"Dingbat squared, Poor House and 'Hey Bud, What's your problem'? "

Question: "No matter how many times I try to do it, I can't kill myself. What am I doing wrong?"

Answer: Read a past interview with "illusionist" David Blaine. He's got the same problem.

Ahh yesssss! Just when you thought David Blaine had done it all and was through cheating death, he comes up with another neat trick just to prove he still doesn't have any common sense. He's been shot at, frozen in ice, placed in a pool of angry sharks while holding his breath for three days, you name it. When we get to see all these illusions and how they always end, I'm at the point where I don't know if I should cheer for the guy or feel sorry for him. Are all these attempts simply "magic", or are they part of a long streak of "bad luck" for him personally? If anyone should know that there's more than one way to skin a cat, it ought to be Blaine. He proved all his skeptics wrong by his hanging upside down like a bat for a few days and then...surviving! Even the announcer on his Live ABC television special suggested Blaine is "Superhuman" and quite possibly "not of this earth". The announcer may be quite right afterall, any normal human being would have realized the movie "The Dark Knight" getting released on DVD at the end of October would have been the ultimate "tie-in" to his stunt. Maybe trying out Houdini's fatal "stomach punch" is somewhere in his future AFTER he can explain why he was unable to cut short President Bush's speech on the economy that delayed his show by nearly 20 minutes. Now, that would be magic!

Speaking of the economy, John McCain being the maverick that he is, is going to make things better for all of us... by putting his campaign on the back burner for a while. What's he gonna do to fix it? I dunno. It's like letting your 98 year old grandfather balance your checkbook. Chances are, things will get more screwed up than when you started. While McCain takes a brief time out to join Letterman and Leno on the couch, Obama intends to keep things moving forward. As a matter of fact, McCain may no longer be invited as Letterman's guest because Dave isn't buying into McCain's "genuine concern" for the economy and is writing it off as a cheap publicity stunt. On the other hand, Obama isn't willing to sit down with Bush or McCain to discuss things because he feels that considering he's not quite the President yet, why get bogged down with nonsense like this? As things get worse all around the world and even leaving Mr. Moneybags with empty pockets, who is the right guy for this job? Neither. That's why I suggest we all "write-in" David Blaine. Afterall, it's worth a shot and what else is there to lose?

Budweiser has gone from being "The King of Beers" to, "The King of Jeers" for their new product which is said to be targeting underage drinkers. The new brew is called "Spark" and Miller was right behind with their own version as an entry into alcohol/energy drinks. Just from the product description, you immediately see something terribly wrong. It's an enrgey dring which contains alcohol. So, which is it? Gatorade is an energy drink and Bud Light is alcohol. One makes you move quicker while the other slows you down. If you mix half of each one in a tall glass, wouldn't the end result be, besides nasty tasting, a beverage with no purpose? I may not be smarter than a 5th grader when it comes to mathmatics however, I do know that "energy" and "alcohol" cancel each other out when put together. That combination makes this beverage pointless AND yucky. Beer makers are calling this latest entry into the beverage market a trend. I agree. It's a trend in stupidity. This is one situation where I totally agree with the young kids out there arguing to lower the legal drinking age. Lower the darn thing to 18 otherwise there's gonna be lot's of these aluminum cans piling up in landfills and doing more damage to an already battered and bruised environment!

"Eddie writes a song,, The Woo Tang Klan, and a Nip in the Bud"

Today's post celebrates the 2008 National League Central Division Champion, Chicago Cubs. Surprising as it is, I couldn't be more proud of the boys from "The friendly confines". Not so much because they made it to this spot two years in a row, but because for the sake of Lou Pianella's heart as well as his sanity, they made it back again. "Uncle Lou" is like a jack-in-the-box on the last click. He just wants to get his team a World Series ring so he can wander off into the sunset to play shuffleboard in Palm Beach. Yeah right. Should the Cubs make it as far and perhaps win it all, Lou is going to stay a fixture at Wrigley field forever, like the old scoreboard. However, don't count your chickens before they hatch! There's still time for these beloved Cuns to realize the whole world is watching before they cave under pressure. What's happened in recent weeks has proven that this baseball team isn't just playing a game, but boosting the spirits of everyone expecting them to "finally do it" this time!

One of the things that always accompanies a title win of some kind in Chicago, is someone writing a song about the team in the spotlight. Over the years there have been many and most have been of the novelty variety either praising or mocking Chicago sports teams. This time around, it was none other than Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam who phoned in the Cubs front office all the way from Seattle to offer his contribution. Here's the thing... Now if you know Eddie's background, he, like many other famous folks like to admit they're from Chicago only when the city is in the news for something good. Remember about 1990 when America was introduced to the Seattle music genre of "grunge"? Eddie was careful to choose his words when speaking of his roots. Sure he was born here, and then he left. We wouldn't learn of his Chicago ties until years later when Pearl Jam lost their fan base and went Artsy with their music. Is Eddie proud to call Chicago home, or is this just an attempt to get back on the map and sell a 99 cent music download? I didn't hear anything about Eddie's new song until last week and then a day later, I heard the song played on the radio. I was told the song was a free download. Not so. It was only available on Pearl Jam's website. Once you were logged on, you have to become a member of their club (free) however, you need a screen name, password, etc... Fine. You then get redirected to another site where I was told this download would cost me a buck. Is it worthy? You be the judge. I have it but didn't pay a dime to anyone for it and that's the best way to get it. A story is attached to the download link which spins a story about how Ernie Banks helped Eddie write the song. Who's crappin' who? For one thing, Ernie isn't a songwriter and secondly, Eddie doesn't spend his free time watching superstation WGN and Cubs baseball. You want it? "All the Way" is at Pearljam.com

Another thing I have questions about is the relationship of the Cubs as it pertains to Ronnie "Woo Woo", Wrigley's number one cheerleader. As far as I know, Ronnie is a big financial mess and a vegabond who has no permanent place to call home. I've read in the past how the Cubs orginization has tried unsuccessfully to bar him from the front gate. I've also read that he's a big distraction to fans and players who have no choice to put up with his antics. Someone gave Ronnie access to his own website where he uses it to panhandle and beg for money. Most recently, Ronnie was in search of someone to donate a new set of choppers for his mouthful of missing teeth. While all this is going on, Ronnie is out doing "meet and greets" with fans, wearing an officially licensed MLB uniform, and signing photos and baseballs. All stuff direnctly linked to promoting the Cubs. He is to the Cubs what Ronald is to McDonald's. A goofy, silly, mascot. This past weekend a full page ad for Menard's Grand Opening was in the paper and promised a chance for everyone who attended to meet the famous guy. He was there not as Ronnie "Woo Woo" the home improvement guy, but as Ronnie the Cub. Despite all this, the Cubs front office is still willing to say that he's not am employee. I wonder if Ronnie is aware of that or not?!

Finally, the one thing that got the most hits on the Internet last week in relation to the Cubs wasn't their winning streak, or even any of the guys on the team. It was a billboard perched on a rooftop across from left field. Budweiser had been renting this roof for years now and some might say they were holding all the cards in the game. Well, a new proper

ty owner decided to give the big corporation a dose of it's own medicine and cry "foul" when the suits in St. Louis were late in sending in their payment. So, at the stroke of midnight one day last week when the check hadn't arrived yet, the owner took it upon himself to go to the roof and cover the sign himself until the money problem was resol

ved. Budweiser called the next day as soon as they learned about this and both gro

ups went to court to see who was in the right. While all this was going on, I was loving it! Finally, someone had the grapefruits to stand up to a big corporation over a matter of principle. Well, I was shocked when the judge ruled on behalf of Budweiser the following day citing the long business relationship the beer maker and the previous owner had as a reason to give them a grace period and remove the tarp. Later, I found out that this wasn't a property owner at all that was fighting over this instead, it was a large investment group made up of about 30 people in the real estate market. That only goes to show that Wrigley is just a pile of bricks and ivy and is about as friendly and neighborly as Yankee Stadium. We all know where that's headed.

Snake Eyes

Way back in the day, probably back in the early 1990's, was when I had an unexpected brief encounter with the man known as Jake "The Snake" Roberts. This was at the time when Hulk Hogan was ruling the world and Jake Roberts was already showing signs of slowing down. He had just been booted from the business by the man that made him a star, and was joining a new promotion in Atlanta called, "WCW". WWE's Vince McMahon was puzzled by Roberts' regular routine of phoning in "too sick to work" and Ted Turner luckily for Roberts' sake, was there to pick up the pieces. Jake was a headliner in the WWE, but found WCW would throw his name into obscurity.

I atteneded a wrestling event in Indiana one night and stayed behind hours later with a small group waiting by the back door to see the wrestlers headed to their cars. I was still big on Jake from seeing his matches on Saturday mornings years previous. He walked out the door that night a little uncertain as to where either he or his career, or both may be headed but he still found time to stop and sign autographs and pose for pictures. I knew the stuff was rehearsed but enjoyed it anyway. Besides, these guys were dedicated to their jobs and really did take a beating in the ring. Jake got through saying his "hellos" and cigarette in one hand, beer in the other, got into the backseat of a parked car and sped off. That was the first time and last time I met the guy however, I can't help but feel sorry for the guy as he is today, the butt of jokes and current star of YouTube and TMZ videos not for being a wrestling survivor from the 1980's, but as a disturbed drunk in the middle of a wrestling ring at some Memphis area high school. So the story goes.

Jake wasn't missing shows because of being too sick. He was missing them because he was too drunk, as simple as that. Fast forward ahead fifteen years to today and you'll see Jake at the end of his rope and maybe the end of his life. He's been getting followed by cameras just waiting for him to slip up and do something as stupid as he's been doing the last several weeks, and that's showing up to his very own wrestling events drunk. His manager who has acknowledged jake's drinking troubles of the past, is once again making excuses for his relapses and even suggests that some"sicko's" are slipping pills into his "One bedtime drink". Have you seen him lately? He's bloated with a big belly and still walking around with his trademark burlap bag that was the home of his boa constrictor, Damien. Only thing now is, a few weeks ago after passing out during a wrestling match and peeing himself causing the ref to call the match, organizers who gathered Jake's belongings were stunned when the bag he was hanging on to was rattling however, there was no snake inside, just about 100 little bottles of liquor that you normally find on an airplane. Jake was up to his old tricks again. When he discovered he was captured on tape that evening before falling asleep, he argued with others about what he was seeing himself do in the ring. Staggering, slurring, shouting obscenities and yelling at the crowd. He insisted that wasn't him and he was never there. Perhaps a camera trick? Nope. It was a blackout. After sweating it out the next morning, Jake still didn't remember what happened and wasn't going to apologize either. For What? After all, in the 2000 documentary Beyond The Mat , Jake was drunk through his whole segment and was in the process of reconciling with his grown daughter who cut him off from her life. She didn't buy his story either. This all leads up to why his name is coming up again. It's a film just completed called, The Wrestler. It stars Mickey Rourke in the title spot and has strong similarities to Robert's own life which he currently is shrugging off. When the movie opens in theaters at Christmas, let's see how Jake will feel about it then. In the meantime, he's not sorry for anything he's said or done and doesn't need help either, and that's too bad!

"Cry me a river, why don' chya?"

The Book: STEALING FROM UNCLE SAM FOR DUMMIES!


Publisher: SlipperyRock Publishing copyright 2008 (November 08 release)


Available: pre order at Amazon.com and Borders. MSRP $10.95 US


About the Authors: Consumer advocate, Matthew Lesko and The Squealing Pig Worldwide! have combined forces to offer tips and tricks in ways to stick it to American taxpayers and sending the amount due to Washington, D.C.



Readers: The following is a portion of Chapter 7 titled: "Cry me a river"

One of the most common tricks within the past decade or so, is to "Think Large" when it comes to making a large purchase. Homes, cars and credit all go together to give you "buying power" without any roadblocks. Don't be frazzled by the recent events on Wall Street. The one time big investment firms as well as Savings and Loans, Banks, Mortgage Companies, etc are doing a good job fooling all of us with their desperate cries for financial help and Uncle Sam has always been on call to help clean up the mess and bail them out. Now don't feel sorry for any of these institutions! While the government is trying to make things easier by allowing takeovers and mergers to take place, YOU are the victim! As a matter of fact, all these places that are now crying "uncle" are getting the last laugh on you because they set you up for failure in the first place by allowing you to spend well over a reasonable limit. Do you think CEO's and CFO'sare losing sleep worried about your house going into foreclosure or your car getting reposessed? Heck no. This is why you need to plan ahead of time and arrange your life into a "business". One of the most imporpant tidbits in setting up shop is:Location, Location, Location! We can't emphesize this enough. So what if the real estate market is on shaky ground? So what if you have your eyes on a piece of property that you know goes well beyond your means? Lenders will be pleased as punch to write you a big, fat check, and it all depends on where you're willing to call "home".

• Tip #1 -"If you build it, they will come" - Think about the beach, the sand, the water, the beautiful landscape. Contractors love the warm climate and that's why they build large homes near the water. They sell! You can't afford a home next to the sea? Nonsense. America is a land of opportunity where anyone can get what they want with little or no effort. There's a loophole in the system that people use quite often when it comes to property loss, and that is claiming a disaster to be an "Act of Nature". No one can ever argue with you when a tornafo blows off your roof or a hurricane destroys the whole house. That's why the government stops by the neighborhoods most affected to declare them "Disaster Areas". You may think you're entitled to nothing more than a handshake however, the government expects these things to happen and that's why they have money put aside as "Federal Relief" to aid people struck by tragic events of nature. You can live in the home for however long you want. There's always a hurricane or tornado right around the corner. Never mind paying the mortgage and by all means, ignore all the harassing phone calls. They knew you couldn't afford to live there so you shouldn't have to pay a dime. When tragedy strikes and your check arrives in the mail, there are no restrictions as to what you do with the money. It's like having Uncle Sam doing all the messy cleanup for you! In fact, most homeowners don't know that Uncle Sam actually encourages everyone who lost their home to stay put and rebuild in the same exact spot! What a nifty idea! That is to say that you can rebuild, rebuild, and rebuild, over and over, and over again without ever having to reach for your checkbook Even something as devastating as a creek overflowing it's banks can allow you to "Keep up with the Joneses" by allowing you to keep the interior of your home to be current. Uncle Sam has money stashed away for rainy days like these so take advantage of him while he feels generous!

• Tip #2 - Research the facts and learn how Lender's like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac cried foul right before their collapase. The same principle can be applied to yourself. Don't believe the balleyhoo you may hear people like Billionaire Warren Buffet has to say about the National Deficit. Washington D.C. and those in it's "inner circle" like to use scare tactics like constantly pointing to all of us as the reason everything is as screwed up as it is. This is simply an effort to keep your hands from reaching into Uncle Sam's deep pockets. The truth is, even if the Federal Government is near broke, it's not our fault and we shouldn't be held accountable to fix it! If this country is in such economic and environmental distress as they suggest, it's the fault of previous generations who didn't have the kbowledge to see into the future. Everyone holds us accountable for where we are right now and it's not right to expect us to pick up the mess we "inherited". For instance, I don't buy into global warming as being our fault and I'm certainly not the one who's gonna fix it! Keep passing it down to generations yet to come and let them worry about it. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac fell apart not because of the economy but rather, laziness. They knew the in's and out's of the system and realized it's not worth the effort to bail themselves out of the financial wreck they were in so, Uncle Sam was there to help them out and save the day!

Hurricane Katrina taught all of us a lesson in how to make a natural disaster turn into a cash cow. There are BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars of money available. All you have to do is ask. You would think that Uncle Sam would suggest to those people that they should take their check and rebuild someplace else however, our government doesn't work like that. You know such a tragic event will happen again one day however, in the meantime, Louisiana is your home and how dare Uncle Sam evict you! You deserve to stay.

For the rest of the story, check out the book, available soon

**SPECIAL BULLETIN!!"

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN

FOX NEWSCHANNEL 3PM EST- FOX Brings you the news as it happens. FOX News Senior Correspondent Geraldo Rivera is reporterdly "doing well" as he recovers in a Galveston area hotel room following an injury during this afternoon's coverage of Hurricane Ike which tore it's path through the greater Texas area. While being showered with broken glass in 120 mph wind driven rain, Geraldo avoided serious injury several times as street signs, awnings, and chunks of asphalt came hurling at him. Geraldo's most serious injury was to his ego which was badly bruised because he eventually took the advice of FOX News Staffers and ran for cover in the middle of a live feed with some great camera shots to be had. Everyone was in agreement that Geraldo should stay in his room and ride the storm out to safety however, the trooper that he is, Geraldo promised to make up for this afternoon's weak reporting and surrender to the elements by going out tonight and working double duty in reporting the cleanup. He is expected to regain the full respect of his collegues. By the way, Geraldo's trademark mustache was ripped off his face just prior to ending his segment. City officials are monitoring the sewage treatment centers to avoid possible drainage problems.

Check out Geraldo's spill: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLZ7lK7-G_A

"Chump change, Harvey's Favorite Son and slinging mudd at The Pig"

You know that the outdoor concert season is winding down when the "Big Guns" come to town to play the hits in their backcatalogue. This weekend it's Eddie Ray Cyrus and his daughter playing live in Indiana. Oops, I meant to say, Eddie Money and his daughter Jessica. Oh well, same thing, What's so special about a guy who hasn't had a hit in some 15 years? He doesn't care. He's sold enough records in his day to fill two and a half hours worth however, it's not about him but rather, his daughter Jessica. Eddie is putting all his loose change on his kid's future just like Billy Ray Cyrus did. Only difference is, in this case Billy Ray need not worry. Jessica was part of an MTV reality show that featured siblings of famous people trying to hitch a ride on the success of a parent. The majority of the kids on the show would otherwise get laughed out of town if not for the set of circumstances presented to them. Take Kenny Loggins son for example. He's on the same show as Jessica and gets sick to his stomach if you compare him to his father but honestly, could the kid have made it on MTV by himself? At Money's concert this weekend, expect him to take a back seat while his daughter does her open audition before a Hoosier crowd who just want to hear "I think I'm in Love".

Now, here's something that needs to be addressed right away... It's a street running through a community South of Chicago in Harvey, IL. Harvey is your average "Suburbia" with more than it's fair share of carjackings, drugs, gangbangers, and repeat offenders that include everyone from rapists to public drunkeness. It may be on your map these days because it is often a launching pad for future stars of the NBA, NFL, and MLB. Before that, all that Harvey had to show for itself was a comedian by the name of Tom Dreesen. Not familiar with Dreesen's fame? He was the longtime opening act for Frank Sinatra and others in Vegas where he'd warm up the crowd with his corny jokes. You may still see him on television talking about the good old days with David Letterman and Jay Leno. He manages to always stick a zinger into his act that he was the only white kid in the neighnorhood growing up. A few years ago, Harvey gave Dreesen some kudos when they named a street after him. A really shitty street full of potholes and garbage thrown from moving cars. It's an important link to get to a hospital that I go to a few times a month so, you'd think someone would make sure the street is kept tidy. Not to mention, Dreesen's name is on the street sign so you'd think someone, somewhere would be interested to know the current condition it's in. Going to the hospital that way is a roll of the dice because you might make it, or you might not. A ride in an ambulance will leave you shaken and stirred like a martini! Several weeks ago, I couldn't believe that I was seeing an ambulance getting towed away from a pothole just blocks away from the front doors of the hospital. Once inside, I commented on what I saw and was amazed that most of the workers shrugged it off as if no big deal. Later that evening after seeing Mr. Dreesen appear on Jerry Lewis' telethon, I sent an e-mail to his manager in L.A. about the condition of his "right of way" and got a reply the next day that read, "Mr. Dreesen will not be responding to e-mails over the next few weeks as he is currently on tour promoting his new book. I will however, keep your letter on the side about the condition of his street and will pass it along to him when he gets back. He's good about following up his mail and often stays up all night to answer all mail personally. Thanks for writing." If Dreesen is so proud to include Harvey in his act, perhaps he won't mind putting on a hard hat and pouring hot tar into his potholes. I wait patiently

Finally, give pigs a break already! Borack Obama was said to have implied Sarah Palin is a "pig that wears lipstick". First of all, that quote was taken out of context as that isn't exactly what Obama said. Not a once did Palin's name ever come up during his remarks. It was a misquote. Now, even if a pig wears lipstick, so what? The Nation's farmers work hard all day just to make ends meet and they don't have the time to go out and meet a nice lady. It's been no secret that a lot of these guys enjoy dressing up farm animals real pretty for their own personal satisfaction. That's their business. One thing I would have to disagree with is Obama's explanation in clearing up the matter. He said that "putting lipstick on a pig" is a "common Illinois expression"... Really? Who says it? I never have! By now, you'd think everyone involved in the 2008 election would just learn to keep quiet.

"Women's sufferaging leads to men's suffering"

"Give a woman an inch, and she'll demand a mile. Give a woman the right to vote, and she'll use it for all the wrong reasons". Two very good points that validate why the female vote doesn't matter. All it does is upset the balance of an election and funnel interest towards a candidate that anyone with a partial brain would otherwise avoid on the streets. This is exactly what's going on today and it's all the fault of a female Governer of Alaska... Sarah Palin. Here's a woman that came out of the woodwork and changed the terrain of the playing field of a campaign that came close to being D.O.A. rolling off the momentum of the Democratic National Convention. Call McCain a "nit-wit" or whatever you want however, while he was taking off all those days in recent months to get "rest", he was secretly getting ready to shock the women of America with his big gun, Sarah Palin.

When Hillary Clinton finally threw in the towel and gave up, there was a brief period of an empty void where the women voters were without a candidate that reflected who they are. Let me tell you something here... The fact that McCain chose a woman to campaign alonside him is exactly what it is, a smokescreen to cover up the real issues going into 2009. Let's face it. The majority of women voters have no interest in politics. Ask them who's in charge of the U.S. and they shrug their shoulders. Along comes Palin with her Japanese made eyeglasses, designer cosmetics and clothing and shoes that came from Sax Fifth Avenue, and that's what women find most interesting. In just the few weeks that she's been in international news, 99% of women still can't name anything that she's done to change Alaska however, ask them where Sarah Palin bought her shoes on sale and they'll tell you. The day after her big speech at the Republican National Convention, phones at Pearle Vision stores across the country were getting swarmed with calls and inquiries about where to buy Sarah Palin's glasses. Again, ask the same women about Alaska's "bridge to nowhere" and you'll get a blank stare. That's exactly what McCain's camp was hoping for as birds of a feather more than often stick together. She hasn't done anything for anyone yet, managed to steal quite a bit of votes away from Obama leaving this race in a dead heat. She's already being called a "Hero" and already has her own action figure which looks like it was made from bits and pieces left over from "The Matrix" toys that didn't sell. Sarah Palin is wearing a skirt and a dark trench coat. All that's missing is a machine gun in each hand and then she'd look like "Trinity". If she's to have any fun, you need to team her up with G.I. Joe because there is no McCain or Obama toys on the market. A partnership with Joe wouldn't last anyway. He's a fighter like she is however, he just wants a pretty woman to make him a hot meal. Sarah wouldn't do that for him.

It's a shame that women worked so hard for a long time to get the right to vote and waste that vote at the beginning of the 1920's when the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was written. The women back then actually did give a damn and their fight held good cause. That was before anyone had a clue as to what "Victoria's Secret" would be in the future. In a simpler time like back then, "Victoria's Secret" was the town tramp who would get stoned to death in the town square once the community found out she was an adultress! Looking back on history, if those women had any idea whatwas coming down the pike almost 100 years later and how their vote might matter but, not be taken seriously, they'd have given up. That's what should happen in 2008... A ratification of the 19th Amendment that states "Givw women the right to vote, but only if they know what the hell is they're voting about"! Case closed!

"The Pork Chop of The Month"

Readers: Today is the day that I introduce to you, "The Pork Chop of The Month". Each month I'll be privelaged to choose a person who best fits the description of a jackass. If you think you may have a nominee for next time, I encourage you to drop an e-mail with your pick!

"He gets screwed with a little help from his friends" ...and still hasn't learned his lesson! The first person to graciously accept the honor of "The Pork Chop of The Month" is: Sir Paul McCartney. You may think this as an unusual choice considering Paul hasn't been in the spotlight lately. True however, Paul is definitely proof positive that "nice guys finish last" almost all of the time. He's got a lot of history attached to his name and I for one, will not blemish his reputation and contribution to "Rock and Roll"... but in his personal life post-Beatles, McCartney has made poor choices and unfortunately for him, bad luck has landed in his lap for almost the past 20 years plus. Now, it's a shame that he's no longer on the list of the world's biggest bank accounts but, let's face it, he took HIMSELF off the list so, the only thing he can blame besides that is his generosity. When The Beatles sang their last songs on the famous rooftop (years later re-enacted by U2 in "Where The Streets Have No Name) in 1970, Paul wasn't too worried. He had the world by the grapefruits, was happily married to Linda and started dabbling with a new group he founded called, "Wings". That rooftop symbolized The Beatles career by suggesting they were calling it quits on a high note, while right on top. Paul enjoyed quite a long stay high up in the clouds through most of the 70's and early 1980's. That's when wife Linda died of cancer and not to mention, "Wings" parted ways, and lifelong friend John Lennon was killed. His first mistake was using Michael Jackson's hot streak of 1984 as a launching pad to return to the spotlight. After collarborating with Jackson and later Stevie Wonder, we saw the Paul who was transforming into a mellow chap all neat and clean and starting fresh. Michael Jackson took advantage of Paul's generosity when he suggested that Paul sell him his half of The Beatles song library. While the other half belonged to Yoko Ono, she was still outraged and feared that this would be opening a "Pandora's Box" of songs used for commercial purposes...something that John Lennon would have objected to in that day anyway. Eventually, advertising agencies were pounding down his door to buy the rights to songs to use in their ads and Yoko took the both men to court. While this dragged on for years before Paul took a big financial hit, it was temporarily moved aside long enough for him to earn the honor of becoming a British Knight, an honor that only the best of the best can claim. None of these ups and downs where anywhere close to what was coming next: Heather Mills.

Paul should've known better than to fall victim to the scam that the young blonde was about to pull on him from the moment she said told him she had no idea who, or what The Beatles were. "Is that some sort of a band or something?" she asked. He fell hook, line, and sinker for her dumb blonde personna and ironically, the tabloids gave Sir Paul a break during their relationship by leaving them alone. In fact, everyone was in agreement that after all that the man went through, nobody deserved a woman like her more than him. Wasn't it a surprise then when out of the blue this fairy tale romance went down in flames?! It seems that while Paul was away making records and playing Beatles tunes with orchestras around the globe, Mills was investigating Paul's net worth. Well, you know the rest... Heather's artificial leg during the divorce trial became more popular than Paul and is now worth more than him. Poor Paul it seems, welcomes everyone into his life as a dear friend so they can stick it to him in the end! Heather Mills who was in her late 20's at the time not knowing The Beatles is unbelievable. No, it's downright absurd!

This all leads up to why Paul was chosen. He's taken a direct hit to his riches at least three big times that have gone public. You think he'd choose his friends more wisely now, right? Nope. Comes word today that Paul, who has one foot in the poorhouse and the other in the grave, has put all the bad behind him and is charging ahead with a new lady at his side and there's rumors already that the two are getting married! I guess he'll never learn! Meanwhile, I keep searching for Paul online in hopes he's add me to his "Buddy List". I've got a stack of bills a mile high and they're not going away!

"Alzheimer's and MTV, cold pizza, and the election postponed?"

MTV has Alzheimer's. It's true. At only 25 years old, the once 24 hour video music channel is having a memory lapse when it comes to the Britney Spears fiasco of last year. This was when Britney appeared on live television at the 2007 VMA's in a stupor which shocked fans and MTV Execs alike. As she stumbled across the stage forgetting the lyrics to her songs, everyone ended up grabbing their heads. Britney had a meltdown on MTV and as a result, MTV punished her by saying she was no onger allowed at the event. What happened? In today's newspaper Ms. Spears is seen at last nights awards accepting armfuls of trophies under a headline that reads, "Britney cleans up at MTV!" And it was obvious that the events of last year seem to have been forgotten that quickly. First of all, what business does MTV have hosting a video award show anyway? The cable network hasn't played a music video since sometime around 1990. The only place to see any of these videos nowadays is on YouTube and Britney? That's another story in itself. I was totally unaware that in between all of her ups and downs over the last year she managed to somehow squeeze a new CD in. I don't know how she did it with such a full plate. Between going cuckoo a few times, fighting in court over her kids, and numerous auto accidents, being the "Super Trooper" that she is, she made MTV beg to take her back and they did. Besides, who else was available? The music industry is in dire need of help so, maybe Britney was the one doing MTV the favor instead of the other way around! See, even MTV forgives and forgets!

A parked semi trailer full of pizza bread that nobody will notice... or so you may think! Give it up for a truck driver from Gary, Indiana who took on the tough task of a long distance haul from ConAgra Foods in Chicago. It really wasn't that difficult to start. Just a semi trailer of Stouffer's frozen pizza bread to ship from Chicago to Utah however, a monkey wrench got thrown in right away when the refrigeration unit onboard broke down before the trip began. Afraid to back out of his travel plans, he called his boss to report the contents of the truck stolen and the insurance company put a value of $45K on the cargo. Not sure what to do next, the trucker parks his rig and attempted to turn lemons into lemonade by selling the frozen snacks off the back of the truck. In the end, one person was the most excited of all the customers and yes, it was a cop. Sometimes you really are in better shape if you call Domino's!

The 2008 election got stopped dead in it's tracks before many people voted and so far, not one candidate has been picked as a winner. Don't worry, this isn't the "Big One" with Obama and McCain that's a mess *although, that is too), this is the great promotional gimmick thought up by Pepsi's Mountain Dew brand to increase voter awareness for a new flavor of soda pop. It seems as though all the fizzle ran out before the results came in. Three new flavors of Mountain Dew were introduced in late Spring which also came in colors of red, white, and blue. The idea was, you purchase these for a limited time and then call them or visit their website to vote on which one should stick around for a while. As is often the case with new products, the interest in such a thing wasn't exactly on the mind of consumers. Apparently, the race is still on however, I'm not sure. Mountain Dew is what it is and that's that although, I must admit I like the blue raspberry flavor quite a bit. I hope it stays, but I doubt it. Every so often soda pop manufacturers feel the need to tweak one of their best sellers by adding something to the flavor or putting it in a collectable can or bottle. The last time this happened with Mountain Dew was almost exactly two years ago when the limited edition "Pitch Black" soda was introduced to store shelves in time for Halloween. I purchased a twelve pack and wasn't too impressed. For one thing, it wasn't really black but instead, was dark blue. I didn't know what it tasted like or what it should taste like, which is probably why this new annual tradition only came around once. All that remained after it baecame extinct was a bunch of Bloggers like me who wrote about what was left behind in the toilet... blue poop. For this ad campaign a lucky name was to be drawn to win tickets to meet Dale Earnhardt Jr. at a NASCAR event. Maybe it's his questionable racing season or the soda itself that kept people from casting their ballot, or maybe just like with Obama and McCain, it doesn't matter who you vote for because your pick will never end up winning anyway!

"Collectables that reserve you a spot in Hell"

This week marks the 7th Anniversary of the terrorist attack on The United States. While it will always be a day that is fresh in the memory of all Americans, there are already a number of people willing to cash in on the disaster. Although some comedians and filmakers have no problem making 9/11 humor possible these days, there really isn't anything funny about it, What's more, what do you call the people who search some of these odds and ends out in catalogs and on the Internet? A "History Buff" or a "Sick Son of a Bitch"? I'm writing about this because it's a rather peculiar hobby to collect these "knick-knacks" but these are products that were (thank goodness) pulled off of shelves however, a few items are still available today. I'm not by any means promoting the sale of any of these things and as a matter of fact, am not even telling you where you can find them because they are just THAT bad in taste!

• The World Trade Center Anniversary candle - I couldn't believe what I was seeing here! A replica of the twin towers made from candle wax. This was created as part of a "thanks for donating" campaign used to raise money for the families of victims killed on September 11th. As every year passes, you are supposed to light the candle and take a moment of silence to remember those who died on that die. Like a birthday candle, a floor of the building is to be burned down every year until the end where inside there is a "surprise" bonus collectable to be found when the wax melts. The BBB had received lots of complaints almost immediately about the poor judgement of the manufacturer and it was pulled off shelves.
• The Aroma Therapy 9/11 Commemorative Candle - This was another item that sold new and had a very short retail life. Can you imagine this? A black candle with a photo on front of the towers on fire! This candle promises to fill the air with "The aroma of the smoke from the fires...on that fateful day". Whoever bought one of these things during their time on sale must also enjoy killing of small animals too! If there's any possibility of relaxing at the end of the day with a candle that emits an odor of melted steel, jet fuel, and bodies burning, please let me know. Perhaps I'm missing something.
• The Two Dollar Commemorative 9/11 bill. (real legal tender) - Remember these guys? The $2 bill? I must admit, I have a number of these things stashed away from when the U.S. Treasury Department quit printing them years ago. Now, I can't admit to having any of these 9/11 bills in my safe box. When they quit making the real ones that circulated and featured the signing of the Declaration of Independence on the back side, this paper money was quickly forgotten until now. The surviving two dollar proofs from way back when were kept locked away for the future. Now, someone recently thought it would be a good idea to make a few changes on the proofs and reprint the real money that feature the WTC on 9/11. Believe it or not, our government gave these bills their seal of approval and they are considered legal tender. In other words, as is the case with all the other coins and money no longer made, if times get really that bad, you can buy gas to fill up your car or bet on the horses at the track...whatever?! What can I say? When was the last time you tried to get rid of a Susan B. Anthony dollar or the Sachagowea(?) gold dollar from a few years ago? The Post Office still loves to accept these things but not me. Getting change from a twenty dollar bill back that includes any of these old treasures is nothing more than a curse because I can never find a dummy to dump them on after me!
• The Silver 9/11 Twenty Dollar bill - Timing is everything as this collectable recognizes the 7th Anniversary of 9/11 happening this Thursday. This is not legal tender however, it is a good conversation piece the ad suggests. How much would you pay for a $20 bill ,ade of silver with imprints of images from 9/11? If you call now and take advantage of this offer it will be only $20 however, if you dilly dally around and wait until next week, the price goes back up to $39.95 so act now. Every one made comes with a certificate of authenticity and a number for collectors. Of course, don't try to spend this at the grocery store...if you get past the hard part of sqeezing it into your wallet in your back pocket, you'll be sure to get laughed out of the store at the checkout lane.
• Historic Buildings Destroyed! (gold plated, scale model replicas) You're absolutely right to think this is crazy. This was an idea based on the success of some of those advertisements you see in the Sunday newspaper for NFL collectable ornaments, train sets, etc... The whole idea is that you purchase one of these model buildings at half price, and from then on for the next year, they'll send you a different building to add to your collection each month. All the buildings in the set are modeled after architectre destroyed by natural events or people. For example, besides the WTC, you'll get to enjoy The Pentagon, Oklahoma City Bombing among others. Don't try and become a member of this club because it was shut down years ago, and besides, anyone displaying these things in their home is just crying out that they need some help!
  
  
  
  

"The joke is on WHO?" and "Oh deer, it's The Nuge"

"What's the deal with Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld, and Microsoft? Didn't Bill retire? Didn't Jerry retire? What are they doing together in a commercial for Microsoft when it isn't even funny? Is it supposed to be? WHAT'S THE DEAL?!!? By now you've all probably seen the new ad for Microsoft featuring these two knuckleheads...I've seen it three times and at the end of 60 seconds, all I can say is, "What was that?" I knew that Seinfeld just signed a very lucrative deal with the computer giant, but I don't know what I was expecting to see. At least his credit card commercial from last year's Super Bowl had a little zing to it, but this? What's the pitch? Why are these two in cahoots, and what are they selling me? Believe it or not, I had to take all my inquiries to Google to find an answer. Now for those of you who want the answer, it is an ad for all of Microsoft however, the emphesis is on Windows Vista here. Vista is advertised as the next big thing in computing since it debuted late last year. If you're like me and still have Windows XP, you are now left in the dark if you need help with the software as it is getting phased out. If you recall, right before 2000 Microsoft was introducing us to XP and stressed how necessary it is to get it. For nearly six months before New Year's, my outdoor mailbox was getting bombarded on a weekly basis with software updates for XP on CD. After that, it was one glitch after another and Microsoft promised it would get better and easier so, far the last eight years they've given us three "service packs" to fix all the bugs. In many cases, these fixes screwed up your pc even more. After all that trouble, Microsoft basically says that XP was junk and we need to go with Vista. Well, it looks like now we don't have a choice anymore. Is this where the joke is in the commercials? To put it another way, Bill Gates isn't funny at all and Jerry Seinfeld as "serious"? Give me a break! As the business sections of newspapers nationwide stated this week, if Seinfeld's commercial was any indication of how funny a sitcom would be, he would have never had one in the first place. I agree!

Here's another unlikely duo... and you're right, it is unlikely to ever happen: Ted Nugent supporting Sarah Palin. Rock legend Ted Nugent has a large catalog of hits going back 40 years or so. Lately, Ted has turned a former lifestyle of partying into activism for both nature and politics alike. Nugent occasionally stops in to the studios at CNN to throw in his two cents on what's going on in the world and how he would kick it into gear if he had any position to do so. He's an outdoorsman who lives off the land and a lifelong member of the N.R.A. and has lobbied for years to make owning firearms legal, for hunting of course. Nugent eats anything out of the wilderness that has a circulatory system and a heartbeat. So does Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. You would imagine these two sitting down over a dinner of buffalo burgers, venison chili, and a cold glass of grizzly bear blood. "Not so", according to Nugent, who flew off the handle the other night when asked if Mcain and Palin should expect his vote in November. All Ted could do was grab and shake his head in disgust. "We're not the same" he said, and then went on to explain the difference between the two adding that Palin often comparing a hunter to a politician is dead wrong. "When you hunt for everything you eat, you're sense of smell is important. After a while you can sniff out the good blood and the bad blood. In Washington you can't smell a thing." He's right. Maybe she's one of these "Mavericks" who never kill the animal but happily pose for a picture standing next to the carcass "as if to tell us..." According to Nugent, all of America needs a refresher course in The Constitution as well as a trip back some 200 years ago when life was simpler and all about "every man for himself". Which is why he said if you happen to step over all of his "no tresspassing signs around the perimeter of his property, he won't think twice about blowing the intruder's ass off. Now that's nice!

"Setting Oprah Free"

Chicago may love the idea of having the "Queen of all Media" as a permanent houseguest but I for one, am ready to rent a U-Haul and send her packing ANYWHERE ELSE but here! She's long overstayed her welcome in The Windy City and is probably one of the few reasons that AT&T invented "caller ID" -You can see if it's her before you pick up the phone to talk.

When Oprah arrived here in Chicago over two decades ago, she inherited a low rated, local, morning talk show on it's last legs and was taped daily at 190 N. Michigan Ave. Over the course of a few years, Ms. Winfrey managed to swing the format around to target busy housewives and before long, this show was rolling out in syndication across the U.S.A. good for her! Problem is, somewhere in between her rise to stardom, Chicago grew too fond of her. The talk show wasn't enough. It started with her own production studio and like a deadly virus, has spread out to what the "Oprah Empire" is today: Radio, TV, books, movies, Dr. Phil, and so on and so on. It's good to be a success as long as it doesn't get shoved in my face everyday. This year has pushed Oprah's name a bit too far over the edge and quite frankly, enough is enough! One can't make it through a whole day without hearing about this woman, what she's done, who she's met, and what she has to say. I'm almost certain it's much easier to break into The White House than it is to get through the front door of Harpo Studios. Having said that folks, Monday is the big day for Oprah as her show makes it's "season premiere"...

Don't expect any big changes to the show with the exception of Oprah herself. She returns do do it all over again and get herself drunk with even more power than years past. Oprah will get to schmooze all her guests and act as if she really gives a darn that they're making a name for themselves. Behind the scenes, her staff does all the research and "poking around" for her and writes all these tidbits on index cards in shorthand. In reality, all that Oprah is worried about is booking a guest to bust their balls and put the spotlight back on her. Afterall, for the past month in Chicago, Oprah is the news... she manages to finagle her way into almost every local newscast as if her opinion really matters. On Monday, Oprah welcomes some winners of the Olympic gold and finishes the hour chatting it up with swimmer Michael Phelps. She'll laugh with him and may even cry with him as he tells of his long journey to Beijing.. Oprah may even put on one of those new Speedo wetsuits and have Phelps push her into the shallow end of a swimming pool for a race of a lap or two. As it is in real life, Oprah is afraid of the water so don't believe what you may see. We'll also be seeing more of "Oprah the Politician" this year too as she plays more video clips of her and good friend Borack Obama taking a stroll through Grant Park and enjoying the moment. If Obama should win in November, keep in mind that he couldn't have gotten there without Oprah's help. She was as big a help to his campaign as the indicted Tony Rezko was! Again we'll see Oprah laugh with Obama and weep like a child. God help us all if this becomes a stepping stone for Oprah to venture into politics!

I think I speak for many who agree that Oprah should pack up all her crap including all her books, movies, Pontiac G6's, and the whole kit and kaboodle and plant herself in a new place where she can shock and awe a community of people who never get to see a big star like her...say, Idaho?!!

"Two for Tuesday" as two stars drop dead!

The Grim Reaper was working overtime today as he made a surprise visit to the homes of two of Hollywood's finest. This post is dedicated to them and their legacy that they left behind. Don't recognize them? You're not alone. Here's the "Cliff Notes" on both men:

• Jerry Reed- Died today at 71 years of age. Reed was a "good ol' boy" from the sticks when he picked up his guitar and headed to the big town called Nashville. His career was slow to take off the ground and soon enough he fell victim to the familiar lure of other entertainers by drowning his sorrows in drugs and alcohol. He was eventually discovered and given a record contract however, with all his ups and downs in his personal life, Reed's career was forced to be put on hold several times while he "dried out" from years of self medication. By the mid to late 1960's, Reed had attempted another comeback. Instead of trying to copy the style of many of his influences, Jerry's new approach to the music business would be "novelty songs". A "novelty song" is written as a form of expressing comedy without the hassle of doing stand-up. You see, initially Reed was stagefright. A few hits managed to hit the airwaves. One was titled, "when you're hot, you're hot" and the other was "My baby got the goldmine and I got the shaft". Not too long afterwards, a new opportunity came up for Reed in the form of a television variety show called, Hee Haw where he would appear frequently as a guest and strum along with Roy Clark and Buck Owens. Reed had a gawky look and often appeared haggard however, his appearances were a hit. Not long after this, the damn Hee Haw Donkey convinced Reed to add acting to his resume. Most of his film appearances were left on the cutting room floor but, he did manage to land a few supporting roles. In 1976 he was cast as "The Snowman" alongside Burt Reynolds for a film called Smokey and The Bandit. Sally field and the late, great, Jackie Gleason were also on board for the project that became a hit. In it, Reed portrayed a trucker assisting the Reynolds character "Smokey" in bootlegging a truckload of Coors Beer for a father/son bet with time constraints. Due to the movies success, a sequel was made two years later. This time the gang had to transport an elephant cross country. Then came part III. Perhaps one of the worst movies ever made, Reynolds refused to reprise his role and script was quickly re-written to accomodate Reed in the title role as "Smokey". This could also be where the phrase "jump the shark" was first coined as the premise of the movie was for Reed to transport a fiberglass shark on the roof of his Trans Am across the country. The movie studio was so ashamed of the final cut, that one week after opening up on theaters, all movie promotions and posters were brought rounded up and destroyed. If you're lucky enough to find one of these posters at a flea market, you might want to buy it. It's worth exceeds nearly $80,000, which is nearly three times more than the movie grossed! Someone showed Jerry Reed the wrong way to get to Hollywood. It isn't a good idea to fo through Nashville, and more importantly, don't ever put your future in the hands of a jackass who in this case, turned out to be a donkey from Hee Haw. They don't make for being a good agent.
• Don LaFontaine- Hollywood's "King of Voiceovers" died at 68. You wouldn't have recognized him on the street however, you heard his voice everyday in commercials on tv and the radio advertising all the latest Hollywood flicks. His deep voice will always be remembered by millions everywhere thanks, in part, to a lifelong commitment to "Lucky Strikes" cigarettes and black coffee. He got into the business by a fluke in the late 1960's while working at a recording studio and substituting for a voiceover talent who never showed up for work. The end result? A permanent position as one of the most recognizeable voices in the movie business. His quick synopsis of a movie preview clocked in at sixty seconds however, he could turn a box office flop into a moneymaker. (Where was he when Jerry Reed needed him?). Too shy and nervous to appear on screen in any capacity, Don broke his own rule when approached by insurance company, Geico in 2006 to appear in a series of commercials in person. These would be Don's only appearence on celluloid and commercials are still airing today. In an early 2007 interview, the Geico lizard spoke about working with Don and how it is much more difficult to change a person's voice than it is to change colors saying, "I had to go through a difficult time in my career because when I broke into this business I originally had a different voice. Being coompared too much to Kelsey Grammer, the Geico folks told me to speak like "Crocodile Dundee" and move ahead as if nobody would ever notice!". Don's wonderful time in Hollywood will more than likely earn him a star one day on Hollywood Boulevard. In the meantime though, rest assured, his voice will live on forever. Don's funeral will be on Friday night at 6:45, 7:15, 8:10, 10:30, and midnight.