"You won't read this in the paper or see it on TV{

For those who don't know, WWE superstar Chris Benoit pulled a cowardly act by killing his family and then himself. While medical examiners put all the odds and ends together, we can only speculate. In the photo above we see a group photo of many incarnations through the years of WCW's "Four Horsemen". From left to right is Ric Flair, Benoit, Dean Malenko and Arn Anderson. All of which currently work for the WWE. Your thoughts and opinions on Professional Wrestling need no mention. Yes, it's scripted and fake however, the emotional and psychological after effects are very real. The WWE requires everyone be on a tight schedule. On the road for 340 days out of the year and being away from family during Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas can make you crazy. As CEO of WWE Entertaiment, This ought to be a wake up call to Vince McMahon. These guys take hits and break bones and there's always someone to help. What they don't do is offer one on one therapy for personal/emotional problems and that's a shame. Since Benoit joined the WWE, he's gone from a main eventer to a mid-card draw. When it comes to feeling "sorry" for Benoit, I sit on the fence post. His personal problems could have, and should have been dealt with. It was reported that Benoit overdosed on steroids and that was the reason behind his odd behavior. If taking a wife and kid with you in the midst of your sorrows is the only way out, I'll miss Benoit in the ring BUT, as a person I can't give him any respect. Another good story with another bad ending.

Godspeed Chris Benoit

"Tank gets tanked and so does G.W. Bush?" Hmmm

You've got to hand it to Tank Johnson...either abide by the rules of the NFL or put the "For Sale" sign on the front lawn of your home. A few weeks ago, Tank said he spoke to Jesus and everything would be better as long as he followed the good path. I think tank's car veered off course in Arizona when he found his DUI waiting for him. Jesus has a lot of work to do and methinks Tank is somewhere towards the bottom of the list. No need for sweet talking or B.S...Tank was released by The Bears today. They did offer the guy help to get his act together, but he declined. Expect to see Johnson playing ball in either Canada or NFL Europe. He's now a big risk as shall he should be.

*From the Internet rumor file comes the story that our beloved President Bush is so fed up with the lack of support from everyone, that he's gone back to drinking and sleeping with prostitutes. He mispronounces names, gets confused, and sometimes makes no sense. A two dollar hooker in Vegas was supposed to tell her story about an incident which happened shortly after Christmas, Set to air sometime this week on Inside Edition.

"Some Tums to handle THIS spice and If it ain't broke, call Leonardo DeCaprio to make it broke!"

After more than a decade sworn to silence and being married to the world's most famous soccer player, Victoria Becham announced that "All bad things will soon pass" as a "Spice Girls" reunion is in it's planning stages. Now the clouds will part, the blue sky will prevail and the sunshine will rain it's rays down on us all. I can't help but think of all the good music that came out of this Britania supergroup of Karaoke singers. In 2007, thank God we have "The Pussycat Dolls" to fill the hole left behind by all the fighting and feuding left behind by the bitter "Spice Girls" breakup. "The Pussycat Dolls" follow the lead of Menudo who had a revolving door policy with singers hence, the CW (WB) reality show to find the ladies a new partner in crime. Now, I'm a major fan of both groups. I especially love their songs, uhhhh. Ummm. Let me think...it's on the tip of my tongue...sorry, I can't think of any. Maybe that's the reason why Victoria Becham finds it so important to reunite with the old gang. Her shopping habits have kicked her husband in the balls...and I'm not talking soccer either. There's a lot of bands that have had a bad record that resulted in a loss of a major record label. Meanwhile, crappy so-called groups such as these are welcomed into the studio with open arms. That's OK. A new record by the group will sink quicker than the Titanic. For example, although there's no new record to support the tour, "The Police" aren't exactly getting thumbs up for their live shows. A reunion anticipated since the mid 1980's has turned into a loss. Now let's kill the power on these "Spice Girls" and see if they can carry a tune...or just do their best work between the sheets.

Next up: "Citizen Kane". The classic film just won the title of "Best Movie Ever Made"...indeed it deserves that recognition. What would you think if Leonardo DeCario was being considered to either do a remake or a prequal to the movie IN COLOR?! "Kane" earns it's stripes for being in black and white. They were smart to have taken the criticism to heart and scrap such a project. Maybe "Rosebud" would have become "Budweiser". So, Mr. Welles before his death, did a number of voicework for projects that never made it. Last of which was in 1988 in a small recording studio where he lent his voice to a portion of the upcoming "Transformers" movie, For nearly twenty years this script has been through so many places that it probably already earned a few thousand bucks in frequent flier miles. If you miss the line "We will sell no wine before it's time", you won't hear it in the movie, but at least you can hear the final recordings of one Mr. Orson Welles.

"Which of the Clinton's gets whacked?"

Hillary and Bill Clinton really love show business. Bill likes to sing karaoke and his saxaphone on television however, stopped short of appearing as guest host on "Saturday Night Live" a few years ago. Hillary on the other hand, enjoys stand-up comedy and would be a good fit on Comedy Central for her enjoyment of picking on George Bush, John McCain, Borack Obama, Rudy Guilliaanni, and Michael Bloomberg. While Obama has a female fan that made a music video for him, the Clinton's went to HBO for permission to spoof the final episode of "The Sopranos". A hungry Bill Clinton makes his way to the dinner table questioning what's on his plate. "Where's the onions?" He asks. "You don't need them" says Hillary, and off he goes crunching into a carrot stick. Depending on how you drew your own conclusions from that HBO show's finale, you would come to the conclusion that either Tony Soprano walked away from a bad situation, or that he got gunned down and killed. Internet chat rooms suggest the majority of folks think Tony Soprano is dead...an ending that may not be what Hillary and Bill were planning on. Be careful using mobsters in a political ad...that could very well mean a few months in the White House will result in Hillary geting whacked. Not by the ficticious Tony Soprano but, by all the other enemies she's making with Republicans AND Democrats. Even Michael Moore who releases "Sicko" next week and is as far to the left as a Democrat can get is not at a loss for words when discussing Hillary. Ba Da Bing, indeed!

"Larry's coup to chew the fat", and "A big Shaq attack!"

Larry King: "Jupiter, Florida...Hello. You're on the air. How about it...You have a question for the just released Paris Hilton?"

Caller: "No Larry, my question is for you."

LK: "OK, go ahead"

Caller: " Are you still married to that former host of USA's "Up All Night" Rhonda Shear or did you give her the pink slip like your eight other wives got?"

LK: "Nope.. She hit 30 and was getting those crows feet around the eyes. I couldn't lay down in bed with that at night anymore. All she had going for her were the breast implants. Hee. Hee. Hee."

Caller: "Now that Paris is out of jail, she's vulnerable and looking for a man. You ought to get some of that."

LK: "Paris! How about it? We can go to Vegas after the show abd get married and honeymoon back here in The Poconos. We can start working on making some children right away."

Paris: "That sounds HOT Larry."

LK: "Hee, Hee, Hee."

It might happen like this on Tuesday night when Larry King scores a hole in one by snagging Paris for an interview first thing out of the slammer. Larry was doing cartwheels down the hallways of CNN over this however, little does he know that he was the only one that was ever interested in talking to her in the first place.

Here's a real headscratcher. Because Shaquille O'Neil has such a good relationship with Disney and the Miami Heat's season ended by the Chicago Bulls, what better way to fill an hour of television than using Shaq as the star of his own reality show? The timing is perfect. All that's been in the news lately are all the overweight kids in America addicted to Playstation, McDonald's, and greasy potato chips. Now, the first person I think of when it comes to being fit is Sqaq. He's big, overweight, and slow...not to mention not that good at free throws. He's the one that's going to light a fire under kids asses and get them moving? Let's face it, Shaq needs someone to motivate HIM! I consider this one show of many that will be a train wreck. Call it quits, sit in front of the TV with the Fritos, and turn on the NBA 2K7 on Playstation!

"A few odds and ends from this past week"

• THE WEATHER CHANNEL COMES TO CD? That's right. People have been ecstatic over the music played in the backround during the local forecast. Now TWC is going to slap these songs on disc and sell it to you for $16.00. Oh, there's nothing more soothing than the sound of Kenny G. I've got a better idea...how about scrapping that silly idea and concentrate on an accurate forecast?


• THE PARTY'S OVER...MAYBE. Tuesday is supposed to be the big day that Paris Hilton gets out of jail. All this while pal Nicole Richie's fate hangs in the balance as she awaits word of a possible jail sentence of her own. This whole thing has spun out of control. I say they both get locked up together FOR LIFE!
• AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD? It's time to put a new spin on a classic Dean Martin tune. One or two people happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time the other day at a Six Flags amusement park in Kentucky when a clear blue sky began to rain feet. The "superman" thrill ride delivered on it's promise to make the ride a memorable experience. A 13 year old girl had her feet severed by a cable on the ride that drops some 50 mph in a freefall. The kid was a good sport about the whole thing. After the state of shock went away, she picked up both of her feet and got back in line to try it again!
• BILL AND HILLARY SOPRANO? Satire, or a sneak peek at the future? In an effort to reach out to the 18 to 25 year old "first time" voter, Hillary had her people write a political ad that lampoons "The Sopranos". Husband Bill even joined in kind of looking as if he was out of his element. I'm sure that somewhere, someplace, there's a wax museum with Bill Clinton on display. It probably has more of a pulse than what's in the commercial. Already the ad is taking heat...a LOT of heat. Some people don't see the humor in the spot, and many more folks are scared as hell. Should Hillary become President next year, we have to worry about Tony Soprano and "Big Pussy" knocking on our door if you're late with filing your taxes. Meanwhile, we need not worry about Bill or Hillary heading to Hollywood. You can check out these wannabe thespians in the popular commercial on youtube.com.

"Three cheers for these Queers, and other tall tales"

• Here we go...first things first on this Friday afternoon,,,Paris Hilton is holding her own in jail. This poor kid. Everyday the folks at the jailhouse make Paris strip nude. They pick her up like a bowking ball and examine everything with an opening. Paris hasn't even yet put in two weeks and has been a pain in the ass, The word today is, Paris isn't to crazy about the oatmeal and peanut butter and jelly. Her Attorney says this is a bunch of crapola and Paris is ready to blow away with the next strong wind.
• Tank Johnson of the Chicago Bears...Oh yeah, the heat was on him earlier this year when his bodyguard got shot in a nightclub and police found guns at his home. When his brief prison visit came to a close, a 6 to 8 game suspension in the upcoming season would be in the cards. About a month ago, Johnson went on television and claimed his life was now devoted to Jesus. That may be so...Jesus turned water into wine however, Seagram's gin wasn't around 2000 years ago. He was told not to screw up anymore but, swerving all over the road and going 20 miles over the limit...well, it ain't looking good. The most puzzling thing about this is the police stating it will be two to three weeks before the blood test results are in. That's plenty of time to play around with the sample. Johnson isn't carrying the team. Matter of fact, I say to Lovie, quit being so "lovie dovie" and cut the guy loose. A big distraction to say the least.
• Be gay, be proud and say it loud! Sunday in Chicago is the annual "Gay Pride Parade". I mention this only because the media has welcomed this event with open arms. This may as well be the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. WGN is covering this event. Consider this to be a big cesspool of sexually transmitted diseases. I'd turn the thing on in a heartbeat if I were guaranteed some "lipstick lesbians"...No such luck. All I'll get is Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneris. My advice to all gays is, if you're male, never mind a Trojan,,,use a sock. Women...Oh, I can't say it.
  

"Abraham Lincoln was a bold face liar!"

I'm sad to have to report the following bad news. You may know the definition of "dirty politics"...a staple in the Chicago are but, I'll bet you didn't know that as residents of Illinoi we've been hoodwinked since the 1800's! Here's where things get tricky. In 2007 we have Barack Obama running for President. If by some miracle he makes it into the White House, he probably figures he automatically has bragging rights to claim a victory for African Americans. I'll give the guy a couple of props. He dresses nice and talks a lot of crap...perfect formula for setting up residence on 600 Pennyslvania Ave. Now, we've got a number of politicians that stick their foot in their mouth and later have to go on television to apologize. Obama is one of them, and Arizona's John Mcain is another one. Obama goes into this race clueless. The closest he's going to get to the "Oval Office" is dumping out George Bush's spitoon. In any event, people are embracing Obama as Illinois' very own or, as he likes to call himself, "The first colored President". I say, Barack, not so fast. You were the result of a mixed marriage and depending on what day of the week it is, do we call you black or white? This much I know...Abe Lincoln beat you to the punch, Matter of fact, one might be inclined to say that "Honest Abe" was the first black man in office! While researching the history behind Lincoln's roots for his Presidential library in Springfield, historians found that according to DNA tests, Lincoln's Mother had a long affair with a black slave. It is believed that Abe is the result of a forbidden sexual relationship. If this proves to be true, this could very well re-write History books. Having said this, think long and hard about who you vote for in 2008.

"What a STEAL!"

The Squealing Pig store is now open for business!

Kids, take your Mommy or Daddy's credit card and get this cool shirt. The Squealing Pig logo is proudly displayed on this 100% cotton Hanes T-shirt. For $3.00, how can you go wrong? Besides, Christmas is a little over six months away...get your shopping done early. Be the coolest cat on the block and order the shirt. Oink Oink!

Please send your payment of $3.00 plus $16.95 for shipping and handling to: "shirt, P.O. Box 74, Chicago, IL, 60611" We accept Visa, Mastercard, Diner's Club, AMEX, or check or money order. No C.O.D.'s. Your shipment will arrive in approximately 18 to 24 weeks. For speedy FedEx delivery, add another $30.00 for shipping and handling. Order 10 at once and get one free. Shirts are available in small,medium, large, extra large, and XXL

"The 2007 Squealing Pig Worldwide giveaway"

Here we go kids...to kick off the Summer of 2007, have we got a deal for you! How would you like to hold the keys to a brand new 2007 Ford Mustang Pony Edition? All the bells and whistles and more. This vehicle has an MSRP of $21,000 from Highland, Indiana. Keep in mind that there's no guarantee on what colors are available. All you have to do to enter is send your name and e-mail address to: squealingpigworldwide@budweiser.net We'll put your name in one of those big drums and give it a couple of whirls. You have until July 3rd to enter and the winner of the keys to the new Mustang will be picked on July 4th. Good luck to all!

Terms and conditions. You must be 18 years of age with a valid drivers license. No purchase of anything necessary. Winner of this prize will be given keys to a brand new Ford Mustang. The car however, is not included as part of the drawing. Winner will recieve the keys to a 2007 Mustang however, it is up to the winner to search parking lots of supermarkets and shopping malls. Because of the complexity, the winner is advised to seek legal counsel before proceeding ahead in finding the vehicle. The Squealing Pig Worldwide assumes no liability in the outcome of events as they unravel. Winner must be present at the time of the drawing. You will also be waiving your rights for media appearances and publicity photos. This contest is protected under copyright 2007 to The Squealing Pig Worldwide.

"MLB, UFC, or WWE?" Maybe all three.

Another Squealing Pig Worldwide Investigation. As we readily approach the end of June, it's time to take a look at America's "favorite pastime". Those who know me know that The White Sox and St. Louis Cardinals have always been my favorites. I had dreamed of a World Series between The Sox and The Cards however, this time around it's "not in the cards". Having said that, I'll pick on The Chicago Cubs. After Dusty Baker got pushed out the Chicago Tribune's revolving door, Cubs management picked up the horn and called Lou Paniella to come to the rescue. Remember his press conference after Christmas where while wearing a Cubs jersey and ball cap promised Chicagoland that the Cubs will make it to the World Series? He said if he couldn't do the job that he'd retire. I hope he's got a big nest egg in the bank because it won't happen this year either.

The Fight Club on Waveland Avenue. OK. These guys are all fired up and ready to swing that wood. Do they do it? Nope. All this angst and energy has been used to physically fight one another in the clubhouse or on the field. Now, a lot of people are putting the blame on Lou just because he likes to swear at umpires like a sailor or kick sand over the shoes of any official that crosses his path. Truth is, there's actually a website that's devoted to getting Lou fired that I stumbled upon today. If these guys want to fight and beat the hell out of one another, let them go nuts. Matter of fact, rather than beat the crap out of someone in the dugout or on the field, let these guys moonlight on Ultimate Fighting or change that silly commercial McDonald's has with The Cubs and Sox pulling pranks on each other. The whole thing ought to done solely with Cubs players

Finally, I hate to admit it BUT...Although there won't be a Cubs World Series this year, they're inching closer. Maybe Ozzie Guillen ought to encourage The Sox to beat the snot out of everyone. It might help their second to last place standings. Yeah, there may be a lot of Three Stooges antics of hitting and slapping, The Cubs are still better than the Cards or Sox...as of this moment.

"Bob Barker's finale, stuck with an American flag, and no escaping THIS sleeperhold!"

• OK, here's my two cents worth about the retirement of "Price is Right" host Bob Barker, I said before that Bob had class. Unfortunately for him, that all got flushed down the crapper. For whatever reason, Friday's airing of his final show ended like a wet firecracker. No standing ovations, no weeping like a baby with a wet diaper, not even a sheet cake from Entemann's. He signed off as if he'll be back on Monday. Although Bob Barker has his name on the studio doors and had every chance to address the audience, Bob was speechless and carried on like it was just another day. When all was said and done, Barker wasted no time talking to all the newsmagazine shows and cast his vote for a replacement...Rosie O'Donnell. Is Barker forgetting to take his medication or is he taking too much? Bob has been a close friend of Rosie over the years and told Entertainment Tonight that her situation with "The View" was a "tragedy. A really, really bad thing to happen to such a nice woman." If this is the way it's going to be, I'm not watching anymore. Rosie can come back on television as long as it's on one of those gay and lesbian cable channels. If I had to choose an annoying person with a big mouth, I'd pick Roseanne Barr. Luckily, the word is that CBS isn't ready to award a woman a hosting role on a game show. Hip Hip Hooray! BREAKING NEWS SUNDAY 1:28 am. It seems as though Bob's retirement may be quicker than a heart attack. Just like every old man who worked his whole life, Bob's been home for no more than a week and he's already tired of playing shuffleboard. He already told CBS brass that if they can't find a replacement or the person they choose turns out to be a dud, he'd be happy as a clam to come back to the show. Does he already miss the show? I think he misses the opportunity to feel up the breasts of the models on the show.
• Before you know it, 4th of July will be knocking on our doors, and that's where the stars and stripes come in. I've got a flag that has been exposed to all the elements and now looks like it was taken from Ground Zero on 9/11. What to do with this ripped and faded flag? Surely I can't put that out on display for the 4th. I was just going to take the thing and wrap it in newspaper before throwing it in the garbage. I was told I can't do such a thing...you see, there are rules that explain to dummies like me how you need to treat the flag with respect. Yeah, I know the correct ways to display the flag on a building or pole. Here's what beats the hell out of me: They say that a flag must be disgarded by giving it to a VFW Hall where they'll have a half an hour ceremony with veterans who will light all the flags in a garbage can on fire. They also say that if the flag falls on the ground, you're supposed to have it destroyed. Let me tell you something...I got my flag for $6.00 at Home Depot and the tag says it was made in China. I guess Americans can't stitch together stars and stripes. While working in a Chinese sweatshop for twenty five cents a day, how many flags do you suppose fall on the floor? They don't send all the "rejects" back to America so the VFW can burn them. Heck, they probably put a stick on a bad flag and use it to mop the floor. The new flags have an extra star that can be sewn on later. This represents Mexico, our 51st state.
• Finally, sad news from the Sports Entertainment world...Former WWE and WCW valet/manager/wrestler Sherri Martel died. Best known for her close ties with Randy "Macho Man" Savage and The Ultimate Warrior, she used the personnas "Sherri Martel", "Sensational Sherri", and "Medusa". She had been off television since WCW went out of business several years ago.

"The Paris Watch II"

Now that she's back in the cooler, what's next for this ditzy broad? Paris was counting on using oral sex however, the prison guard is a woman. Weighing the pros and cons, Paris is STILL prepared to give oral sex. I don't know if this will help or hurt her cause. Ask prison guard Marge who's in charge.
Anyway, after consideration, Miss Hilton has decided that kicking and screaming about jail is pretty much a lost cause. Time to swallow that bitter pill. 45 days will go by quicker than a $2 whore on a Saturday night. Here's the scoop from Paris herself about jailtime thus far..."I decided that I'm done fighting. There will be no more appeals from me. I made a mistake and must serve my time. I've learned a lot while I've been here and expect to learn more. I'm going to walk away from this experience fresh and clean" Oh, by the way, violated by six women at the same time. Here's to ya Paris.

"A DUI for Shrek?"

Paris Hilton. OK. The cops out in California don't know if she belongs in prison or at home with an ankle bracelet. She's been in and out, and in and out of jail a few times since last Monday. Now she's back in prison and the lesbians are lining up to yank the clothes off Paris. The poor kid...she can't handle a few peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches? What the hell is up with that? A DUI means you f***ed up and now it's time to face the music.

***Now, as a sidenote, it was brought to my attention that Shrek was created by some people while getting drunk. Put this guy in a cell with Paris and she'll give him a night to remember! ...I'm not just talking smack kids.

"An unlucky number, Looking for a quick buck,The end of Bob, AND from Costanza to Spooner."

A lot of ballyhoo this week surrounded a movie...Mmkay, it was mainly centered around the cast who had a few members visit Chicago during the Chicago premiere. George Clooney and Brad Pitt pulled into town for a meet and greet session with fans of their "Ocean's" movies. How much is a handshake and autograph worth from these two characters? $2000 clams. Don't worry. All the money made from this event is going overseas where Angelina Jolie is waiting anxiously to count the loot. Word is, "Ocean's 13" which opened today can probably use more of these impromptu visits if these guys wish to break even. This only further proves my point that "13" is bad luck. The big mystery here is why they made three films (and who knows how many more?) The original "Ocean's 11" from the 1960's wasn't one of "The Rat Pack's" greatest moments. Truth is, that movie was released under protest by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Even though they failed to put the brakes on the horrible film, at least they knew when to quit while they were ahead.

***Here's another one...Bruce Willis' 4th entry in the "Die Hard" franchise. Were there people actually begging for another movie OR, was it that Bruce Willis needed the work or the money? We know that no matter where the story takes place, it's always going to end the same way. Bruce may as well patch things up with Cybil Shepard and do a "moonlighting" reunion.

***Set your BetaMax for June 15th if you want to say, "Adios" to the legendary Bob Barker on his final show. Bob sheds a few tears but gets the train back on track for what was a typical finish with not a lot of hoopla. Word is, Bob and others behind the scene had given everyone in attendance a new car provided they wouldn;t discuss it until after next Friday. Bob has worked quite a few game shows over the years however, none would last as long as his run on "Price is Right". Well, he had a good ride and was always a guilty pleasure of mine. A class act, and someone who will be missed. Now that he's done it all, God needn't feel guilty about taking Bob home.

***Finally, we loved him as Frank Costanza on "Seinfeld" and loved him again as Arthur Spooner on "The King of Queens". I'm talking about Mr. Jerry Stiller who yes, is the father of Ben. The guy is so damn funny and celebrates his 80th Birthday. Regards to you Mr. Stiller and here's hoping you have a couple dozen more.

"The Paris Watch"

"Three whole days and I'm having a nervous breakdown!"

That's what did it, and then...she was shown the door and free to go home.

Now, this time of year has generally been slow in the entertainment news department. I was a little angry...OK, PISSED that things turned out the way they did. This would have been good fodder for a month. That's OK though. At least I know that I can use Miss Hilton as a landmark case when I go out and get a DUI this weekend. The Justice system is supposed to be fair so, I'm going to press it to the limit. I'm not going to slam anyone in law enforcement for this "comedy of errors" considering she will be under house arrest for the remainder of her 45 days. Let's be honest: Paris who weighs in at just over 100lbs can easily slip out of that ankle bracelet, go clubbing all night, and be back home with the thing around her leg before anyone even notices. I say, shut up, quit crying, and do your time. If you don't Paris, I'll make things a living hell for you and the "rent-a-cops" out in Beverly Hills. Paris needs to do something worthwhile before being let back into Society. Take a look at Tim Allen for example...He got his ass in a sling in Michigan recently. Part of his punishment resulted in Allen doing voiceovers for the "Travel Michigan" ads now airing on television. Do the right thing folks...send this "Dizzy Hollywood Ho" back to jail, and put three lesbians in the cell with her. That's worth the ticket price by itself!