"It's not easy being green", "What's she thinking?", and "What's PARIS thinking?"

Kermit the Frog has gotten a bad rap, Why? E.Coli seemed to have ruin our favorite frog's image. Never mind the fact that Kermit is green BUT, so is spinach. I've never seen a frog with the shits. I've held a frog once that pee'd on me. Anyway, let this be a lesson to all of you...nevermind Popeye the Sailor. Spinich will get you sick! Here's what you have to do to make sure you don't get the soupie poopies...Buy your spinach and bring it home. There you'll want to rinse it under hot water and then scrub it down with Palmolive. Next, pat everything down with a paper towel and put to the side. Step 2 is to take a large pot of water and bring it to a boil. When this is done, add an equal part of ammonia and bleach and add the spinich. Rinse thoroughly and enjoy. You may want to crack a window when starting step 2 or you may get sick. Now, here's something that really gets me sick...the damn commercials that have been bashing Judy Baar Topinka. Hey, I don't know WHAT Judy Baar Topinka is actually thinking however, I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking two :30 second spots every commercial break asking me what she's thinking, has me thinking that Gov. Rod Blagoyavich has a lot of money to burn...Illinois' money. In other words, Mr. Governer's political agenda for re-election falls a little flat. Oh, don't worry. Topinka isn't Mother Theresa either BUT, if I had to pick the lesser of two evils, I'd go for the nutty red-headed broad. At least I can spell her name. Finally, there's trouble with Paris. Mizz Hilton's star appears to be burning out as a result of her recent DUI arrest. While her 12 cars now have to sit idle in her garage, Paris must rely on a friend to take her to the clubs. I don't know if it's Paris' reputation, or the fact that her girlfriend drives a poor man's $75,000 Hummer. Anyway you slice it, Paris has been getting rejected from trendy bars and clubs. Oh well, Paris had better make some friends with the patrons at Starbuck's around the corner. Yeah, she can bring her little dog too!

"No sex, but still getting scewed!"

Here we go again. Don't mind me. I'm ready to smack the taste out of someone's mouth! Yeah, I've been lucky to have had a dozen relatives kick the bucket. Unbeknownstd to me, these people all were in agreement that I should handle their affairs. As a result, I'm too damn good to be writing a blog. But seriously, attached is a letter I got and my response follows. You've probably gotten one of these yourself. If so, feel free to copy and paste my letter back to them. Here's the letter and here's my response. I probably blew my chances of attending fancy dinner parties in my tuxedo.

I am George Smith, an attorney at law. A deceased client of mine,by name Mr.Frednand David,who hereinafter shall be referred to as my client,died in a lane crash with members of his family on their way toNewyork for Holidays.See link below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/859479.stmI have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this deposit valued at (US$10.5M) is lodged. This Bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin,orthe account will be confiscated.My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my client,so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage:1. 35% for you2. 60% for me3. 5% for any expenses to be incurred in course of this transaction.All legal documents to back up your claim as my client'snext-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperationto enable us see this Transaction through.This will be executed under alegitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of thelaw. If this business proposition offends your moral values, do accept my apology.Please contact me at once to indicate your interest.Best regards,ESQ.George Smith.Email: mail@george.la

__________________________________________________________________________________



Thank the good Lord above for your contacting me about the death of my favorite uncle Fred. I will miss him dearly. I never thought he'd get over the fact that I slept with his second wife. I'm glad it was a plane crash and not me that killed the bastard. Truth is, Fred left the States after hiring a hitman to gun down my Father and take his money worth about $10.5 million bucks that was made as a result of my Father's smart investments in Microsoft and WalMart. While Fred was on the run with a suitcase full of currency, all we were able to afford is a shovel from Home Depot to dig a hole in the backyard and kick him in.

Now, Fred was a grade school teacher for nearly nine years. One thing Fred couldn't stand is people calling him Ferdinand. He was also a stickler with spelling. Who wrote your letter to me, your 7 year old son? There's a fucking button called "spell check". Tell your kid to make use of it!

Finally, before we go any further with this charade, all correspondence will be passed along to the Illinois Attorney General as well as the producers of Dateline NBC. Now, if you give me the runaround, my attorney will be contacting you. You see Sir, that money is mine and you WON'T tell me how much I'm supposed to give you. You don't have me by the nuts. I have YOU by the nuts! Coersion and Misrepresentation are enough to put you in the slammer. Think about that. I know how to hunt you down like a friggin' pitbull. Believe me, by the end of today, I'll find out who you are.

Here's the dope on the dopes!

How about that news folks? After a few years on hiatus, drug use in Hollywood has once again kicked into high gear. Sadly, the way things work is that a few weeks in a treatment center guarantees a lot of offers when they let you out! Be it far away from the truth to have The Squealing Pig endorse drug use HOWEVER, don't be a jackass and get your name in the news! This week has provided me with news of people that probably need rehab but "don't have a problem" MMkay. Before I get started, what the hell is a "Bluetooth"? I'll tell you this...I just got done eating blueberries so, I present this Blog to you in "Blue Teeth". Let's get started, shall we? Adjust your monitor to read this in blue teeth.

• Anna Nicole Smith -Just hearing her name is funny enough. Her son died while in the hospital visiting her and her new baby. C'mon Anna, the Bahamas are a good place for dying. The police really don't care. This kid had no drugs in his system? Sorry. He had Xanax and speed in his system! Poor Anna was so broken up over the death that they had to give her valium. I wonder how many other relatives of hers will die as the reason for taking drugs? Giving Anna valium is like giving a drunk a bottle of Jack Daniel's! That's OK though. Trimspa did a good job with her no matter how screwed in the head she is! If the "locals" in the Bahamas decide that she was somehow involved in her son's death, One more photo shoot please! This time, forget Playboy...I want to see her in Hustler rolling around in mud with Courtney Love!
• Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown -Where do I begin with these two? After all the years of being married (I use the term loosely) and making headlines everywhere they went for their drug addiction and Bobby's arrests, Whitney has finally said, "enough is enough" and has filed for divorce. That's a good idea. It's all Bobby's fault. If not for him, Whitney would still be on top of the world! It was all Bobby's fault that Whitney snorted that cocaine, smoked the dope, popped the pills, and picked up that crack pipe. Heaven help us if Whitney releases a gospel album for her "comeback". Funny thing is, no matter what you do...drugs or chop someone's head off with an axe, all is forgiven when you mention that God is in your life. Whitney will probably appear on Oprah soon to have a "heart to heart" and explain how much she's learned from her life experiences. Afterwards, she'll attempt to board a plane at O'Hare when they discover a glad bag full of dope. Let's see how this plays out.
• Johnny Mathis -The negro "King of Croon" has a couple two three dozen records going back to the early 1960's. Your parents probably brought you into this world with one of Johnny's albums playing on the Hi-Fi and the lights turned down low in your Grandparents living room. "Chances Are" was an invitation for romance. While I know the song well...I'm most familiar with his Christmas music. Anyway, what to do when you sing standards in 2006 and try and compete with "The Black Eyed Peas" and "Diddy"? Well, you reach for the crack pipe! This guy who's nearing 70 years old is upset that the whippersnappers out there aren't stepping over one another to snatch up Johnny Mathis CD's. He just left rehab and is about to hit the road once again. When I hear "Marshmallow World" and "Have Reindeer, Will Travel" this Christmas, I'll be thinking of you Johnny!
• Bert from "Sesame Street" -I can't believe this one! Sesame Street's Bert is at a career crossroads. Bert was caught by Sesame Street staffers smoking a crack pipe and shooting up heroin. Apparently, Bert is worried that he and Ernie are being shuffled to the bottom of the deck with all the new characters getting the most attention. Well, staffers at the Children's Television Workshop had enough when Bert showed up the other day looking disheveled with a three day beard growth. An intervention isn't out of the question however, Bert said that he's on to everyone's tricks and has so far refused. In a statement from CTW, they explain things openly, "It has come to our attention that the public has been made aware of Bert's problems. We hope Bert gets the help he needs. If after 38 years together with Ernie he refuses treatment, we will be forced to terminate our relationship. As a result, all 38 years of Bert's antics will be digitally erased"
  
  

Let's get the damn thing started!

Welcome to the new season peeps. I'm glad you found our new address. I'm keeping things somewhat brief for the next week or two to allow time for the stragglers to get connected. One thing I must do is, focus on three stories and whatever else falls in between, so be it. Let's take a look at things the way I see it.

• Steve Irwin - Yeah, everyone was all broken up over The Crocodile Hunter's grizzly death. I say, who gives a rat's ass? This kind of stupidity was done by a Mr. Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee movies. Anytime you poke a crocodile or venomous cobra, you deserve what's coming to you! Personally, I'd head for the hills. In Irwin's case, he thought it would be a "good idea" to hop in the water and pick up a stingray. Hey, I don't know what those goofs are thinking in Australia, but Mr. Irwin or his employers at Animal Planet and Discovery Channel should have given him the heads up that a stingray really doesn't like to be pulled out of the water and tickled!
• Daniel Smith - Dead at age 20 and son of Anna Nicole Smith. Initially the verdict was that the kid died of natural causes...not so say latest reports. According to his autopsy results, this guy was full of anti-depressants (get ready...it's coming). You see, Anna already went so far as to sleep with the kid and give him pointers. Good for him. She's crazy as a loon however, since losing the weight...well, anyway...Anna should take the heat for her son's death. Afterall, living his life in her house, you would think that he would have learned not to mix Xanax and speed. Too late now. There's no room for error here. By the way, Trimspa and painkillers are a good Friday cocktail! Young, old, or middle aged...get in touch with Anna if you want to die!
• ????????? - What do we call a guy who changes names more than I change underwear? For practical purposes, I will refer to "P. Diddy" by his real name which is Sean Combs. OK, here's the deal: Combs is on the verge of a lawsuit from a place in the U.K. for releasing his upcoming CD next month under the moniker, "Diddy". Visit MySpace.com to read his crap and how he's going to take on all of the U.K. for suggesting he violated copyright laws. Mr. smart ass Combs thinks he's hot shit, eh? Since he's following in the footsteps of Prince with changing names, all I can do is wish him the same luck as the man in purple. Which by the way, how many years has it been since you've heard a new song from Prince on the radio and actually remembered it? 'Nuff said. Visit Diddy's page on MySpace and suggest a new name for the guy. I've already picked "Squiddly Diddy" for the guy. Until later, ADIOS!