"Intersection", "The great pick me ups", and "Smashing bad pumpkins"

• Doin' my job "Old Style" before catching up with "Jack, Jim, and Jose" - In today's abbreviated post I take a look at a few things that even YOU can feel free to discuss at the water cooler on Friday! Hey, somewhere up in Northern Illinois earlier this week an elderly man dressed as a crossing guard was lying face down in the street with a car stopped a few feet away from the man. A woman taking the kids to school sees what's going on and immediately pulls out the phone to call the cops assuming the stopped car in the middle of the street hit the man. The woman in the car closest to the man frantically tries to talk her way out of the situation to bystanders. She never hit the guy! She gives the same story to the cops while EMT's arrive and turn the guy over who is still breathing. They attempt to have his car towed while he goes to the hospital and come across a mountain of beer cans on the passanger side floorboard. Well, at the ER the police get the news and have staffers administer a breathalizer test. As suspected, the old guy was reporting to work intoxicated. He would have been helping school kids cross a busy street while being OVER four times the legal limit in Illinois. Nobody hit the guy. He just staggered into the street at 6:30 AM and fell face first orange vest, stop sign and all. Needless to say, upon being discharged a few days later, his job had been filled. Parents are still outraged that cops had no legal grounds for a DUI although, he did pick up several tickets anyway. I Think my mentioning this is punishment enough for the guy. Here's to ya!
• You know who "Matthew Lesko" is? He's the annoying guy with television commercials filmed around the U.S. Capital. He wears red framed glasses and wears a neon green suit covered with question marks like "The Riddler". While he hops and jumps around like he's got ants in his pants, he tells us about all the things the government can give us for free (ONLY if you pay the $30 for his book). Now everyone...he's expanding to other areas. One of his little secrets he says, is if you play your cards right you can get free coffee at Starbucks for life! (Didn't Kramer get this deal on "Seinfeld" when he settled a lawsuit for spilling hot coffee?). Now, Fox News was supposed to give away the secret you need to do this however, a good magician never reveals how the trick was done. Mmmkay, you can get pretty much anything for free if you just slip and fall, grab your back and scream, and threaten to call your attorney. Think about this carefully, do some planning in advance, and you can pretty much avoid paying for anything, ANYWHERE. I didn't watch Fox long enough to see the whole trick. I'm more concerned about cocaine.
• "Cocaine". is now a brand name that has an "R" inside of a circle. It's a drink that can be found in the 7-11 refrigerator next to "Red Bull". There's no age requirement for this new drink however, the name alone is making some places nervous about selling this stuff to kids and it could result in a misunderstanding typical of "Three's Company" when parents ask, "Hey Junior, what do you have there?"and Junior replies, "Oh nothing. Just Cocaine". Remember "Jolt" Cola in the 1980's? nobody liked that name either because kids were buying it, and God knows they don't need a can of soda equal in caffeine to five cups of coffee. "Jolt" is still out there in certain places if you look long and hard enough. "Red Bull" is everywhere and advertises as well as sponsor sporting events. I don't think you'll be seeing this happen with "Cocaine", which is supposed to be 10x stronger than The Bull. What they fail to realize is that these things are used primarily as mixers in bars and clubs and not The World's Strongest Man competitions on ESPN. I must get some Cocaine just for the novelty.
• Finally, heeeeere's Halloween. It seems there's always got to be something to spoil the fun each year, Blame it on the guy who makes the weather. Pumpkins were picked especially early this year because well, you can't count on the weather for anything lately. It wasn't your imagination. Pumpkins really were up for sale in September at grocery stores and farmstands. For people who look forward to this orange mess full of goop for cooking and baking, you've probably already gutted the suckers and pulled out the slimy, seedy inside to make your cakes and pies. If you're like me, you say ,"Who the @*&! cares?!" Let's face it, people ran out to get these to carve and seeing they were starting to go bad, already carved them up. Now they're really going bad and are a day or two from hitting the trash. Will you get another one? Don't be stupid! There's plenty of other "round" things to carve. If you can still find a good one, how about a melon? Cantaloupe, honeydew, musk, water. How about a potato or coconut? Think small this year and do a grapefruit or orange. If you're really talented, carve a lime like they do in that Corona Beer commercial, Lastly, you can be like me and close the blinds and turn off the lights and pretend nobody's home!
  
  
  

"Chicago's 1st Hurricane Hits" and "Foley's Boxers on eBay"

• The fallout after the blowout - Dateline 10/2/06 Reprinted from The Chicago Bugle: Chicago (AP) - Chicago area residents are exiting their homes this morning to head to work, only to find 100 year old oak trees and in some cases, their roofs laying on their carss and front lawns. Severe storms ripped through Northern Illinois dumping 5" of rain in a few hours. Winds howled at gusts clocked more than 75 mph and knocked down power lines leaving several hundred thousand ComEd users in the dark for hours. This weather event, the worst in nearly a decade, has forced many to leave their homes. Refrigerators hold nothing but spoiled food and the tap water is unsafe to drink. Area creeks, rivers and streams are expected to crest this weekend several feet above flood stage. A woman who took time out from the cleanup to talk to us but chose not to give her name remarked, "It's was the wosest I ever seen. I looked out and said Lordy...don't take the place I stay. The eye of the hurricane passed, but then we had some mo!" OK, obviously not in the paper however, someone did make that statement to FOX news Chicago. This is one for the record books, and I'm not talking about the rain, hail, wind and everything else. To think that a hurricane formed right over Chicago and swirled it's way out to sea has NEVER happened until now. Everything happened so fast that there wasn't any time for the people at NOAA hurricane tracking to come up with a name. So, for the first time since they started naming storms in the 1930's, I suppose this will go in the books nameless.
• Which is worse? - Because of all the scams and claims of racism after Katrina, people are more quick than ever to look at every option there is to make money off an "Act of God". A microburst is said to have been behind several collapsed buildings and warehouses SW of the city. Other things that went along with this storm was the hail and damage it caused to cars and windows. A 1000 or so trees either snapped in half or flew through the air to end up through someone's roof. While all this was going on, television reporters went to a bad part of town to talk to people there who had an axe to grind because a tree limb wasnt yet lifted off the hood of their car two hours after the storm was over. A few people suggested that because of their race and where they live, Chicago is giving them a screw job and shuffling them to the bottom of the deck while making million dollar homes top priority. Complaints over no power and spoiled food. Water in the basement. A broken window or two on the house. Yep, you all have it rough! Contact the Governor's office and he can contact Washington. Disaster area? These places have already been that for thirty years. Tell you what...since your family came up North after Katrina for help, why not go down there now because nobody will come out and fix your window on your front door? Maybe if enough people go, you'll at least get a $100 gift card to Target for the "inconvenience". Ssshhh! Quiet! Don't look for a handout. This was only a thunderstorm! Get over it!
• What about Sen. Ted Kennedy? - What's up with this Congressman Mark Foley and his secret life? Yeah, there was his admission of guilt and what he did was unnacceptable if he's working on taxpayers time or not. It just wasn't right either. Kind of like Nancy Reagan's catchphrase of the 80's still used today..."Just say no to Drugs". Imagine her being a guest speaker to a bunch of kids, saying her famous quote, and then afterwards going backstage to shoot up heroin? Same thing this Foley has done. At first, he claimed a drinking problem caused his clouded judgement. He resigned from his Post to go to rehab and then they said, "OK, now that we have that out of the way, what else?" Oh yeah, he forgot to mention his mention his mental illness. "Anything else?" They ask him. "Yes, one more thing I forgot...I'm homosexual." Hmmm. As they head out the door Foley screams out, "Wait! Did I mention the Priest at my church that molested me on a regular basis when I was a kid?!" ...And that was that at least for now. Bottom line: Anything you may do illegally can easily be swept under the rug when your trump card includes sexual abuse by a Priest. I still want to know about Ted Kennedy. Mark Foley had personal problems and now he's history. Kennedy DOESN'T? Ha!

"Dusty in the wind", "Silly Cubs fans", "Rock a bye baby" and "He's one too!"

WOW! What a day for BREAKING NEWS! If you live in or around Chicago, you know what I mean. Without any delay, let's get right to it...

• The Night They Drove Old Dusty Down - A big stormcloud has been swirling over Wrigley Field for the last 24 hours as a major realighnment of the Chicago Cubs gets underway after a usual last place finish for the season. The Tribune Company which owns the ball club have already advised the top brass that this next manager should be hand picked with money being no object. Well, before they open up their checkbooks to find a cure for Cubthritis that has afflicted the team for it's entire existance...maybe letting Dusty go so soon wasn't such a good idea. If there's a mountain of money available, here's an idea: Spend it on some new players that will stick around to play more than a month. Is it really Dusty's fault that after playing only a few weeks at a time some key players got shelved with injuries for the rest of the season? Hey, you can only do so much with what you have. Yes, a bunch of crippled people on a baseball field will guarantee a last place finish. Don't cry any tears for Dusty however, there's already talk that his suitcases are on a plane headed back to San Francisco where he came from. Meanwhile, look for Johnny woo-woo to take over in the interim.
• That brings me to this...baseball in Chicago is over, but I have my own idea for a new baseball jersey replica for the Cub fan on your Christmas list (shown above). Reporters gathered in front of old Wrigley Field today to ask teary eyed fans what they think about today's news. A few said they were upset, but most said they didn't care who's going to fill Dusty's size 11's next. Nope. It doesn't matter. They'll bask in the hot summer sun in the bleachers shirtless and drinking Budweiser no matter where the Cubs are in the standings. Right. The World Champion (for a few weeks yet) White Sox? After the best attendance record ever, let's see how many of next year's games are sellouts. Remember the Chicago Bulls of the 1990's where people would give their unborn child for a ticket even if your head was bumping the roof of the United Center? In 2005, they were going five for ten bucks courtside! The moral here? Obviously the Cub fans are going to Wrigley to party. Everywhere else, the people are going for the game.
• Too strong for Cheech and Chong? - I was just telling myself the other day that it's been quite some time since George Michael has been in the news. I thought, maybe he finally got his act together. I knew he was finishing an album and planning a tour...and then, WHAM! Right out of the blue, George makes the news on The E! Channel's website. Once again, George has screwed up with the drugs. Someone going down an isolated road in a London suburb in the middle of the night came upon a car stopped on the road with a man slumped over the steering wheel horn blaring. A call was made to the cops who discovered the guy was under the influence of something and passed out while driving. Then they realized it was George Michael who after a few slaps in the face woke up and said he was out at a Club and letting off steam. A sandwich bag was found in his pocket containing marijuana and later failed a drug test. So I asked myself, "Is that it?" Boy, the London police must really be dumb to think someone can pass out from smoking JUST marijuana. In any case, we wish Mr. Michael a speedy trip through rehab so he can get back on the road to belt out his twenty year old songs!
• No meat, no drinks, no snakes for Alice - For our Jewish friends out there, today is the day of atonement known as "Yom Kippur". Alice Cooper is a Jew, so no Old Country Buffet for him today. Others who will be fasting today include William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Jerry Seinfeld and Ben and his Dad Jerry Stiller. Some big entertainers on the list include Barry Mannilow, Barbara Streisand, Neil Diamond and of course, Adam Sandler. Happy Yom Kippur to you all!

A look at what's "Hot" and what's "Not" on the tube

After A week of extensive research and testing some of the poop that's been forced down our throats like a wooden tongue depresser full of slivers, there's more misses than hits this year and the big networks should have no problem thinning out the fields of this vast wasteland by Halloween. After tuning into two staples of Saturday's, it would appear from the start that once again "Mad TV" is actually funnier than "SNL". On Sunday's we get to see the two defectors most recently seen on ABC Monday Night Football try not to forget that they are now on NBC. This makes it official. John Madden IS the biggest thing in football. He's worked on every network, enjoys success from his video games, and rides across the USA in his Outback Steakhouse motor home. That's Sundays. As for the weeknights, here's a few observations.

• Till Death - Brad Garrett's return to TV after Everybody Loves Raymond has gotten nothing but praise from reviewers. Me? I think it's crap! I watched it once and didn't know if I was watching Married With Children or Everybody Loves Raymond. Garrett should have taken a lesson from recent shows such as Friends and Seinfeld. You don't spend 10 years on a sitcom, take a year off, and then come back on TV thinking everyone's forgotten about you. Nope. I give Till Death two thumbs and two big toes down and hope it dies a quick death. How will we know the show may be in trouble? When we see guest appearances by Ray Romano and Peter Boyle. Hard to believe Fox Network has been around since the mid 1980's and still puts on crap like this!
• Deal or No Deal? - No Deal! They keep saying that this could very well be the BIGGEST game show in the history of TV. Producers of the show were in Chicago this weekend looking for potential contestants. When asked about why the show is so successful, a staff member suggested that people at home "get excited to see others take risks and become rich" Huh? That's like going to Las Vegas not to gamble, but to watch because it's fun to see people walking to the ATM machine every 15 minutes to take out another $100, or going to the racetrack not to bet, but just look at all the pretty horsies. Personally, I don't get any thrill out of seeing anyone walk out of a building carrying a suitcase full of money. Anyway, this Deal or No Deal show is for the mentally challenged because you don't need a brain to say those "deal" or "no deal" words. I put this in the same category as the old Let's Make A Deal, Joker's Wild, and Tic Tac Dough. I want to know who says that this is the "best game show in history" anyway. Lastly, who got washed up Howie Mandel to host and pepper the show with lame jokes and wisecracks? Howie had a good thing going years ago with blowing up the rubber gloves over his head like a balloon. It was reckless, risky, and taking a gamble...this isn't.
• Dateline NBC - Surprisingly to me, this newsmagazine program has been on in one way or another for 20 years! Having said that, time has really sucked the life and credibility out of the show. No more Tom Brokaw, Katie Couric, or Jane Pauley to unravel the week's big stories. Stone Phillips has taken over and has driven the direction of the show to almost the same level as The Jerry Springer Show. Anyone who watches knows that Friday nights are now devoted to Internet Predators. Like the photo above, middle aged horny men strip naked and go online to places like MySpace to talk dirty to 12 and 13 year boys. Pretty soon these guys decide that all the sex talk isn't enough and arrange to meet with the kids and promise to bring beer, dope, and condoms. Some of these guys drive for four hours through rain, sleet, snow...you name it. When they get to the house, the "little kid" opens the door and says he's going to take a quick shower before they get started. Meanwhile, these sickos don't realize that the "kid" is really a 30 year old woman undercover officer. It is then that the NBC crew comes out of the kitchen with pages of emails, reads portions back to them and then asks if they want to say anything. They head for the door and then get ambushed by about 20 cops. It's a good thing and those guys deserve jail however, taking a page from America's Most Wanted, they're keeping track of how many people have been convicted. On Friday, it was at 17. Eventually this topic is sure to evolve into it's own weekly show aside from Dateline. I say, keep arresting these sick S.O.B.'s with the sting operations but PLEASE, how about a little news. I can't stomach this every single week!