"While You Were Away..."

So, you didn't have time to catch the news the past week? Sure. It was Christmas and perhaps, a time for peace and quiet however, the news marched on and here's a few things you may have missed.

• Purrrrrfect Ironic ending - Comic book nerds and fans of campy nostolgia were left speechless on Christmas Day as the lady who portrayed Catwoman in the 1960's serial Batman passed away. She was in her 80's. Her death was somewhat ironic considering her other claim to fame was her rendition of, "Santa Baby" which was a top ten single in the 60's. Perhaps the Good Lord above chuckled to himself when choosing Christmas as a time to call her back home?! In any case, because of it being a rather slow week in the Entertainment Biz, another bit of irony surfaced in recent days when news tickers printed the same obituary on a daily basis as recently as today. That brings the total "deaths" of Eartha Kitt to five. Indeed, if the cliche is really true, this cat lady DOES have nine lives... which of course means, four more obits to go! Irony #3? Nope. This is kinda pushing a conspiracy theory not yet looked into. Though it is odd and almost exactly a year past his death, Heath Ledger and Eartha Kitt never crossed paths.
• If you hold his ear up close next to yours, you can hear the Pacific Ocean! Just don't take his picture, PLEASE! Although not yet officially, he's been our President since November. Borack Obama. He's held daily Press Conferences, selected a whole list of his favorites to fill the Democratic Party's empty shoes. All this while George W. Bush is still kinda technically our President although missing as of late. While Obama finishes his walk on the sandy beaches of Hawaii before being sworn in as Commander-in-Chief, publications such as Time Magazine are already pointing out Obama's biggest beef: Being followed by camera crews. A recent article discussed his being annoyed by "gawkers" preying on him and his family and same magazine showed a timeline of how the job ages a person at the end of his term. According to this photo at left, Obama will resemble Morgan Freeman almost as he appeared as President in Deep Impact. Hey, Obama's already aging rapidly due to Paparazzi? This photo may be somewhat conservative. Four years from now, he may look like Grady Wilson.
• From the "Gee, maybe I should've said something sooner" files... There's nothing funny about the L.A. fella who dressed up in a Santa suit and went berzerk on his ex wife and family on Christmas Eve. It was a tragic story that ended with his own suicide. As is often the case in tragedies such as this, days later people/witnesses/those who seek attention start speaking to reporters to spin their own stories on events leading up to what happened. A woman (who chose not to be identified for fear of God knows what) had a chat with the tabloid talk outlet known as, Inside Edition. It was this lady who makes a living as a seamstress, that said she felt something suspicious about the guy who came into her shop last month to get custom fitted for a Santa Suit and stressed that she make it "XXL with plenty of deep pockets on the inside". Of course, we know what happened next. Hours later, same woman appeared on CNN telling the same story. Thanks for nothing lady! It's too late for "would've, should've, could'ves". I'm sure the survivors are grateful for your suspicions about the bad Santa. It's a shame you didn't talk BEFORE the events took place!
• "A beautiful breeze in Greece" or in this case, "GREASE". Now your Pops/husband/boyfriend/significant other with bad taste can have the smell to go with it as Burger King rolled out it's latest menu item in the form of "Le toilet water". It's true. You or someone special can stink like the creepy pedophile King mascot who's always on the run from something or someone in commercials. Let's face it, you can smell like his meat... the meat that BK is so famous for "flame broiling" (although it's been decades since I actually spotted an actual fire going in the joint). Initially, the small bottle was to be sold via their website however, a few select stores sell the $7.99 bottle of BK right off the menu. Described as a cross between "Old Spice" and "fresh cut pine trees", this is the perfect follow up to last years "Play-Doh" cologne (which yes, actually existed). Save the eight bucks, wait for a warm day and throw Grandpa's Fruit of the Looms on the Bar-B in between the corn-on-the-cob and Oscar Mayer weiners and you get the same thing.
  
  

"How the Grinch Stole Walmart" and "Singin' the Airport Blues"

"...And along came a mighty wind that
blew in the nastiest blizzard these parts had ever seen. A steady cascade of Walmart gift cards fell at the feet of local townspeople as a Christmas gift from the heavens above...and then the guy behind the faux "snow machine" was arrested by the cops!" That's how it went down at a Philly area Walmart this past weekend when a "Secret Santa" was arrested for disrupting the steady flow of Christmas shoppers filing in for last minute purchases. The generous guy who seemingly defied the odds as being the only person in a billion to actually make money on Wall Street this year, had decided to spread his wealth with the locals. In doing what he thought was a good deed, he legally purchased the entire inventory of Walmart gift cards a day earlier and had them activated each for $20. He would return the next day and stand at the store's main entrance as a "gift" to shoppers. A true testament of holiday cheer that was perfectly legal. In an ironic twist, Walmart management called the cops to have the man removed from the property (even though by the time word spread and police arrived, store traffic had doubled) because he was disrupting business by handing out their own cards! It didn't make sense to anyone involved either. After consideration, Walmart dropped the charges however, asked the guy to hand out the gift cards so long as he did it off their property, go figure.


If you're like me and get rattled just stepping foot into an airport in this post 9/11 era of travel and get stuck in security lines forced to take your shoes and socks off and get the once over with electronic hand held devices held inches away from your private parts, the last thing you want to have to deal with are panhandlers tugging at your heartstrings by playing Christmas songs on their saxaphones for your loose pocket change. The struggling airlines used to hire people to entertain the long lines and people stuck for hours on end due to bad weather conditions. Like everything else they once gave us as gratis, they have cut the paid holiday entertainment and passed the torch to traveller himself. Many airline terminals are simply placing microphones in the waiting area and encouraging people to entertain one another with their gift of karaoke. I thought this import from China was only a fad confined to hole in the wall bars and taverns. No thanks to some major software companies and video games such as "Rock Star" and others, Karaoke is enjoying it's second life. The whole idea of an airport is to get someone from point "A" to point "B". If you're looking for a Las Vegas style show, see it in Vegas. If you want to make an ass of yourself by pretending you know the words to an old Journey song from the 1980's and sing off key, you can even do it in the privacy of your own home while pretending to be Eddie Van Halen with a fake guitar too. An airport is one of those places I simply choose to pass through. I make it a point to walk through the front door, find where my flight boards, and stare at my watch until takeoff. Karaoke is a bad thing, ESPECIALLY in a place as confined as an airport. The last time I flew Southwest Airlines out of Chicago Midway and first encountered a trio of Peter, Paul and Mary wannabees, I returned to the ticket agent to inquire how much it would cost for a one way ticket from Midway Airport to the bottom of Lake Michigan. Enough said. Ho! Ho! Ho!

VH-1 Presents...

Phillip The Pickled Christmas Pig
With Special Guest: Dr. Drew Pinsky




“I found myself in the State of California lying flat on the steps of a medical building as a creaking door opened just above my fractured skull. “Hello old chum” the man at the door greeted me. “I see you’ve made it. My name is Dr. Drew Pinsky and I want to help you!” “He lifted me up and brushed me off as he inquired, “Now what’s this business about an apple and pineapple trying to get you?!” I started to respond however, was quickly cut off by the Doctor… “Wait!” he screamed. “Don’t say a word until you sign these release forms. The first one is to allow your footage to air on the MTV/Viacom Networks and the second one, that one takes all the liability off me personally and professionally should something go wrong.” I took hold of the paperwork and signed away not knowing what I may be getting myself into. "

I walked down a hallway and what did I see?
A room full of addicts and Gary Busey.
“I’m not a patient here but can I get you a drink?”
Dr. Drew rolled his eyes and said “that’s what you think!”

“There’s no drinking or drugging, you must follow the rules…”
then I felt someone’s cane poke and prod at my jewels...
It was Jeff Conway from Taxi, his voice gave me chills,
as he cursed me and swore I had taken his pills.
“My meds are all hidden and I want to go home!”
Then rolled away yelling “Please leave me alone!”

I thought I saw Tawny Kittaen sitting there from afar
She once rolled half naked on the hood of a car!
“It was Whitesnake!” I said and she turned with a glee
“David Coverdale’s an ass” and one guy agreed.
It was the booted out drummer from the band Guns and Roses
Whose millions of dollars were snorted up noses.

He stood up and staggered and pointed at me,
“F### Axl Rose and his Chinese Democracy”
Everyone was so angry and bitter to end,
Then it suddenly hit me, I’m rhyming again!

Drew gave me a slap and yelled “wake up you swine!”
“Doc, I don’t have a problem, it was only bad wine”
I had learned my lesson and ran towards the gate

When I woke up again I was on someone’s plate.
I was sprinkled with spices and someone yelled “BAM” It was Emeril Lagassee and I was his ham.
I looked to my left and then to my right
It was the apple and pineapple telling me “Bon Appettite”

The Moral of the story: Too much of a good thing isn’t always a good thing. Take life in moderation and have a safe holiday.

Gary Busey’s final thought: “What the F@&k was this crap??!!

"Daer So and So..."

Today's Post is brought to you by Ocean Spray's Craisins and with the support of PBS viewers like you, who make such programs as America's Test Kitchen..

Meet Chris Kimbell... He's the host of the PBS weekend cooking program known as America's Test Kitchen. Among other things, Chef Kimbell and his staff like to compare brand names of corn muffin mix, kitchen gadgets and the many ways American's put their own spin on traditional dishes varying on their geographic location. They also welcome their viwers to write in with questions. In that particular segment, Chris puts on a blindfold and eats a pieve of Sara Lee cheesecake, a cheesecake purchased from the corner bakery, and a cheesecake made from scratch. Give him a minute and by golly, he'll tell you which one is which nefore ripping off his blindfold! Oooh, he's THAT good! He tells the audience not to be intimidated by making these things on your own. That's where I come in. Kimbell and his television staff are from the Boston area and seem well educated and classically trained in their culinary skills so why pray tell, would they take my stupid letter so seriously as to write back? Well, they did...

Approximately a week or so later, I received two responses: One by email and the other by "snail mail"...

"Dear America's Test Kitchen viewer:

We appreciate your taking the time to write us about the show and would be happy to assist in your request for help in preparing cranverry sauce. While it is possible to re-hydrate dried fruit for baking purposes, it is not advised to attempt soaking Ocean Spray Craisins for the purposes of making cranberry sauce. In fact, the attempt to accomplish this task is very time consuming and just isn't worth it. The ATK staff reccomends preparing the fresh variety of cranberries found in your grocer's produce aisle. The instructions for preparation are usually found near the nutritional information label on the package. We recommend you use this method as an easier alternative to what you have suggested in addition, your guests will appreciate the dish more due to it's freshness. Besides, it adds a personal touch to the holidays. Again, thank you for watching America's Test Kitchen!

Chris Kimbell

America's Test Kitchen

Perhaps a "no brainer" but never the less, I did manage to receive several manufacturer's coupons for a variety of Ocean Spray products which is good for the kidneys. Speaking of which, I gotta pee.

"Foot Fetishes" and "Barney says Goodbye"

"From Babyface to Heel in eight short years" OR, "Bush proves he's got a sole". In his final weeks as President, George W. has proven that he's still got face value somewhere in the world with a surprise visit to the "war torn" Iraq. Despite calling the conflict in Iraq a success, as the troops in attendance took their cell phone shots and gave the President several rounds of applause, an Iraqi reporter slipped off his shoes and hurled each one at Bush along with an accompanying remark. "This first one", the journalist said "is for the women and children that were killed without reason". Needless to say, the first shoe whizzed past Bush's ear as he ducked out of the way. "The next shoe" the man yelled, "is from me and my family for all the pain and suffering you caused us!" The second shoe came a bit closer however, still didn't quite hit the target. Afterwards, President Bush joked that the shoes were 10 1/2. The reporter was quickly subdued by others in the room as he continued his random rants. Despite the fact that the man was able to speak his mind, he may end up in an Iraqi prison for as many as three years. That's what an American occuppied Iraq is all about...the experience of being able to speak your mind! Had Saddam Hussein srill been running the show, the journalist's head likely would have been chopped off! It seems as though the war in Iraq has spawned a sudden interest in vrazy American fetishes most notably, feet. Iraqi men love feet and love shoes. The more stinky and dirty the better. Time Magazine in fact, predicts a large influx of Iraqi foot doctors entering the United States before 2010. President Bush? He's keeping the pair of Fayvas as a momento sans the Odor Eaters! By the way, in Bush's case, the "shoe throwing incident" was meant as an insult, or the equivelent of flipping the bird! Bush laughed off the incident.

America's First Canine, Barney (the dog) Bush, held his first and only Press Conference of the Bush Administration as he answered questions and bid a tearful goodbye to his many YouTube fans who have enjoyed his Christmas shennanigans throughout the years. When asked by an ABC reporter about the possibility of future pets in the White House, Barney gave a bit of advice to the Obama girls: "Kids, nix the idea of a dog or cat...get a goldfish. It's pretty damn near impossible to strap a webcam onto the back of a fish!" He ended his session by saying he can't wait to hump the legs of the Bush's nack in Texaas without lights anc cameras around. He also joked that the Obama's should feel free to send him their scraps from KFC and gave hints to a present he left in the bed of Lincoln's Bedroom which is often used as a guest room. "I'm hoping Oprah will be the first overnight visitor!" ...And then he was gone. We'll miss you Barney!

"Blogging about Blagojevich Bonanza!"

They call him, "Blah-Goy-Oh-Vich". He was damn proud to be Governor of Illinois and by golly, he still is! Nevermind the fact that being leader of "The Land of Lincoln" has always been notorious for corruption, lies, cheating and stealing... Nevermind the fact that those before him have gone from three piece suits to black and white stripes and pounding out metal vanity license plates, this time was going to be different, It was. All previous Governors before "Blago" had only ended up in the slammer for crooked politics before or after their role as Governor. "Blago" just added a new dimensio to how we define a person's character by breaking the law while still in office! It goes back to the day when the cordless phone went on the market. The nice salesman at Radio Shack warned me, "Be careful what you say on the telephone...someone might be listening". A lesson that has stuck with me to this day. Unfortunately, the soon-to-be jailbird found himself at the receiving end of what he thought to be a birthday hoax by "Punk'd" however, no Ashton Kutchner and no MTV. On Monday morning "Blago" answered the door in his pajamas only to find the FBI on his front stoop with arrest warrant in hand.

• The world's most expensive chair. You won't see this chair on PBS' "Antique Roadshow". "eBay", or for sale in "The Penny Saver". NO. It's not actually a chair like you see in the photo however, it's called a "seat". A "Senate Seat" to be exact. The last person to rest his cheeks on the seat was Sen. Borack Obama. If the rules to refill this vacancy were followed in accordance with the law, "Blago" would have awarded this spot to the candidate most worthy however, in an opportunity to make some quick cash, the seat would be discovered to come with a few stipulations including a pair of slacks with pockets that stretch to the ankle. The lucky candidate would have the responsibility of representing Illinois in Washington as well as putting groceries on "Blago's" table. While the Feds were listening in on the phone, he and his wife continued with their reckless behavior, salty language, and trying to oust the editorial staff of the Chicago Tribune using the sale of the Chicago Cubs as a pawn in the game. As of tonight, "Blago" is still in office however, the walls are closing in. He's yet to speak to the citizens of the state of Illinois
• The Numbers Game - Earlier this week, a shocked soon-to-be President Obama addressed the issue of the Governor in one of his daily press conferences. While not going into too much detail, Obama mentioned that he himself was involved in one of "Blago's" profanity laced rants caught on tape. Up until this week, the 1990's Robert DeNiro flick, "Casino" was listed in the Guiness Book as the only film to cram an average of 110 "f-Bombs" a minute in it's total running time of 132 minutes. In comparison, the "Blago" tapes contained as many "F-Bombs" within the realm of 8 minutes or, nearly 12 times as many "F-Bombs" contained within the debut recording of The Jerky Boys prank phone calls from 1995. That's a number that would even make a person like Tony Soprano cringe and feel ashamed of! Good for you, "BLAGO"!
• When "Blago" is ready to speak. I'll be there to ask the questions others are afraid to ask. I've been brushing up on my reporting skills this week. I'm no Geraldo Rivera by any means however, I'll pull out my faux "Press Pass" and show up in Chicago at the State of Illinois building ready to fire away. Here's some examples of what I will ask the fallen Governor:

1) When you get to jail, are they going to allow that cat you have on your head?

2) I'd go with the orange jumpsuit. The horizontal stripes make you look fat.

3) What will the new State slogan be? How anout, "The Black Eye State" or "The Land of Lyin', Cheatin' and Stealin'?"

4) Do you and your wife kiss your daughters goodnight with those dirty mouths?

5) You mean that you never got the postcard in the mail from AT&T about possible security issues with the phone lines in your neighborhood?

Let's face it, Santa Claus will still come around even in prison. A letter will be placed in the Governor's stocking that says, "Dear Rodney... I'm not gonna bother to even stick coal in your sock this year, hell, I'm given you the deed to the whole F***in' coalmine! Ho! Ho! Ho! You JACKASS!"

"Yacketty Yack...Don't talk back!"

As the end of the year approaches quickly and my "Writers Strike" has tentatively come to an agreement, it's time to look back to weeks past and vidit some of the top stories that were missed. The first thing on the agenda for this post is a focus on the people who normally report the gossip and have since become the subject of gossip themselves! Here it a recap of "Talk Show Moments You May Have Missed"

• Jay Leno gets his own "last laugh" - It's true. When Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show in 1991, NBC Execs made it clear that his replacing Johnny Carson wouldn't be a permanent thing although, in the end it seems that way. Conan O' Brien was guaranteed the spot after Leno retired. That time has come however, Leno was given an extension on his contract which will keep him at the Peacock Network for a long time to come. Not to worry though, Conan still gets the gig come May and Leno? He gets a newly created talk show that will air nightly, be named something else, but will be of the same format as the Tonight Show. What do we get? TWO Tonight Shows. Quite frankly, one is more than enough. I say, put Leno on at 3:00 in the afternoon where the majority of his audience is still awake. Who ever said Leno was funny in the first place?
• Oprah gets a guest spot on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Ty Pennington and Co. can swing around hammers like crazy and shoot nail guns quicker than Clint Eastwood an high noon. Can Oprah get fixed? Oprah went on television to admit she's losing the battle with her weight. She's tipping the scales at over 200 lbs again! She's fat and depressed and addicted to food...AGAIN. She also said she will relocate her talk show to Washington D.C. for next season. Oprah has no willpower when it comes to dining out in Chicago and pins the blame on such things as deep dish pizza, Italian beef, and Eli's Cheescake. Things ought to better for her in D.C. as she'll be dining with her good pals the Obama's frequently. Not only does the President have the power to have all three of these things delivered to Washington as he enjoys them himself but, the Top Chef at the White House has a special knack for whipping up chicken fried steak, mac and cheese, and sweet potato pie! If Stedman isn't out of the picture completely yet, he will be now.
• A Few of Their Favorite Things: It was like a scene straight out of a UAW meeting announcing plant closings when the hype over Oprah's annual "Favorite Things" show fizzled. An angry mob of women who slept on the cold cement for a few days hoping to fill their cars with Oprah's lavish giveaways were left speechless when Oprah told her audience that the current state of the economy didn't leave her feeling comfortable with showering them with expensive Christmas gifts. "instead" she said, I'm giving a gift that comes straight from my heart to yours...a gift that keeps on giving. A good book!" The gasped as she continued, "It doesn't even have to be brand new. A used book is just as good and more personal!" The women removed their ripped, torn, and moldy reading material from under their chairs and went home angry. Oprah was a cheapskate! However, down the dial on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Ellen put one over on Oprah by giving away HDTV's, video cameras, and the impossible hard to find Nintendo Wii to everyone in her audience for an ENTIRE WEEK! Oprah is a Democrat and Ellen is a lesbian.
• Rosie is THE MAN! A good debate about "Proposition 8", Donald Trump, and the cast of The View wouldn't be complete without the input of Rosie O' Donnell. For a while there, Rosie had the world by the balls however, her hate for the male species and sharp tongue has now derailed any future prospects of...well, a future. Around Thanksgiving, Rosie announced a big return to television with a new variety show. She said it would be different but, I guess,she hadn't ever heard of The Smothers Brothers, Dean Martin, Flip Wilson, Donny and Marie, and Carol Burnett. Her show struggled through it's first hour and then that was it...Kaputz. Instead of taking the defeat like a man, Rosie decided to rattle the the bones of former friend turned nemesis, Barbara Walters for the 60 minute disaster. Rosie immediately took all of her negative remarks, vulgarity and slander to her website to tell the world that Barbara Walters signed her death certificate. Rosie can sometimes act so GAY. Err, wait a minute. Sorry.

• The SNL/Weekend Update story that never made it to television last week: All was good during the rehearsals until NBC's Standards and Practices "red flagged" the fianl Weekend Update story...

Seth Meyers: "Finally tonight, the grounds crew at the White House are busy putting the finishing touches on the 2008 holiday decorations and trying to make a smooth transition for the arrival of President Elect Obama. For the first time ever, an African American version of the traditional nativity scene will be placed out front to greet visitors. When asked why only the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus were present in the display, a White House spokesman was quick to point out that once St. Joseph and the Three Kings learned Mary was having a baby, all four men immediately left town."

Yeah, I guess that was "kinda" tacky!