'Rasslin wannabe's who have appeared on WWE television. To make this short and to the point...ICP are two Hellraisers that don't give a rat's ass about who thinks what. Their song appears at the play button at the right hand corner of the page. They're from Detroit, friends of Howard Stern, and they rock and rap and get arrested. Kind of like KISS on training wheels. Yeah, they call Detroit home too along with Kid Rock, Bob Segar and others.

Kevin Federline (K-Fed) or Mr. Britney Spears to you, thank you very much, proved two things on Monday night while appearing as a guest on USA Network's Monday Night RAW: 1) We all know that professional wrestling is scripted, so why pull this Eminem clone out of the audience and pretend he's good frirnds with heels "Johnny Nitro" and "Marlena"? 2) The stadium full of "F you" chants and "You suck" were truly genuine when Federline offered to perform a track from his upcoming Halloween CD release. This guy is just poor, white trash.

Finally, I pity the fool that takes the advice that Mr. T gives to heart. OK, I admit. This is sort of a guilt pleasure to sit and watch on Wednesday nights. What a difference that 29 lbs of gold makes once removed from around the neck of "T"! So, now he'd genuine and a people person? Yeah right. TV Land may be able to pat themselves on the back considering all the buzz that has gone along with the show however, you think Mr. T gives a damn about you? Hell no. As long as the check clears from a half hour of his shenanigans, he'll be happy. TV Land will be happy too...that goes without saying.